It Makes me Realize

I have so many thoughts about this past week. It didn’t go as I planned. A car accident got in the way to say the least... and I could have and probably should have lost my life... or had taken someone down with me.... but God had His grace on me and protected me and guided my out of control vehicle in the safest way possible to avoid the least damage (in my opinion) to both myself and my car (which I’m pretty sure I may just get back).

So, technically I should be in Indiana right now... visiting my friend Amy. But life happens, and I’m honestly just thankful to still have mine.

God taught me a lot through this incident... and it made something click within me; especially after this summer, I just haven’t been feeling connected to God like I should. It’s just been a long year, going through a lot of changes and it’s not over yet!

Anyway... that’s just some background. I think what I really want to share is how people reacted. Before I started the road trip, I wondered why I was doing all of this and I felt like I was being selfish. I’m not sure if that makes sense, and I’m not sure I know how to explain it. I wanted to see my friends... I wanted them to want to see me... I wanted to feel loved.

I got that... that’s for sure. But... not in the way I had wanted to, I didn’t want them to fear for my life. I didn’t want to have my parents worry about me so much either.

But everyone was so concerned for me, and that really touched me. But it made me realize how important it is to tell people how much they mean to you when they still are in your life.

It made me realize... how much my own life means.

It makes me realize how important relationships are.

It makes me realize how badly I want to honor God with my life, because I know the only reason why I am here is because of Him.

It makes me realize that... God has such a distinct plan for my life.

It made me realize just how meaningless everything else is.

It’s all about us. God cares about us, not the materialistic crap we set our eyes on. It’s about loving people in the name of Jesus. It’s bringing people into the realization of a loving relationship with Him.

It’s leaving a mark on people’s lives.

“A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar

They're worth so much more after I’m a goner

And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’

Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’”

The Band Perry- If I Die Young

Well...

I used to write in this more casually...

Oh well.

I did something today that I really, really like! But... I want to keep it a secret for the time being... Don't I make some of you oh so curious?? Ha!

Sorry... everyone will know in the next two weeks, give or take.

I can't even post a picture yet!

I hate keeping secrets.

Yeah... I think that is more or less correct. Not to say I can't keep them, I can. I would never betray someone's trust knowingly.

I'm leaving Friday to head up to my friend's wedding. I'm pretty excited. I haven't seen all of the people I'm about to see since January or December. I'm excited to see my best friends from Greenville and see my friends tie the knot! I'm just plain excited. It's gonna be next Monday so soon.... and then... it'll be August 6 before I know it... and then... I'll be headed to school before I know it... and SUMMER IS OVER.

Ugh! That's what it feels like... I'm still not looking forward to school... I would like to just live in my parents basement forever... and cook and clean for them... yeah.... and work on my music. Yeah.... right....

That's not true either though, at this point I just want to graduate even though I feel like I just finished high school and college is gonna be over before I know it... and as much as I want to move on with my life, I know I'm gonna miss it. There's a lot of stuff I want to do after I graduate, that I just can't do right now.

But... I know God's got it covered. See... Jeremiah 29:11 has been imprinted in my life this past year. If you don't know it... go memorize it right now, it's important! I remember the first time I was encouraged with this verse- my friend from El Salvador shared it with me, bless his heart! He's been a really good friend to me since we've met, he encourages me quite a bit actually through out our correspondence. But anyway... I'm writing all this to remind myself in the future to look back on this past school year and remember that God is in control of it all.

God's really good... and He orchestrates things, a lot of things that we don't understand when we are in the midst of it, but it is always for our good.

Check out Kickball a Rob Bell/ Nooma video. This story Rob Bell tells about his son is an incredible analogy of how God is always looking out for our best interests.

I was shown this video first in 2005 with Musicon Ministries, and it held a very special place in my heart. In a month, God had again shown me this video to speak to me, not once but twice.

Loving a Person

"Loving a person just the way they are is no small thing..." Sara Groves.

I encourage you to look up this song in whole either by listening or reading the lyrics or both.

But this came on today as I picked up my parents from the airport and rolled my eyes in frustration towards them... made me bite my tongue.

And even right now... I'm frustrated with a few things.

I tried to do a "vlog" about it... but I just didn't care too much for it when all was said and done. I wasn't even going to continue posting up a blog at all. But, something in me is telling me to.

My "vlog" (I think that is a dumb word hence the quotations) wasn't even about my parents. It was about me and my stupid school decision... ONCE AGAIN.

I'm fine with my decision... it's the outcome that makes me nervous you know? That chess player in me I guess. I should stop blaming that.

It's not even that... it's people. It's always people! It's about the thoughts that people will have about me. Which shouldn't even matter....

I don't like loving and needing people more then they love or need me... it's such a vulnerable place to be in... it's a scary place to be in. All I want to want and to need is God. I need God. I love God.... and He loves me... but I don't show my love for Him nearly as much as I should... and I try to change and I do... for a day or two... but then I go back to my habits, my awful bad habits for another week before I feel sad and desperate again to spend time with Him.

I've been writing a song... the first line of the chorus goes like this "I know it's not easy to be everything that you don't want to be." When I first came up with that... I didn't even think it made sense, it just sounded good... it just came out of my mouth like so many other things do. But the more and more I digest that line... it means so much.

There are so many things I don't like about myself, that I want to change, some things I need to change because they're not God honoring. Some things... because other people don't like them.

To change these things... is so hard... I suppose it gets easier in time, sometimes.

And I keep finding myself so grateful that God knows about these things and chooses to look past them and love us in spite of them. Loving a person, just the way they are.

Another song from Sara Groves has the lyrics "I love because you loved me when I had nothing." Another reason why I am grateful... I have absolutely nothing to give Him in return (except my life) and He takes me... He takes me, with all of my imperfections...

Indecision

Remember how I wanted to talk about this topic?

Well... I can’t sleep, so I figured now was a good time to do this.

It doesn’t make me feel good about my decision though.

But... my decision, didn’t really have a right or wrong answer... and like I said as long as I’m honoring God with the little things... I’m golden.

Anyway... I’m not sure where to start.

When I first started studying this, I thought-- oh okay, indecisiveness isn’t a sin. But, the more I looked at it, it is. James 1:5-8 tells us to not be unwavering, to be steadfast and not double-minded. I guess some people say that this is talking more about “You can’t serve two masters, you will either hate the one and love the other.”

But it just doesn’t matter... indecisiveness draws you away from God, because instead of nurturing your gifts and growing in God... you put all of your focus on this decision you have to make. And... it sucks!

I don’t feel nearly as close to God as I did 6 months ago. In fact... a lot of the time I don’t feel like I know Him at all. I really let my relationship with God suffer this semester, and I’m not pleased with myself for it.

I like this definition of indecisiveness: “Indecisiveness is the inability to take a reasonable risk, to make a decision in a timely manner with limited information.”

Like I said in my last post... I really like to weigh out all my options. Make sure that the next move I make isn’t going to screw anything up... but anything can happen anywhere. I can’t expect anything... I need to stop expecting things... and just let life be.

And... I’m uncomfortable with my decision because I wonder if my heart isn’t in the right place. I believe it is in the right place... but I also know I’m not that selfless, and there are selfish motives behind my decision. I just don’t believe it to be at the core of my decision though.

I will leave you with two verses that I am finding to be very encouraging tonight:

-Isaiah 51:7

“Listen to me, you who know right from wrong, you who cherish my law in your hearts. Do not be afraid of people’s scorn, nor fear their insults.”

-Galatians 5:22-23

“When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law.”

The Small Things

So, God has continued to speak to me about peace- I guess you could say, this entire month, God has been putting that in my head.

Finally figured out why.

I wonder what the Bible says about indecisiveness. It’s probably a sin... I should study the subject and get back to you!

Anyway. God sat me down during church this last Sunday. Totally convinced that I was going to be convicted to go to one school and that God was just gonna make it crystal-clear during the sermon.

Instead, God instructed me to pray and make a decision before I left that church.

I had been going back and forth... probably all semester. I didn’t realize how much stress that created for myself- until I made a decision and until I called this decision my own.

See... I was getting so caught up in making the wrong decision. That if I chose the wrong place... I would ruin my entire future. I’ve always made decisions like a chess player.... when I was little, I used to be awesome at chess, then my dad stopped playing with me and I forgot how to play.

But, what I realized and came to conclude is that.... “All the small things that we do, make up the big things in this life. So, if all my small things are honoring to God, then so will the big things.”

So, what I’m trying to say, it doesn’t matter where I go, as long as what I do in the process is honoring to God.

I’ll explain more about my decision when the time comes, but I just wanted to share this.

I also wanted to share how freeing it feels.... I didn’t even realize the burden I was carrying with this decision, but once I committed to one... I’ve felt more sane, more myself ever since- being home has helped too.

Bloggers

Goodness Gracious!

Has anyone else noticed how popular blogging has gotten all of a sudden/// again, I mean, I'm pretty sure it was really popular back when internet was just becoming popular.

Okay, maybe not that long ago... but, let's just go with 2005.

Anyway. I started my blog when I started college, because I wanted to document my college journey through it. Then I kind of got immature and missused it... kind of like what I did with this one a few months ago.... [joke, kind of, sort of... let's just laugh about it...]

But... I was so embarrassed by my immaturity that I just blocked it from the world- I didn't delete mind you, I personally can still read my freshman experiences, but you cannot!

But, I'm just impressed with how well other people write and I've realized... I need to pick up my game. Of course, I like keeping it a simple subject, easy to follow thing. Besides... my mind moves and thinks so much.... that you probably wouldn't be able to keep up with my brain's comprehensiveness.

See.... I'm not even sure if I made sense just there... I mean, it made sense to me, I'm just not too sure about you.

And... now that I've gotten on so many tangents, I forgot why I was writing this in the first place....

Oh. yes. So many others have been blogging, and I love it. Especially when they are my Christian friends talking about what God is teaching them. It's beautiful to learn from that kind of community. For me, it makes the Christian faith come alive.

So... fellow Christian bloggers, I encourage you to continue writing and processing your thoughts out loud, because you don't know who is reading, and when you're open and honest with what God is teaching you, and what your flaws are... you make Christianity tangible.

And, I also believe, it makes you more authentic. Thank you.

Brotherly Love

Last week at church we went over Romans 12: 9-21.

My pastor said that these verses tell us how to love.

Some of these instructions are easier then others.

But, particularly verse 10 says to “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love....”
My pastor talked about what brotherly love is. For some reason I never really thought about what this means before. I thought brotherly love was just the love all us Christians just share together; and yes, that is partially true.

But brotherly love is family love. It’s letting arguments go, it’s letting the water go under the bridge, because when it comes down to it; whatever they’ve done doesn’t matter, because they are your family.

Thankfully, God has blessed me with good Christian friends that I honestly do consider my family, more then they probably realize. People that I have experienced true brotherly love with, we’ve had to put our water under the bridge... and when it was all said and done, we were all blessed because of it.

Another thing that sticks out to me, that I would like to share from this sermon is about making peace.

I’ve wondered this for a while, I don’t know if I shared these thoughts before- But if God is on our side, and He will avenge our enemies... how does that work when we are enemies with our brother and sisters in Christ?

Well, I realized that as brothers and sisters in Christ, we’re suppose to be at peace with each other, we’re commanded to love and live differently from the world. How can God be for one of His children and not for the other? How can we be examples to this world if we can’t put away our differences to love another sibling in Christ?

God’s really been speaking to me about peace lately. I’m afraid that I’m not at peace with one of my siblings in Christ, and yes of course, some of you know exactly who I’m talking about- and I’m not trashing this person, not in the least bit. I still care about this person- and if I knew how to bring peace towards our broken relationship I would.

“You can’t make peace, because that takes two people, but one person can bring peace.”

Dear Old Friend, in case you ever read this- I want to bring peace into our non-existent relationship, I’m not asking for friendship. Just peace. I also never had the chance to tell you that I forgave you... you are forgiven.