Love/Hate

I know I shouldn't. But I really need to.... I feel deserted.

I feel like no one in my life is honest with me... and it hurts a lot.

I try to live my life as honestly as I can, and call me out if I'm not.

I'm sick of all the drama that comes along with technology.

It's stupid and... it just doesn't need to happen.

I believe people are always, always changing.

It doesn't matter how well you know anyone; God brings us through different stages in our life and we change; it's inevitable. It's not a bad thing.

I'm starting to believe all I can trust is myself, myself and God.

I love Greenville... but there's this constant spiritual high that goes on. It makes me slack off in my personal relationship with God... it makes me think that it's okay. It's not. If I don't spend personal time with my Savior, it makes me less authentic.

I miss home. A lot- especially during this season, and ever since I started college, I miss apple-picking with my mom. I would really love to go to the Big-E- the last time I went was with one of my best friends at the time, my senior year of highschool- I said I was going to keep in touch with her... I haven't done a very good job. I would love to go to pumpkintown with a group of friends and be as silly as possible. I miss cornmazes on youth group events.

Right now college is a love/hate relationship.

A Love Letter

I needed a reminder.

Chelsea,

I want more for us.

I want you to want me.

I want you to spend time with me.

I love you Chelsea, and you are good.

Look around you, those mountains, I created those, that amazing blue sky, I chose that color, just like I chose the color of your hair, and the color of your eyes. I chose you. And believe Me, I would choose you again, I will choose you over all those things you find beautiful.

Let me protect you, let me be your defender, let me be your comfort, let me be your desire. I want to be everything for you. I will be everything for you.

Chelsea, I love you more than you will ever understand. I have so much planned for you.

Just come to me, find shelter and strength in Me.

Seek me and you will find Me.

Your King- Abba.

Back to Greenville

So... I've been back at Greenville for over two weeks now.

It's been intense and wonderful all at the same time.

I knew instantly when I got here that... this was right. This is home right now.

I miss my parents, a lot. But, I can now recognize that and it's okay.

I declared my major today. I'm so excited about it. I'm excited about whatever God has in store for my future, good and bad, because I know He's going to be right by my side the entire time! I can take so much peace in that. So much happiness as well.

God is so good.

But, I'm just so pleased with my major, just the thought of it, the classes I'm taking... I'm so excited about them!

My roommate is pretty great. I don't know her very well yet, but she's amazing. She's in one of the Vesper bands, and she's also the RA of the floor. But, you can just see her heart for God, and I just think she's a beautiful person. She also likes ducks.... so... I just really feel like everything worked out so smoothly on transferring back. All my credits from Nyack transferred, which was much more than I expected!

What else.... well, this is a new thought, I really want to graduate on time... but I think it's going to be pretty tight, and I'd rather enjoy the ride than be stressed about it all the time, so I may pick up another major. Something God has been teaching me, is that I just can't make all these plans for my future.

We talked about the future in one of my classes, it's a philosophy/religion class and my professor was like "Does the future really exist? Does the past?" I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around this talk... it blew my mind.

All that to say, that maybe I should just cool it with the finish in two-years plan.

It's all going to be over before I know it anyways.

So. Picture explanation.

This is where the beginning of the end started for me last year...

This is a band called Fundamental Elements, they are really amazing. http://www.myspace.com/fundamentalsmusic

They played last year as well, at the same event- Back to School Bash. The night before classes, it's just a really nice community thing.

Sometimes... it feels pretty surreal to be back. But, like I said, I know it's right.

Thank You

One thing I know: nothing can be healed without God.

I do hurt. I don’t know where to start in mending such a broken relationship. I am so scared... of trusting someone who hurt me. But, I do want to.

Tonight, I realized that it hurt[s] God as well.

I don’t necessarily know where to begin, but I know that it needs to begin with God. At least for me... I can’t do this without Him; and without Him, I will fail.

God- thank you so much for the friends you have put in my life. I don’t know how to express my gratitude for them. My cup... is overflowing with gratitude.

Thank you for Tinsea, for showing me what a true friend is. For her constant friendship and love for me. For her never ever giving up on me.

Thank you for Emily, again, she has shown me what a true friend is. Thank you for making her exactly the way she is, for her constant encouragement and wisdom.

Thank you for Amy, for her heart and again for her friendship, thank you for her wisdom and her desire to serve You in all she does.

Thank you for Mandi and her heart as well, you have blessed my life with her companionship.

Thank you for Lauren, God, thank you for answering prayer, thank you for our past... which we shared so many good memories and laughs.

Thank you for Amanda [k], for her love for others, and for her tender heart. Thank you for the opportunity to know her and listen and talk to her.

Thank you for Aline, God please use me this year to speak to her, God please don’t let me be afraid to speak Your truth, not just to her, but to my family and other friends as well.

Thank you for all my friends from CTI, thank you for blessing me with so many long-distance relationships, that speak to my heart every time we talk. Thank you for using them, and powerfully moving within their lives.

Thank you for the friends I made at Nyack, Dear Lord, I was so blessed during that time in my life, and I am so sorry for taking them for granted, they are amazing, each and every one of them, and I pray that you feed their thirst and desire to honor You.

Thank you for all of my loved ones, my friends, my family, God, keep them safe. Keep them healthy, and be by their side as they live their lives day to day. Oh Lord, you are wonderful Abba.

Perfect Timing

God’s timing is perfect.

As much as there are certain things in my life right now that seems like there is never a perfect time for... I know this is true, and that God will use everything and anything in His time.

Nyack. Nyack is what I needed. I haven’t really touched base at the basic lessons I have learned from Nyack but now seems like the time.

These are the things I got most out of Nyack:

I learned so much about the relationships I had, with friends, with family, with God.

I put my foot down on a major; one that I’m so excited studying about.

I made amazing friends, people that only knew me for a short while but cared just as much about me as my dearest and closest friends. I will never forget how welcomed they made me feel.

I needed to step out of Greenville for a time. God knew that, and when I look back on everything that happened during the semester, well I don’t regret it, and I’m honestly thankful for it.

God also has a perfect plan as I am back in Greenville.

I was having some difficulty with my decision (again) for the past month. Things began happening that started making me believe that this was God’s way of telling me that Greenville was not apart of His plan... and that I was doing one hell of a job pissing Him off. But... it didn’t make sense... I don’t believe that God punishes like that.

It also didn’t make sense how everything came out so smoothly. All my credits transferred, my roommate... is absolutely amazing, I still don’t know her very well but, I adore her. The classes I needed were all available, and somehow I bypassed the waiting list for a couple of them.

I also knew, once I got back on campus, I would feel at peace about my decision, which I do. I’m still concerned about the things that God has put in my life at this present time, but I know that everything will turn out exactly as He has planned... they’re teaching me more lessons after all.

This Life I'm Given

God... you are so amazing.

I cannot thank you enough for my life.

I cannot thank you enough for the people you have placed in my life.

God. I love you.

I'm so sorry for constantly hurting You.

God... your grace on my life... I don't deserve this amazing, passionate gift.

Thank you... thank you for showing me the only love You can give.

A love that is everlasting and eternal.

God... thank you for my parents, for my parents who would give the world to me. For my parents who frustrate and annoy me, but have raised me into the young woman I am... who have put your truth in my heart as a young girl

Thank you for my desires.

Thank you for instilling your truths in my heart.

Thank you for chasing me. For pursuing a relationship with me.

God... I don't deserve anything that I have been blessed with.

I am selfish and greedy. I am a filthy sinner.

God, you are amazing and I couldn't have this life without you giving it to me.

Without supplying my every breath.

God... thank you...

Thank you for this life I'm given.

I want to give it back to You. Help me Father, help me to pursue You like You have pursued me. I want every thing I do to count for You and Your glorious kingdom.

Friends Forever!

My friend shouted this one night as we got settled into bed. I laughed at the phrase she decided to use and end the night with. Most people say a cheerful goodnight at sleepovers. Apparently... not her, leave it up to E.H to come up with something original.

I recently told my car accident story to another friend and I also told her how much E.H did for me throughout the week. She told me “That’s amazing, that’s a true friend you’ve got there.” I couldn’t agree more. Actually... E.H is one of the truest friends anyone could have. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like her, she treats everyone with respect and supports everyone, wether she agrees with them or not.

As I started my semester at Nyack, another friend encouraged me by reminding me that this situation would bring out my true friends. That the people who stayed in contact with me, were the ones that genuinely cared about me. This is where I would like to add that I also realized who my true friends at home were... but I need to get into that for another time... a post titled "What Nyack Taught Me."

Another friend of mine (E.D- I hope you don’t mind!) blogged about friendships recently. She talked about bad kind and the good kind.

Her favorite kind :: The 'I'm friends with you, because I enjoy hanging out with you, but we also can have serious conversations' Friend: This friend is someone that should be cherished, because they are hard to find. This person truly cares about you as an individual and lets you know it. This person gets to know you, your likes and dislikes, the good and the bad. This person is someone that you can trust your secrets to and know that they're not going to go tell someone else. This friend is one that will stand by you through thick and thin, the one that you can laugh with and cry with, the one that loves you at your worst and at your best. This friend, is a keeper.

Before I started college, one of my youth leaders whom I was very close to, told me very often how I was going to make such great friends in college. Of course I believed her. She made the whole college experience sound like the most amazing thing ever. I haven’t been disappointed. College has had its ups and downs, but I know when I get done, there’s a lot I will be taking away from it. There's a lot I have gotten out of it already.

Like some forever friends, past and present.

[no current song]