Adrenaline Rush

A bad one. Not a good one, not the kind that helps you do good in races, or become the hulk to save a child trapped under a bulldozer. The kind where you experience so many emotions at once... that I like to label as multiple emotion-analysis [which is more or less an inside joke, and me being hyper]. The kind that gives you a nervous break-down.

I hate it. Absolutely hate the feelings.

That’s how I began this post... then as I wrapped up the meaning of the title, I realized that was not what this post was suppose to be about so I deleted the ending kept the middle which is as follows:

A friend came to me the other day, in tears, and my heart broke for them, absolutely broke; but not only for them, for so many people... even for myself. It’s amazing what the Holy Spirit does inside of us. My whole self understood in that moment, where I was on my hands and knees praying for this friend, what it means to love like He has loved us. What it really meant to have you're heart break for what breaks His. [To see His beloved children in suffering... it hurts] It’s something I have been trying to instill in my life for quite some time.

It’s funny, I actually had a conversation with God during worship one day at church about this. I summarize that conversation like this, but not word for word because I feel like it is too personal... “God, why would you do this for me, why would you send you’re beloved son to die for me?” and God said “Because I love you, and I want to be with you forever.” And I said “Okay God... but what am I suppose to do in the meantime? You did something so great for me, how can I repay this debt... I don’t know what to do from here.” “Love, I want you to love as much as you can, I want you to live in the moment and put all you’re energy into that moment. Loving others is loving Me.”

This was my final prayer that night of praying and crying for my friend. Which... reads as a poem... I do that at times... go figure.

“Live through me Lord, live through me and never ever let my light go out.

Stay with me Lord, stay with me and remind me constantly how to love.

Love me Lord, like you always have... and never will ever stop.

Take me Lord, take my entire life and let it glorify You.

Rebirth me, Transform me, Break me.

Make me more like You.”

An adrenaline rush of God’s love perhaps? Perhaps that is what this post was suppose to be about. When I was writing about the betrayal I felt tonight and the adrenaline that rushed all around me, I knew what I was writing was wrong in the sense that... I was making this about myself once again, and this isn’t about me, it’s about God and what He’s doing in me.

God is a God of second chances.