Children

I love how children are so unashamedly, unafraid to approach people.

I've been having a rough couple days with some personal things and I went on site today after reading a sucky email, and just wanted to cry. So, I spill out what's up to one of my summer staffers and he gives me a hug and he tells me to leave that behind and concentrate on the task at hand.

These beautiful children that I can love on and be loved on in return.

And as soon as I took my last sorry-for-myself breath, I turn around and this little guy is standing behind me and asks me to take a picture.

Then of course he wanted to see the picture... and then he wanted to use the fancy camera. So at first I kept the strap around my neck as I let him play and he took numerous pictures of the most random things, but then he wanted to take a picture of me, so I let him. Then he also proceeded in telling me to take pictures of random things, and I obliged.

And, then I wanted a picture of the two of us, so I asked the same encouraging summer staffer that I mentioned above to take it. And... just like that, this child made all those worries go away, because it isn't about grades or school or home or time or me and my wants. It's about God. It's about love. And God is love. And without love, life is pointless and everything is dead.

Thank you little children. Thank you Abba.

Lay 'em down

I'm pretty ridiculous.

We are the masters of keeping ourselves, our facades in place and showing the world that we are GREAT. That we're just a bucket of sunshine and freakin roses.

Lies.... it's all lies. Nobody, nobody has it all together. And... I'm no exception.

I constantly let my pride get in the way of my vulnerability.

And... I feel like I write a post about this too much. Seemingly, always struggling with the same thing... I've heard two things recently about this. 1) "Even after 20 years... this is still affecting her." 2) "maybe those are the things we're suppose to lean on Jesus with."

This is part of who I am, I suppose... and I suppose I do need to learn to give it to Jesus, because.. I don't want it to still affect me in 20 years, at least... not in the same way, not as powerful as it does today.

I'm so afraid of being a burden to others. Which is stupid, because as Christians, we are there for each others burdens.... but our society, just doesn't approve of that and unfortunately I've let our society get the best of me in this area.

I don't want to get hurt. None of us do. Personally, I just feel like I've been through the ringer on this getting hurt thing enough times... and I realize, it's going to happen, and I need to just get over this, because people are here to help and a Christian community should be more than willing to carry each others burdens... and if they're not... then it's probably time to find a new community.

So... I'm going to try. To lay these burdens down. Sort through the muck in my head that desperately needs to be dealt with. Lean on Jesus and lean on the community God has given me.

God is Rest

It's been two long weeks.

High schoolers came in, and they are exhausting! Okay... here's the thing. These were not ordinary high schoolers... they were upper class californian prep high schoolers. And. I think it would be fair to say Guatemala probably blew their minds.

I know when I went to Nicaragua in high school it blew mine, I also was young and more immature; that I really did not understand everything I was taking in.

So... I can put myself in their shoes... but that still didn't make it much easier.

I was blessed with a good group at my site... overall, hit a little speed bump with one member, but I spoke to that person and they apologized, and we moved on.

What to say... my heart was probably not in the right place these past two weeks. I didn't try as hard as I could have... as I should have. Honestly, feel worn out...

Continually feel inadequate about a variety of things, but I keep asking God to humble me... so maybe that's my answered prayer.

And... I feel lost. I feel like maybe I'm not cut out for missions after all, because I miss home. I caught myself saying "I cannot imagine..." not being able to enjoy certain things that the United States offers me. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life, or where I'm going.

I was talking to one of the leaders from one of the groups and I told her that "I was just leaving it up to God, I don't know where He wants me... but I'm willing to go wherever." She told me she completely agreed, that she never really had a plan, which really bothers some people, but she is happy and the Lord is leading her. I really appreciated my talks with her... they were probably the most uplifting of my two weeks.

And... that's all the Lord asks of me, is a willing heart. But... if I'm being honest there are some things I'm not being willing about, because... it's too complicated to change now. Lord, please deal with me.

Summer Staff

I've been in Guate too long... not really, but as I typed the title of this post I said it with an accent in my head like the Guatemalans do. Too cute... haha....

But. Seriously. I am so blessed by these crazies. So, unexpectedly blessed. I love how real they each are and I love being in communion with them. We each are very unique and bring something completely different and needed to the table of summer staff.

So, Abba, I lift up my friends to you- Allie, Jamie, Sydney Jane, Mo-Mo, Timothy and Reba! Thank you for blessing me and putting us together in your masterful plan. Let us continue to grow together and learn from each other. Thank you for giving us the time we have together, it is precious.

God is Giving

The graciousness of these people keep astounding me.

Yet again, another lesson that I have been learning here in Guatemala is that not only am I trying to be Jesus to these people, but these people are also Jesus.

To see Jesus in these people. God’s presence. Jose, my site leader, his goal is to always capture God’s presence in our photos.

Today we tagged along with the Art Site and made some home visits. One room living conditions... darkness, flies, dirty cement floor, and a loving family of 7.

The one boy goes to the art school, and he actually sells his paintings to help earn money for his family. I sat there observing, and I could see how proud his mother was of him, and I could feel the love of God resonating in that room.

His family proceeded in handing everyone a glass of orange juice. These people do not have much. One lesson I can learn from them; is to be more giving. If they can give to us, people who have done nothing for them, than I, who has a numerous amount of things can give to others as well.

God gives... with no expectation of receiving anything in return. This is what love is.