Love/Hate

I know I shouldn't. But I really need to.... I feel deserted.

I feel like no one in my life is honest with me... and it hurts a lot.

I try to live my life as honestly as I can, and call me out if I'm not.

I'm sick of all the drama that comes along with technology.

It's stupid and... it just doesn't need to happen.

I believe people are always, always changing.

It doesn't matter how well you know anyone; God brings us through different stages in our life and we change; it's inevitable. It's not a bad thing.

I'm starting to believe all I can trust is myself, myself and God.

I love Greenville... but there's this constant spiritual high that goes on. It makes me slack off in my personal relationship with God... it makes me think that it's okay. It's not. If I don't spend personal time with my Savior, it makes me less authentic.

I miss home. A lot- especially during this season, and ever since I started college, I miss apple-picking with my mom. I would really love to go to the Big-E- the last time I went was with one of my best friends at the time, my senior year of highschool- I said I was going to keep in touch with her... I haven't done a very good job. I would love to go to pumpkintown with a group of friends and be as silly as possible. I miss cornmazes on youth group events.

Right now college is a love/hate relationship.

A Love Letter

I needed a reminder.

Chelsea,

I want more for us.

I want you to want me.

I want you to spend time with me.

I love you Chelsea, and you are good.

Look around you, those mountains, I created those, that amazing blue sky, I chose that color, just like I chose the color of your hair, and the color of your eyes. I chose you. And believe Me, I would choose you again, I will choose you over all those things you find beautiful.

Let me protect you, let me be your defender, let me be your comfort, let me be your desire. I want to be everything for you. I will be everything for you.

Chelsea, I love you more than you will ever understand. I have so much planned for you.

Just come to me, find shelter and strength in Me.

Seek me and you will find Me.

Your King- Abba.

Back to Greenville

So... I've been back at Greenville for over two weeks now.

It's been intense and wonderful all at the same time.

I knew instantly when I got here that... this was right. This is home right now.

I miss my parents, a lot. But, I can now recognize that and it's okay.

I declared my major today. I'm so excited about it. I'm excited about whatever God has in store for my future, good and bad, because I know He's going to be right by my side the entire time! I can take so much peace in that. So much happiness as well.

God is so good.

But, I'm just so pleased with my major, just the thought of it, the classes I'm taking... I'm so excited about them!

My roommate is pretty great. I don't know her very well yet, but she's amazing. She's in one of the Vesper bands, and she's also the RA of the floor. But, you can just see her heart for God, and I just think she's a beautiful person. She also likes ducks.... so... I just really feel like everything worked out so smoothly on transferring back. All my credits from Nyack transferred, which was much more than I expected!

What else.... well, this is a new thought, I really want to graduate on time... but I think it's going to be pretty tight, and I'd rather enjoy the ride than be stressed about it all the time, so I may pick up another major. Something God has been teaching me, is that I just can't make all these plans for my future.

We talked about the future in one of my classes, it's a philosophy/religion class and my professor was like "Does the future really exist? Does the past?" I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around this talk... it blew my mind.

All that to say, that maybe I should just cool it with the finish in two-years plan.

It's all going to be over before I know it anyways.

So. Picture explanation.

This is where the beginning of the end started for me last year...

This is a band called Fundamental Elements, they are really amazing. http://www.myspace.com/fundamentalsmusic

They played last year as well, at the same event- Back to School Bash. The night before classes, it's just a really nice community thing.

Sometimes... it feels pretty surreal to be back. But, like I said, I know it's right.

Thank You

One thing I know: nothing can be healed without God.

I do hurt. I don’t know where to start in mending such a broken relationship. I am so scared... of trusting someone who hurt me. But, I do want to.

Tonight, I realized that it hurt[s] God as well.

I don’t necessarily know where to begin, but I know that it needs to begin with God. At least for me... I can’t do this without Him; and without Him, I will fail.

God- thank you so much for the friends you have put in my life. I don’t know how to express my gratitude for them. My cup... is overflowing with gratitude.

Thank you for Tinsea, for showing me what a true friend is. For her constant friendship and love for me. For her never ever giving up on me.

Thank you for Emily, again, she has shown me what a true friend is. Thank you for making her exactly the way she is, for her constant encouragement and wisdom.

Thank you for Amy, for her heart and again for her friendship, thank you for her wisdom and her desire to serve You in all she does.

Thank you for Mandi and her heart as well, you have blessed my life with her companionship.

Thank you for Lauren, God, thank you for answering prayer, thank you for our past... which we shared so many good memories and laughs.

Thank you for Amanda [k], for her love for others, and for her tender heart. Thank you for the opportunity to know her and listen and talk to her.

Thank you for Aline, God please use me this year to speak to her, God please don’t let me be afraid to speak Your truth, not just to her, but to my family and other friends as well.

Thank you for all my friends from CTI, thank you for blessing me with so many long-distance relationships, that speak to my heart every time we talk. Thank you for using them, and powerfully moving within their lives.

Thank you for the friends I made at Nyack, Dear Lord, I was so blessed during that time in my life, and I am so sorry for taking them for granted, they are amazing, each and every one of them, and I pray that you feed their thirst and desire to honor You.

Thank you for all of my loved ones, my friends, my family, God, keep them safe. Keep them healthy, and be by their side as they live their lives day to day. Oh Lord, you are wonderful Abba.