Skinny

I'm pissed.
I'm pissed that I put my self-worth in how skinny or not skinny I am.
I look in a mirror and when I see these rolls... I don't think I'm good enough.
After losing weight... and gaining some of it back... I think... I'm losing my beauty.
And. that is so messed up.

I see pictures online that tell me, if I'm not working out, if I'm not running. Than I must be lazy, I must not care about my health, I must not be determined enough.
What I see in those pictures and what I see in some people... is that unless I have a flat stomach, I will not be desirable. I will not be anything. That I don't have a place in this world. That I'm not beautiful. That if I don't literally work my ass off... I will be alone.

And when I do work out... I think people must think I am a poser. That it's some sort of joke. I think if I walk instead of run on the treadmill... people are going to think that I can't do it, that I'm not trying hard enough.

I'm pissed that I think this way. I'm pissed that our society has made numerous people think this way. I want so much to be okay with who I am... with whatever number is on the scale, at any given time.