Failure

I'm gonna try to be an open book right now.

I'm filled with a lot of shame, fear, doubt and confusion.

I suppose the confusion wouldn't be a problem if I gave myself some time to stop and think things through... and maybe even actually pray.

I don't want to pray though... I don't want to talk to God about all these things going through my head. I'm afraid. Not of what He will say or do, because it's nothing like that, I'm more afraid of myself really. It's not like I don't consider myself a believer right now, I do, I'm just lost.

I don't know how to come before God right now... because of my shame.

It's breaking me, but not in a good way.

It's pulling me away from everything and everyone good in my life, I don't feel able to pray for my dear friends and loved ones because I can't go to God.

How messed up is that? I love my friends... and I love God and I want to serve Him with everything, but how can I when I won't even talk to Him. How can I serve and love others if I'm not in communion with my Heavenly Father? I just feel so much shame that I don't know how to talk to my friends about what's going on either.

I'm letting everyone down, and I'm hurting my Abba, and I'm hurting myself... and ignoring my issues isn't doing any good, I know this, I know that they're going to fall right on top of me and I'm going to hit the bottom like the ton of bricks that I feel inside my chest.

I can't even be in the same room with people praying. I feel like the biggest hypocrite of them all.

I am a failure... I am.

My Heart

God, thank you for opening my heart.

Thank you for HOLDING my heart.

I am not capable of much without you in it.

God, thank you for holding my friends in your hands, and wrapping them in your arms. Abba, they need You, I need You.

Thank you for my best friends, who have gone through so much. Thank you for my new floor mates and their hearts and stories and lives. Thank you for my amazing roommate and her heart and friendship and for placing her in my life at the exact right timing.

Thank you for my family... each and every one of them, my parents, my grandparents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. Lord... they need you, please use me.

God... most of all thank you for blessing my life. Please help me not to take it for granted. I owe you so much. Oh, Abba, thank you for giving your Son for my life, for my sins. I do not deserve your love, but Abba... I desire to pour out your love from my heart.

Abba, please be with the broken, the burdened... there are so many people searching for You.

My heart has been heavy lately for the people that surround me... even at a Christian school there is so much brokenness... people you assume know God, recognize what He has done for them... and so many of these people are broken and suffering, just like the rest. Even my friends... my friends who I know love and trust God; who are doing the best they can with what they've got.

Nobody's got it together... and everybody has something going on, everyone has a past they are dragging like the heaviest weight on their shoulders.

I came to a discussion, twice this night about being real. If everyone was open, real and honest... oh to be so unafraid. My heart is too unbrave. But that's what God is calling us to be, real. Real lovers, real forgivers, real peacemakers, real givers, real tryers, real people.