I'm tiny

God- thank you for showing me recently how SMALL I am.

Here's the thing Lord, I know I've been a mess lately, and I'm still not so sure about what I'm doing... but I feel like I'm doing something, sort of right, but I'm doing it all wrong at the same time. That doesn't make any sense does it?

That's okay- it doesn't need to make sense to you. It makes sense to me.

I don't like myself very much, and it's not healthy and God's working on it with me... I know that the distortion I see of myself is not of Him, and it hurts Him.

But, I think it's been good to be knocked off my little pedestal and see the world from down here. God has really just torn me down, thankfully I still have His foundation, where His word rests. I'm starting from the bottom, relearning how to be a Christian. No... a Jesus Follower.

There is so many negative connotations with church and christian... and it's so sad. I don't want to be that to someone.

But... God is changing me, and I'm still struggling to be at peace with myself and with Him and giving up my will... but it's happening and it's good, and I know He is good, and I just want to let Him work in me, I just don't want to take His credit anymore and I want to love people for who they are.

And, it's not something that will happen overnight, it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. But, God's going to be right beside me and this is all Him, He will take over me.

Failure

I'm gonna try to be an open book right now.

I'm filled with a lot of shame, fear, doubt and confusion.

I suppose the confusion wouldn't be a problem if I gave myself some time to stop and think things through... and maybe even actually pray.

I don't want to pray though... I don't want to talk to God about all these things going through my head. I'm afraid. Not of what He will say or do, because it's nothing like that, I'm more afraid of myself really. It's not like I don't consider myself a believer right now, I do, I'm just lost.

I don't know how to come before God right now... because of my shame.

It's breaking me, but not in a good way.

It's pulling me away from everything and everyone good in my life, I don't feel able to pray for my dear friends and loved ones because I can't go to God.

How messed up is that? I love my friends... and I love God and I want to serve Him with everything, but how can I when I won't even talk to Him. How can I serve and love others if I'm not in communion with my Heavenly Father? I just feel so much shame that I don't know how to talk to my friends about what's going on either.

I'm letting everyone down, and I'm hurting my Abba, and I'm hurting myself... and ignoring my issues isn't doing any good, I know this, I know that they're going to fall right on top of me and I'm going to hit the bottom like the ton of bricks that I feel inside my chest.

I can't even be in the same room with people praying. I feel like the biggest hypocrite of them all.

I am a failure... I am.

My Heart

God, thank you for opening my heart.

Thank you for HOLDING my heart.

I am not capable of much without you in it.

God, thank you for holding my friends in your hands, and wrapping them in your arms. Abba, they need You, I need You.

Thank you for my best friends, who have gone through so much. Thank you for my new floor mates and their hearts and stories and lives. Thank you for my amazing roommate and her heart and friendship and for placing her in my life at the exact right timing.

Thank you for my family... each and every one of them, my parents, my grandparents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. Lord... they need you, please use me.

God... most of all thank you for blessing my life. Please help me not to take it for granted. I owe you so much. Oh, Abba, thank you for giving your Son for my life, for my sins. I do not deserve your love, but Abba... I desire to pour out your love from my heart.

Abba, please be with the broken, the burdened... there are so many people searching for You.

My heart has been heavy lately for the people that surround me... even at a Christian school there is so much brokenness... people you assume know God, recognize what He has done for them... and so many of these people are broken and suffering, just like the rest. Even my friends... my friends who I know love and trust God; who are doing the best they can with what they've got.

Nobody's got it together... and everybody has something going on, everyone has a past they are dragging like the heaviest weight on their shoulders.

I came to a discussion, twice this night about being real. If everyone was open, real and honest... oh to be so unafraid. My heart is too unbrave. But that's what God is calling us to be, real. Real lovers, real forgivers, real peacemakers, real givers, real tryers, real people.

The Ugly Truth...

This is where I am at:

I've been miserable. I have not been the Christian I ought to be...

I've let lies into my head and completely consume me.

I have not been slow to anger.

I have not shown my friends the love they deserve.

I've been destroying myself and my relationships.

I've been selfish. Really, selfish.

I have been putting other gods before God.

I've been trying to be someone that I cannot ever be.

I am broken.

I do not live up to the expectations I put on myself and I tear myself down.

God says I am beautiful... and wonderful and worthwhile.

God says I am worth all the time in the world, and that I have something to offer.

God, give me a clean heart and a clean mind. I want to be pure in Your sight.

I want to put away the things of this world.

I want to stop listening to all the lies... please, Lord speak to me truth when lies enter my mind. Humble me... simply humble me.

Freedom

We sing this song in Vespers all the time... about freedom.

Freedom.

Jesus died on a cross for my freedom.

Free to dance, Free to sing, Free to live without fear.

Jesus died on a cross to set the captives free...

I AM FREE.

I love that... I love Him for loving me that much...

I am free to live my life for Him without shame and I asked for a key necklace from my mom this Christmas as a symbol of that freedom, so that I won't forget. So that I won't live in fear.

"No more shackles, no more chains, no more bondage, I am free."

Hallelujah!

Fear

Can you give me something new?

A freshness, a understanding, a sense of clarity.

I need something new.

Can you leave the old so simply behind?

The broken, the shamed, the tattered and torn.

The old, is loved and cherished. Used.

They say one is silver and the other, gold.

Faithful. Desire.

It’s a pitiful hole.

It bubbles, it spews...

It’s sabotage.

Too good to be true.

Too wrong to be right.

Too afraid to really feel or too afraid to be herself.

That’s me. Right there, you see.

Fear, it trickles down like water on a leaf.

Too afraid. Too unbrave.

Never, ever good enough. Tries so hard, it ain’t enough.

Never, ever good enough.

Never will. Never was.

Keep trying, keep running, keep singing, keep loving...

Keep being everything you think you can to earn somebody’s love.

It’ll never be enough.

It’s never enough.

Fear. That’s me, inside me. It lives and breathes.

Newness. Freshness. Clarity.

Find me. Give me. Love me. Save me.

Make me.

Show me the old and break me.

Show me the new and heal me.

Quickly, before the fear revives me.

chelsea.tea.

Here's my heart Lord...

Once upon a time...

I felt really, really hurt by people I cared about.

So much was going on in my life that I didn't want my heart anymore.

It hurt too much.

This is what I wrote at that time:

It’s come to a point where I’ve decided to just rip it out and hand it over to God. I just don’t want to be emotionally connected to anyone... Not until it is completely repaired, and I have come a better person and have come to more of a conclusion of who I am.

I'm not that person anymore... God changed me so much after that.

But... I still get hurt, and I will continue to get hurt. That's what happens when you love.

I think I had the right idea. Giving God my heart. I don't want it... I can't handle heartbreak and I don't really think God originally made our hearts for this. He deserves my heart.

I have a lot of issues to work through, everyday...

God's blessed me greatly, I have great people in my life that have walked through a lot of my issues with me and continue to. But they're not perfect, just like me, and I'm still let down and hurt by them at times. People hurt people.

I wish I could carry some of those people with me forever, and never lose them, but I can't and the only one who's going to carry and keep me... is God. So, here's a public declaration- I'm gonna try being dependent on Him, not people, not my best friends.

Besides... my heart is His.