Hypocrite Writer

I don't want to write things to show you who I am.
I want my actions to speak loud enough.
I don't want to make a show of what I believe and not live it.
I want the things I say to match up with what I do.
I pray that my character is not misconceived.
I pray that what I say on here, matches up with what you, the reader sees.
I apologize, if I have been a hypocrite.
I hope in the future that you will call me out.

Redemption

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I’m not sure why. But, it is a story of God’s redemption in my life.

When I was 14, my aunt fought and died of ovarian cancer. 

This kind of set a lot of emotions off inside of me.

I became numb to a lot of things going on around me... I was miserable. 

It will be two years in January since the last time I cut myself. 

It has been over five years since I made a conscious decision to stop cutting myself. 

Through the years, my mind would still connect my emotions to cutting. I would cut myself inconsistently hoping it would relieve my pain. Thinking that somehow when I was a young teenager that it helped and that it could help again. It never did, I would instantly be in remorse over my decision. 

I have been throughly redeemed over the past two years. I have not had any desire to cut myself. I stopped in 2005, and the summer before I went back into public school God interceded in my life by using a music ministry that I became involved with. That summer I gave up some of my control over to God. I remember how hard it was; not only giving to God this idea of control, but healing... God used that summer to make sure that I knew He forgave me, but it took much longer to forgive myself. 

An analogy that I like to use is that God gave His son, Jesus, to die and suffer and bleed on a cross for me... so that I wouldn’t have to. So that I wouldn’t cut myself. 

I eventually forgave myself. Cutting myself no longer controls me. I have been freed from that kind of thinking.

I still struggle with depression. I still struggle with giving God my trust and my control. But I do not let these things conquer me. My Savior is so much bigger than these things. 

Masterpieces

For the past few days nothing has turned out the way I have planned. But... they have all been orchestrated by God and they have turned out to be exactly what I need. 

People. Wonderful people that God has placed in my life... people to reconnect with. People that I haven't connected with before.

One girl imparticular... sees people as the masterpieces God has made them to be... it's beautiful. The things I take for granted... she illuminates them and makes them the most exciting things... I think that's exactly how God sees us. God gets so excited about us, we are his masterpieces. 

I love people who inspire me to be better. Who challenge me to live out my faith. Who encourage me. 

I love that God has a plan. 

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

401

Last night, my cor group put on a movie night for our project.
Basically... we wanted to hand out surveys and get a discussion out of it.
We put a lot of work into it though, and I was very impressed with our turn out; it surpassed our expectations. I'm also very proud and humbled with my group. I loved the unity and teamwork we put into this.
I also really enjoyed handing out our surveys and informing people of what was going on and what we've been researching this semester.
We [as in all the seniors] have put a lot of work into this... and I know we all dread it, but the presentation is good for us, it gives us a chance to exhibit our hard work and I think it should be honored.

I've really enjoyed this whole thing... okay... not all of it. But, there has been a lot of good things to come out of it. [I also know my grade is secure in the hands of our advisor...]
I've had the opportunity to interview people and hear their stories, and see how God has orchestrated and implemented things in their lives, and see the potential they have to influence others lives.
I've had the opportunity to work with two of my good friends that I've known since freshman year, which I had my hestancies, but it worked out very well. I also worked with two people that pleasantly surprised me.
My group has a lot of strengths and I was very blessed this semester.

Plan A

Maybe it's not the right thing.
But, one thing has become crystal clear.
I have the passions I have for a reason.
I will be applying to work with a ministry full-time next year.
Full-time ministry.
This is hugely over-whelming.
This is a giganto commitment.
But... I can't imagine serving God any other way...

I've been so worried about making this desicion based on my wants and not God's. This has frustrated and discouraged me. I have a year to raise support for this. People have encouraged me... "If it's God's will He will make a way." I argue, "But, that's not how this works. I can do this and if I don't raise enough money at the end... I owe the organization money." The way I've been looking at it is... when it's all said and done, when I come to the end of my year of ministry and I don't earn the support... "This was all me, this was me chasing after my own selfish desires."And the idea of that upsets me so much... that once again, I am putting myself before my Jesus, who gave his life for me.

I don't know... that doubt will probably rest in my heart for some time.
But, I do have hope.

Personal Day

It's been too long since I stepped off the Greenville campus. Oh my goodness....
Today was so wonderful and needed. I almost started forgetting there's a world outside of the greenville bubble.
I took this morning to do whatever I wanted. No worries. Listening to Lori Mckenna.
Being by myself in a sense, and seeing human beings I've never seen before for 3 hours was a reminder to get outside of myself. To see how I act when people don't know how I act. Whenever we enter into something new, we have this opportunity to almost be whoever we want. I think it's a lot harder to change ourselves than we would like though. I know there are things about me that will inherently be who I am and what I do. And yepp... those things may be... "predictable" but... I also think those are the things I want to be known for.
I tend to get lost in myself at school. I tend to get comfortable. I stick with what I know. I let people read me... and I try to fall into what I think they expect from me; instead of giving them what I want them to know me as. Does that make sense?
My family is a great example. They've always known me as this quiet little turtle. That's what they expect from me... and when I say something and speak up, they're surprised and think it's out of character for me. Sometimes the quiet turtle works out to my advantage... but honestly I can't sit here and complain about how people put stereotypes on people and ask them to do the changing. If I want to be known for something, then I have to work to be known for it. I have to give people a reason to rethink what they have thought.
Anyway. Getting out of Greenville today helped me re-evaluate and gave me time to be with me. Even though I'm basically rooming by myself this semester, I never have time to quiet my mind, I'm always thinking about this, that and the other and things I need to get done and what's next in my week and my day and my life.

Skinny

I'm pissed.
I'm pissed that I put my self-worth in how skinny or not skinny I am.
I look in a mirror and when I see these rolls... I don't think I'm good enough.
After losing weight... and gaining some of it back... I think... I'm losing my beauty.
And. that is so messed up.

I see pictures online that tell me, if I'm not working out, if I'm not running. Than I must be lazy, I must not care about my health, I must not be determined enough.
What I see in those pictures and what I see in some people... is that unless I have a flat stomach, I will not be desirable. I will not be anything. That I don't have a place in this world. That I'm not beautiful. That if I don't literally work my ass off... I will be alone.

And when I do work out... I think people must think I am a poser. That it's some sort of joke. I think if I walk instead of run on the treadmill... people are going to think that I can't do it, that I'm not trying hard enough.

I'm pissed that I think this way. I'm pissed that our society has made numerous people think this way. I want so much to be okay with who I am... with whatever number is on the scale, at any given time.