Last week I got my debriefing papers from CTI. The day we returned from Honduras, we went through debriefing, which consisted of talking as a group about our experience, and answering some questions on paper about our experience. “The primary goal of our time together is to help you being [or continue] to process your experience as a CTI team member.”
These are some of the things that went through my mind as I read over my words from 3 months ago.
I closed my eyes, and I imagined myself back in those places, the places that were the humblest and smallest, the places where I felt God’s presence the most powerful.
I felt the same joy that I felt when I truly discovered God’s love for me, and was reminded of how much it hurt when I was slapped with the truth that I didn’t believe He could love me.
My breath was taken away thinking about the grandeur of the mountains.
I felt the jealousy to love on the people, my heart yearns to go back.
I was upset... I talked about the passion I felt to love people. I so desired to spread it to everyone.... and I tried, I remember trying very hard earlier in the semester... and when I read my passion... I was so upset with myself that I lost that. That I stopped putting others needs before mine, that I stopped loving on people.
The fire is still there, it’s something that warms my heart and won’t ever leave. Yet, I find myself still not entirely willing to change. I think it has something to do with my future as I know it right now, because I’m not returning, I am selfish and say to myself, “what does it matter.... in a matter of weeks, they won’t be apart of my life anymore.”
I feel sorry for myself. I do not want to leave, but I am also ready for the change, and ready to feel at peace about where I am.
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