I'm filled with a lot of shame, fear, doubt and confusion.
I suppose the confusion wouldn't be a problem if I gave myself some time to stop and think things through... and maybe even actually pray.
I don't want to pray though... I don't want to talk to God about all these things going through my head. I'm afraid. Not of what He will say or do, because it's nothing like that, I'm more afraid of myself really. It's not like I don't consider myself a believer right now, I do, I'm just lost.
I don't know how to come before God right now... because of my shame.
It's breaking me, but not in a good way.
It's pulling me away from everything and everyone good in my life, I don't feel able to pray for my dear friends and loved ones because I can't go to God.
How messed up is that? I love my friends... and I love God and I want to serve Him with everything, but how can I when I won't even talk to Him. How can I serve and love others if I'm not in communion with my Heavenly Father? I just feel so much shame that I don't know how to talk to my friends about what's going on either.
I'm letting everyone down, and I'm hurting my Abba, and I'm hurting myself... and ignoring my issues isn't doing any good, I know this, I know that they're going to fall right on top of me and I'm going to hit the bottom like the ton of bricks that I feel inside my chest.
I can't even be in the same room with people praying. I feel like the biggest hypocrite of them all.
I am a failure... I am.
Hi, i'm not trying to be funny or anything like that but i'm just trying to help. If this helps that would be great, if not then i'm sorry if i have said unnecessary things. Anyway, i don't know what you have experienced over there but I, too, have felt shameful of myself (due to my past deeds), confused of what to do and doubted many things around me including God to the point that i did not pray. But something struck me as i experienced these troubles and it was something like this: "You’ve carried the guilt, the shame for long enough. You’ve kept your wounds open for long enough. The time has to come to let go, to heal. Keep the lessons and let the pain heal." Confess to God no matter how shameful and how hard it may be because the moment you are forgiven, you will feel lighter and rejuvenated as it did for me. Take this as a stepping stone or as a test as you grow with Him. Repent for your sins if you have committed any and see the grace of the Lord work within you and around you. Don't forget the riches and promises that God has made to his followers. I wish you well and pray that you will find great relief and comfort as you go to God in prayers and in communions like i did. May you walk in the faith of the Lord our God. :)
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