Freedom

We sing this song in Vespers all the time... about freedom.

Freedom.

Jesus died on a cross for my freedom.

Free to dance, Free to sing, Free to live without fear.

Jesus died on a cross to set the captives free...

I AM FREE.

I love that... I love Him for loving me that much...

I am free to live my life for Him without shame and I asked for a key necklace from my mom this Christmas as a symbol of that freedom, so that I won't forget. So that I won't live in fear.

"No more shackles, no more chains, no more bondage, I am free."

Hallelujah!

Fear

Can you give me something new?

A freshness, a understanding, a sense of clarity.

I need something new.

Can you leave the old so simply behind?

The broken, the shamed, the tattered and torn.

The old, is loved and cherished. Used.

They say one is silver and the other, gold.

Faithful. Desire.

It’s a pitiful hole.

It bubbles, it spews...

It’s sabotage.

Too good to be true.

Too wrong to be right.

Too afraid to really feel or too afraid to be herself.

That’s me. Right there, you see.

Fear, it trickles down like water on a leaf.

Too afraid. Too unbrave.

Never, ever good enough. Tries so hard, it ain’t enough.

Never, ever good enough.

Never will. Never was.

Keep trying, keep running, keep singing, keep loving...

Keep being everything you think you can to earn somebody’s love.

It’ll never be enough.

It’s never enough.

Fear. That’s me, inside me. It lives and breathes.

Newness. Freshness. Clarity.

Find me. Give me. Love me. Save me.

Make me.

Show me the old and break me.

Show me the new and heal me.

Quickly, before the fear revives me.

chelsea.tea.

Here's my heart Lord...

Once upon a time...

I felt really, really hurt by people I cared about.

So much was going on in my life that I didn't want my heart anymore.

It hurt too much.

This is what I wrote at that time:

It’s come to a point where I’ve decided to just rip it out and hand it over to God. I just don’t want to be emotionally connected to anyone... Not until it is completely repaired, and I have come a better person and have come to more of a conclusion of who I am.

I'm not that person anymore... God changed me so much after that.

But... I still get hurt, and I will continue to get hurt. That's what happens when you love.

I think I had the right idea. Giving God my heart. I don't want it... I can't handle heartbreak and I don't really think God originally made our hearts for this. He deserves my heart.

I have a lot of issues to work through, everyday...

God's blessed me greatly, I have great people in my life that have walked through a lot of my issues with me and continue to. But they're not perfect, just like me, and I'm still let down and hurt by them at times. People hurt people.

I wish I could carry some of those people with me forever, and never lose them, but I can't and the only one who's going to carry and keep me... is God. So, here's a public declaration- I'm gonna try being dependent on Him, not people, not my best friends.

Besides... my heart is His.

Week of Prayer

I need to spend an "intense" week in prayer.

Basically, I just want to spend time writing to God. Love letters, prayers for family and friends, spend time in worship.

If you have prayer requests, please, please send them my way, I would love to pray for you.

God is always speaking to me... wether it is through friends or through music. I particularly love it when a random song comes into my head and that song... is exactly what I needed.

I may post my prayers from this week, not sure. We'll see what happens, but I will tell you the benefits of this week, because I know there will be. He is good.

Explore

I went to a synagogue last night for my world religions class, my professor wants us to visit two places outside of our own religion.

I really enjoy going to the synagogue. It was my second time (different places).

This time, it was more independently, and I didn’t rely on other people to ask questions. I feel like I was more assertive because I wanted to take it all in and I wanted to be prepared to ask questions.

After the service, a woman talked to me and my two friends, and answered any questions we had. It was interesting.

I feel like she gave responses to some of our questions that were on cue with how a Christian would respond as well. Sometimes I felt like she pitied us in our “misled” beliefs.

She really knew what she was talking about though. Made me realize how I need to get a better handle on what I believe. Of course, she was older and she had probably been answering questions like that for years... but that doesn’t justify knowing (or perhaps nto knowing) my own beliefs.

She encouraged us all to keep “exploring.” Which I thought was neat, she said she learned a lot about our country after she lived in Switzerland for 2 years. She made me realize that all of my life experiences, especially the ones where I’m stepping out trying new things, exploring new places is where I learn the most, where I change the most. Without all those experiences... Mississippi, The Wilds, Christian school, Bacon, Nicaragua, Musicon, Greenville, Honduras, Nyack... I just wouldn’t be where I am.

Chess

Problem:

I’m extremely selfish and self-centered.

Why Jesus cared to die for me, I don’t know.

Problem:

I’ve been thinking that this was all me. The decision of coming back to Greenville was all my doing.

Wrong. I’ve been asking myself the wrong question- Did I make the right decision? If I was giving all of the credit to God, I would have been asking this question- What purpose does God have for me back at Greenville? It’s not like I threw Him for a loop- “Surprise God!”

Acts 17:26

“From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.”

All I’m trying to say I suppose is that, I need to stop thinking about my chess moves, and think of God’s chess moves. He’s way bigger than this, His glory will be revealed, and I will not stand in His way.

Worthily Worthless

Sometimes, God drives me up a wall. In a good way. I know... that's usually a negative statement. He's just crazy... He knows exactly what I need... and He uses other people, when I don't even realize it, or even when I do, and they play this magnificent part in His magnificent design.

I struggled so much this week... and honestly, I still am with self-worth. God talked to me all week about it too.

I know the details, I know the facts... but knowing and believing these things are different, and I thought... I really thought I believed this... I did, but I let lies seep in my mind, and I choose to believe those things, because apparently they are so much more easier to believe.

I think I'm pretty good... I think that I've got it all figured out, more or less. I feel like... I don't stray off the path, I don't "really" sin. I've been thinking in this mindset for a while. It's like I forgot what God did for me, what Jesus did for me, because I AM SO FILTHY, I AM A DIRTY RAG.

I am worthless.... but I'm worthy because God does love me.

I know this, but all of these outside, I don't know if this is the right word, distractions, sorta screw that up for me. People... a lot of times, make me feel like I'm not worth their time.

But again... I say, I am worthless, but in God's sight I am worthy.

And God wants me. I am always wanted by God.

I just have to remind myself of this...

go copy and paste this into your browser: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C2o0jHNRuU

He Cares

1 Peter 5:7

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

Psalm 55:22

"Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall."

God,

I am so worried about my body. Especially these days. My body hurts...

I don't want to worry, I know that this is in your control... but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I don't know.

I'm trying so hard to take care of myself. And honestly... I'm not sure that's something I can do on my own; or even if I'm suppose to.

God... my body is a temple. I want it to honor You.

Worries, are not honoring. Lord, help me believe that you will take care of me, that you will take care of my body, my heart, my lungs, my bones, my bruises.

God... this is what little faith I have, take it and carry me. Bless the people who will take care of me and look after me in my life. Bless their hands, their minds, their hearts.

Love/Hate

I know I shouldn't. But I really need to.... I feel deserted.

I feel like no one in my life is honest with me... and it hurts a lot.

I try to live my life as honestly as I can, and call me out if I'm not.

I'm sick of all the drama that comes along with technology.

It's stupid and... it just doesn't need to happen.

I believe people are always, always changing.

It doesn't matter how well you know anyone; God brings us through different stages in our life and we change; it's inevitable. It's not a bad thing.

I'm starting to believe all I can trust is myself, myself and God.

I love Greenville... but there's this constant spiritual high that goes on. It makes me slack off in my personal relationship with God... it makes me think that it's okay. It's not. If I don't spend personal time with my Savior, it makes me less authentic.

I miss home. A lot- especially during this season, and ever since I started college, I miss apple-picking with my mom. I would really love to go to the Big-E- the last time I went was with one of my best friends at the time, my senior year of highschool- I said I was going to keep in touch with her... I haven't done a very good job. I would love to go to pumpkintown with a group of friends and be as silly as possible. I miss cornmazes on youth group events.

Right now college is a love/hate relationship.

A Love Letter

I needed a reminder.

Chelsea,

I want more for us.

I want you to want me.

I want you to spend time with me.

I love you Chelsea, and you are good.

Look around you, those mountains, I created those, that amazing blue sky, I chose that color, just like I chose the color of your hair, and the color of your eyes. I chose you. And believe Me, I would choose you again, I will choose you over all those things you find beautiful.

Let me protect you, let me be your defender, let me be your comfort, let me be your desire. I want to be everything for you. I will be everything for you.

Chelsea, I love you more than you will ever understand. I have so much planned for you.

Just come to me, find shelter and strength in Me.

Seek me and you will find Me.

Your King- Abba.

Back to Greenville

So... I've been back at Greenville for over two weeks now.

It's been intense and wonderful all at the same time.

I knew instantly when I got here that... this was right. This is home right now.

I miss my parents, a lot. But, I can now recognize that and it's okay.

I declared my major today. I'm so excited about it. I'm excited about whatever God has in store for my future, good and bad, because I know He's going to be right by my side the entire time! I can take so much peace in that. So much happiness as well.

God is so good.

But, I'm just so pleased with my major, just the thought of it, the classes I'm taking... I'm so excited about them!

My roommate is pretty great. I don't know her very well yet, but she's amazing. She's in one of the Vesper bands, and she's also the RA of the floor. But, you can just see her heart for God, and I just think she's a beautiful person. She also likes ducks.... so... I just really feel like everything worked out so smoothly on transferring back. All my credits from Nyack transferred, which was much more than I expected!

What else.... well, this is a new thought, I really want to graduate on time... but I think it's going to be pretty tight, and I'd rather enjoy the ride than be stressed about it all the time, so I may pick up another major. Something God has been teaching me, is that I just can't make all these plans for my future.

We talked about the future in one of my classes, it's a philosophy/religion class and my professor was like "Does the future really exist? Does the past?" I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around this talk... it blew my mind.

All that to say, that maybe I should just cool it with the finish in two-years plan.

It's all going to be over before I know it anyways.

So. Picture explanation.

This is where the beginning of the end started for me last year...

This is a band called Fundamental Elements, they are really amazing. http://www.myspace.com/fundamentalsmusic

They played last year as well, at the same event- Back to School Bash. The night before classes, it's just a really nice community thing.

Sometimes... it feels pretty surreal to be back. But, like I said, I know it's right.

Thank You

One thing I know: nothing can be healed without God.

I do hurt. I don’t know where to start in mending such a broken relationship. I am so scared... of trusting someone who hurt me. But, I do want to.

Tonight, I realized that it hurt[s] God as well.

I don’t necessarily know where to begin, but I know that it needs to begin with God. At least for me... I can’t do this without Him; and without Him, I will fail.

God- thank you so much for the friends you have put in my life. I don’t know how to express my gratitude for them. My cup... is overflowing with gratitude.

Thank you for Tinsea, for showing me what a true friend is. For her constant friendship and love for me. For her never ever giving up on me.

Thank you for Emily, again, she has shown me what a true friend is. Thank you for making her exactly the way she is, for her constant encouragement and wisdom.

Thank you for Amy, for her heart and again for her friendship, thank you for her wisdom and her desire to serve You in all she does.

Thank you for Mandi and her heart as well, you have blessed my life with her companionship.

Thank you for Lauren, God, thank you for answering prayer, thank you for our past... which we shared so many good memories and laughs.

Thank you for Amanda [k], for her love for others, and for her tender heart. Thank you for the opportunity to know her and listen and talk to her.

Thank you for Aline, God please use me this year to speak to her, God please don’t let me be afraid to speak Your truth, not just to her, but to my family and other friends as well.

Thank you for all my friends from CTI, thank you for blessing me with so many long-distance relationships, that speak to my heart every time we talk. Thank you for using them, and powerfully moving within their lives.

Thank you for the friends I made at Nyack, Dear Lord, I was so blessed during that time in my life, and I am so sorry for taking them for granted, they are amazing, each and every one of them, and I pray that you feed their thirst and desire to honor You.

Thank you for all of my loved ones, my friends, my family, God, keep them safe. Keep them healthy, and be by their side as they live their lives day to day. Oh Lord, you are wonderful Abba.

Perfect Timing

God’s timing is perfect.

As much as there are certain things in my life right now that seems like there is never a perfect time for... I know this is true, and that God will use everything and anything in His time.

Nyack. Nyack is what I needed. I haven’t really touched base at the basic lessons I have learned from Nyack but now seems like the time.

These are the things I got most out of Nyack:

I learned so much about the relationships I had, with friends, with family, with God.

I put my foot down on a major; one that I’m so excited studying about.

I made amazing friends, people that only knew me for a short while but cared just as much about me as my dearest and closest friends. I will never forget how welcomed they made me feel.

I needed to step out of Greenville for a time. God knew that, and when I look back on everything that happened during the semester, well I don’t regret it, and I’m honestly thankful for it.

God also has a perfect plan as I am back in Greenville.

I was having some difficulty with my decision (again) for the past month. Things began happening that started making me believe that this was God’s way of telling me that Greenville was not apart of His plan... and that I was doing one hell of a job pissing Him off. But... it didn’t make sense... I don’t believe that God punishes like that.

It also didn’t make sense how everything came out so smoothly. All my credits transferred, my roommate... is absolutely amazing, I still don’t know her very well but, I adore her. The classes I needed were all available, and somehow I bypassed the waiting list for a couple of them.

I also knew, once I got back on campus, I would feel at peace about my decision, which I do. I’m still concerned about the things that God has put in my life at this present time, but I know that everything will turn out exactly as He has planned... they’re teaching me more lessons after all.

This Life I'm Given

God... you are so amazing.

I cannot thank you enough for my life.

I cannot thank you enough for the people you have placed in my life.

God. I love you.

I'm so sorry for constantly hurting You.

God... your grace on my life... I don't deserve this amazing, passionate gift.

Thank you... thank you for showing me the only love You can give.

A love that is everlasting and eternal.

God... thank you for my parents, for my parents who would give the world to me. For my parents who frustrate and annoy me, but have raised me into the young woman I am... who have put your truth in my heart as a young girl

Thank you for my desires.

Thank you for instilling your truths in my heart.

Thank you for chasing me. For pursuing a relationship with me.

God... I don't deserve anything that I have been blessed with.

I am selfish and greedy. I am a filthy sinner.

God, you are amazing and I couldn't have this life without you giving it to me.

Without supplying my every breath.

God... thank you...

Thank you for this life I'm given.

I want to give it back to You. Help me Father, help me to pursue You like You have pursued me. I want every thing I do to count for You and Your glorious kingdom.

Friends Forever!

My friend shouted this one night as we got settled into bed. I laughed at the phrase she decided to use and end the night with. Most people say a cheerful goodnight at sleepovers. Apparently... not her, leave it up to E.H to come up with something original.

I recently told my car accident story to another friend and I also told her how much E.H did for me throughout the week. She told me “That’s amazing, that’s a true friend you’ve got there.” I couldn’t agree more. Actually... E.H is one of the truest friends anyone could have. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t like her, she treats everyone with respect and supports everyone, wether she agrees with them or not.

As I started my semester at Nyack, another friend encouraged me by reminding me that this situation would bring out my true friends. That the people who stayed in contact with me, were the ones that genuinely cared about me. This is where I would like to add that I also realized who my true friends at home were... but I need to get into that for another time... a post titled "What Nyack Taught Me."

Another friend of mine (E.D- I hope you don’t mind!) blogged about friendships recently. She talked about bad kind and the good kind.

Her favorite kind :: The 'I'm friends with you, because I enjoy hanging out with you, but we also can have serious conversations' Friend: This friend is someone that should be cherished, because they are hard to find. This person truly cares about you as an individual and lets you know it. This person gets to know you, your likes and dislikes, the good and the bad. This person is someone that you can trust your secrets to and know that they're not going to go tell someone else. This friend is one that will stand by you through thick and thin, the one that you can laugh with and cry with, the one that loves you at your worst and at your best. This friend, is a keeper.

Before I started college, one of my youth leaders whom I was very close to, told me very often how I was going to make such great friends in college. Of course I believed her. She made the whole college experience sound like the most amazing thing ever. I haven’t been disappointed. College has had its ups and downs, but I know when I get done, there’s a lot I will be taking away from it. There's a lot I have gotten out of it already.

Like some forever friends, past and present.

[no current song]

Update: Music

Hey!

So... I updated this blog a bit. Sometimes I write things and songs go well with them. And... instead of quoting the song, I'm going to just add it to the music player, and when you're reading... you can listen to the song! Pretty snazzy right? I think so! =]

Currently I have two songs that go with the last two posts previous to this... in order.

I will be posting another blog though right after I post this one. But I don't have a song for it.

So, I guess I need to work out a system so that you know if the song playing goes along with what I just posted or not...

But, I just wanted to clarify all of this because the current song at this present date [Everything- Tim Hughes] wouldn't fit, and I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea.

Alright. Thanks!

[no current song]--- this works right?

My Prayer

Lord...

Be my strength, when I am weak.

Fill my cup, when I am dry.

Give me peace Lord, when my anxieties and worries multiply.

Be everything to me God, be more than enough for me God...

I am miserable without you. I am lonely without you. I hurt so much God, without you.

I want you Lord. I want to rely on You for everything this life shells out to me.

I don't want sickness to stand in my way, I don't want relationships to stand in my way, I don't want the things of this world to stand in my way.

God.. I want to live each day committed and devoted to you. I want to fall in love with You Lord.

I'm afraid of what that kind of life may mean for me, but I am willing to serve you Lord with my whole heart. You are a patient God, and I ask that you will be patient with me.

Guide me, I will follow.

It Makes me Realize

I have so many thoughts about this past week. It didn’t go as I planned. A car accident got in the way to say the least... and I could have and probably should have lost my life... or had taken someone down with me.... but God had His grace on me and protected me and guided my out of control vehicle in the safest way possible to avoid the least damage (in my opinion) to both myself and my car (which I’m pretty sure I may just get back).

So, technically I should be in Indiana right now... visiting my friend Amy. But life happens, and I’m honestly just thankful to still have mine.

God taught me a lot through this incident... and it made something click within me; especially after this summer, I just haven’t been feeling connected to God like I should. It’s just been a long year, going through a lot of changes and it’s not over yet!

Anyway... that’s just some background. I think what I really want to share is how people reacted. Before I started the road trip, I wondered why I was doing all of this and I felt like I was being selfish. I’m not sure if that makes sense, and I’m not sure I know how to explain it. I wanted to see my friends... I wanted them to want to see me... I wanted to feel loved.

I got that... that’s for sure. But... not in the way I had wanted to, I didn’t want them to fear for my life. I didn’t want to have my parents worry about me so much either.

But everyone was so concerned for me, and that really touched me. But it made me realize how important it is to tell people how much they mean to you when they still are in your life.

It made me realize... how much my own life means.

It makes me realize how important relationships are.

It makes me realize how badly I want to honor God with my life, because I know the only reason why I am here is because of Him.

It makes me realize that... God has such a distinct plan for my life.

It made me realize just how meaningless everything else is.

It’s all about us. God cares about us, not the materialistic crap we set our eyes on. It’s about loving people in the name of Jesus. It’s bringing people into the realization of a loving relationship with Him.

It’s leaving a mark on people’s lives.

“A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar

They're worth so much more after I’m a goner

And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’

Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’”

The Band Perry- If I Die Young

Well...

I used to write in this more casually...

Oh well.

I did something today that I really, really like! But... I want to keep it a secret for the time being... Don't I make some of you oh so curious?? Ha!

Sorry... everyone will know in the next two weeks, give or take.

I can't even post a picture yet!

I hate keeping secrets.

Yeah... I think that is more or less correct. Not to say I can't keep them, I can. I would never betray someone's trust knowingly.

I'm leaving Friday to head up to my friend's wedding. I'm pretty excited. I haven't seen all of the people I'm about to see since January or December. I'm excited to see my best friends from Greenville and see my friends tie the knot! I'm just plain excited. It's gonna be next Monday so soon.... and then... it'll be August 6 before I know it... and then... I'll be headed to school before I know it... and SUMMER IS OVER.

Ugh! That's what it feels like... I'm still not looking forward to school... I would like to just live in my parents basement forever... and cook and clean for them... yeah.... and work on my music. Yeah.... right....

That's not true either though, at this point I just want to graduate even though I feel like I just finished high school and college is gonna be over before I know it... and as much as I want to move on with my life, I know I'm gonna miss it. There's a lot of stuff I want to do after I graduate, that I just can't do right now.

But... I know God's got it covered. See... Jeremiah 29:11 has been imprinted in my life this past year. If you don't know it... go memorize it right now, it's important! I remember the first time I was encouraged with this verse- my friend from El Salvador shared it with me, bless his heart! He's been a really good friend to me since we've met, he encourages me quite a bit actually through out our correspondence. But anyway... I'm writing all this to remind myself in the future to look back on this past school year and remember that God is in control of it all.

God's really good... and He orchestrates things, a lot of things that we don't understand when we are in the midst of it, but it is always for our good.

Check out Kickball a Rob Bell/ Nooma video. This story Rob Bell tells about his son is an incredible analogy of how God is always looking out for our best interests.

I was shown this video first in 2005 with Musicon Ministries, and it held a very special place in my heart. In a month, God had again shown me this video to speak to me, not once but twice.

Loving a Person

"Loving a person just the way they are is no small thing..." Sara Groves.

I encourage you to look up this song in whole either by listening or reading the lyrics or both.

But this came on today as I picked up my parents from the airport and rolled my eyes in frustration towards them... made me bite my tongue.

And even right now... I'm frustrated with a few things.

I tried to do a "vlog" about it... but I just didn't care too much for it when all was said and done. I wasn't even going to continue posting up a blog at all. But, something in me is telling me to.

My "vlog" (I think that is a dumb word hence the quotations) wasn't even about my parents. It was about me and my stupid school decision... ONCE AGAIN.

I'm fine with my decision... it's the outcome that makes me nervous you know? That chess player in me I guess. I should stop blaming that.

It's not even that... it's people. It's always people! It's about the thoughts that people will have about me. Which shouldn't even matter....

I don't like loving and needing people more then they love or need me... it's such a vulnerable place to be in... it's a scary place to be in. All I want to want and to need is God. I need God. I love God.... and He loves me... but I don't show my love for Him nearly as much as I should... and I try to change and I do... for a day or two... but then I go back to my habits, my awful bad habits for another week before I feel sad and desperate again to spend time with Him.

I've been writing a song... the first line of the chorus goes like this "I know it's not easy to be everything that you don't want to be." When I first came up with that... I didn't even think it made sense, it just sounded good... it just came out of my mouth like so many other things do. But the more and more I digest that line... it means so much.

There are so many things I don't like about myself, that I want to change, some things I need to change because they're not God honoring. Some things... because other people don't like them.

To change these things... is so hard... I suppose it gets easier in time, sometimes.

And I keep finding myself so grateful that God knows about these things and chooses to look past them and love us in spite of them. Loving a person, just the way they are.

Another song from Sara Groves has the lyrics "I love because you loved me when I had nothing." Another reason why I am grateful... I have absolutely nothing to give Him in return (except my life) and He takes me... He takes me, with all of my imperfections...

Indecision

Remember how I wanted to talk about this topic?

Well... I can’t sleep, so I figured now was a good time to do this.

It doesn’t make me feel good about my decision though.

But... my decision, didn’t really have a right or wrong answer... and like I said as long as I’m honoring God with the little things... I’m golden.

Anyway... I’m not sure where to start.

When I first started studying this, I thought-- oh okay, indecisiveness isn’t a sin. But, the more I looked at it, it is. James 1:5-8 tells us to not be unwavering, to be steadfast and not double-minded. I guess some people say that this is talking more about “You can’t serve two masters, you will either hate the one and love the other.”

But it just doesn’t matter... indecisiveness draws you away from God, because instead of nurturing your gifts and growing in God... you put all of your focus on this decision you have to make. And... it sucks!

I don’t feel nearly as close to God as I did 6 months ago. In fact... a lot of the time I don’t feel like I know Him at all. I really let my relationship with God suffer this semester, and I’m not pleased with myself for it.

I like this definition of indecisiveness: “Indecisiveness is the inability to take a reasonable risk, to make a decision in a timely manner with limited information.”

Like I said in my last post... I really like to weigh out all my options. Make sure that the next move I make isn’t going to screw anything up... but anything can happen anywhere. I can’t expect anything... I need to stop expecting things... and just let life be.

And... I’m uncomfortable with my decision because I wonder if my heart isn’t in the right place. I believe it is in the right place... but I also know I’m not that selfless, and there are selfish motives behind my decision. I just don’t believe it to be at the core of my decision though.

I will leave you with two verses that I am finding to be very encouraging tonight:

-Isaiah 51:7

“Listen to me, you who know right from wrong, you who cherish my law in your hearts. Do not be afraid of people’s scorn, nor fear their insults.”

-Galatians 5:22-23

“When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law.”

The Small Things

So, God has continued to speak to me about peace- I guess you could say, this entire month, God has been putting that in my head.

Finally figured out why.

I wonder what the Bible says about indecisiveness. It’s probably a sin... I should study the subject and get back to you!

Anyway. God sat me down during church this last Sunday. Totally convinced that I was going to be convicted to go to one school and that God was just gonna make it crystal-clear during the sermon.

Instead, God instructed me to pray and make a decision before I left that church.

I had been going back and forth... probably all semester. I didn’t realize how much stress that created for myself- until I made a decision and until I called this decision my own.

See... I was getting so caught up in making the wrong decision. That if I chose the wrong place... I would ruin my entire future. I’ve always made decisions like a chess player.... when I was little, I used to be awesome at chess, then my dad stopped playing with me and I forgot how to play.

But, what I realized and came to conclude is that.... “All the small things that we do, make up the big things in this life. So, if all my small things are honoring to God, then so will the big things.”

So, what I’m trying to say, it doesn’t matter where I go, as long as what I do in the process is honoring to God.

I’ll explain more about my decision when the time comes, but I just wanted to share this.

I also wanted to share how freeing it feels.... I didn’t even realize the burden I was carrying with this decision, but once I committed to one... I’ve felt more sane, more myself ever since- being home has helped too.

Bloggers

Goodness Gracious!

Has anyone else noticed how popular blogging has gotten all of a sudden/// again, I mean, I'm pretty sure it was really popular back when internet was just becoming popular.

Okay, maybe not that long ago... but, let's just go with 2005.

Anyway. I started my blog when I started college, because I wanted to document my college journey through it. Then I kind of got immature and missused it... kind of like what I did with this one a few months ago.... [joke, kind of, sort of... let's just laugh about it...]

But... I was so embarrassed by my immaturity that I just blocked it from the world- I didn't delete mind you, I personally can still read my freshman experiences, but you cannot!

But, I'm just impressed with how well other people write and I've realized... I need to pick up my game. Of course, I like keeping it a simple subject, easy to follow thing. Besides... my mind moves and thinks so much.... that you probably wouldn't be able to keep up with my brain's comprehensiveness.

See.... I'm not even sure if I made sense just there... I mean, it made sense to me, I'm just not too sure about you.

And... now that I've gotten on so many tangents, I forgot why I was writing this in the first place....

Oh. yes. So many others have been blogging, and I love it. Especially when they are my Christian friends talking about what God is teaching them. It's beautiful to learn from that kind of community. For me, it makes the Christian faith come alive.

So... fellow Christian bloggers, I encourage you to continue writing and processing your thoughts out loud, because you don't know who is reading, and when you're open and honest with what God is teaching you, and what your flaws are... you make Christianity tangible.

And, I also believe, it makes you more authentic. Thank you.

Brotherly Love

Last week at church we went over Romans 12: 9-21.

My pastor said that these verses tell us how to love.

Some of these instructions are easier then others.

But, particularly verse 10 says to “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love....”
My pastor talked about what brotherly love is. For some reason I never really thought about what this means before. I thought brotherly love was just the love all us Christians just share together; and yes, that is partially true.

But brotherly love is family love. It’s letting arguments go, it’s letting the water go under the bridge, because when it comes down to it; whatever they’ve done doesn’t matter, because they are your family.

Thankfully, God has blessed me with good Christian friends that I honestly do consider my family, more then they probably realize. People that I have experienced true brotherly love with, we’ve had to put our water under the bridge... and when it was all said and done, we were all blessed because of it.

Another thing that sticks out to me, that I would like to share from this sermon is about making peace.

I’ve wondered this for a while, I don’t know if I shared these thoughts before- But if God is on our side, and He will avenge our enemies... how does that work when we are enemies with our brother and sisters in Christ?

Well, I realized that as brothers and sisters in Christ, we’re suppose to be at peace with each other, we’re commanded to love and live differently from the world. How can God be for one of His children and not for the other? How can we be examples to this world if we can’t put away our differences to love another sibling in Christ?

God’s really been speaking to me about peace lately. I’m afraid that I’m not at peace with one of my siblings in Christ, and yes of course, some of you know exactly who I’m talking about- and I’m not trashing this person, not in the least bit. I still care about this person- and if I knew how to bring peace towards our broken relationship I would.

“You can’t make peace, because that takes two people, but one person can bring peace.”

Dear Old Friend, in case you ever read this- I want to bring peace into our non-existent relationship, I’m not asking for friendship. Just peace. I also never had the chance to tell you that I forgave you... you are forgiven.

Positivity, Positivity, Positivity!

So, my friend called me out today. I complained about something.... that a lot of people would just be grateful to have.

I told her that she was absolutely right. I can't call myself a Christian and be ungrateful about the wonderful things God has given me. I also believe that living in America is just another strike against me as far as complaining goes.

I'll be honest... I know I do it more then I even realize, but it's not something I'm proud of. It's a habit that I need and want to break.

Psalm 37:4 says- Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.

and Philippians 2:14-15 says- Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation...

That verse in Philippians gets me- don't complain, because if you do, you can be called out in your faults. This verse just makes a lot of sense to me.

I don't want to be a negative nancy, I want to be a positive petunia!

Negative Nancy's, they find a fault in everything, they find something to gripe about in everything, they don't know how to be happy. Negative Nancy's are miserable people that push people away, purposely or not.

Positive Petunia's, they find the silver lining to every cloud, they will not let some rude comment destruct them, they will spin it into something positive, because they know anything negative is just a lie. Positive Petunia's are happy people, that people like to be around, because their positivity lifts their spirits.

So, basically me and my friend made a pact, to call each other out whenever the other is complaining. We will not become Negative Nancys. No way.

Positivity! Positivity! Positivity! That is our theme.

Perfect

God- Remind me, that I cannot be perfect. Remind me that it's alright for me not to be.

I can emulate you as best I can in this life... but I cannot become You.

Ephesians 4:22-24

You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Whenever I'm not perfect at something, and whenever I royally screw-up and royally need a kick in the butt. I rip myself up about it. Honestly... I can't let it go until it's fixed either.

And... honestly, I need to remind myself... that it's okay. It's okay to mess up, it's okay to disappoint people. Because it's going to happen, wether I want to or not. I can't make everyone happy- I can try- but I have to be happy myself. As much as I try to put others before myself... I know that in the long run, I can't serve God properly until my needs are met too.

Beautiful Mountains

Last summer I spent over a month in Honduras. Which is a beautiful country, along with the countries surrounding it. It's very mountainous and green, I remember during one of the van rides, we were driving right in between all of them, you could even see banana plantations on the hillsides of some. But, I was so taken away with the beauty of it, and I just thought why didn't God make those the focal of His creation. I was honored that God would choose me, us... because we all know how imperfect we all are. I just thought that those mountains would know better, and they were more worthy.

Until tonight, I think I understood a little bit more why God choose us versus the mountains. Of course... there's a ton of reasons, but humor me and let's just focus on this one thing.

I took this from a devotional e-mail I subscribe to:: "God also gains pleasure in watching you enjoy his creation. He gave you eyes to enjoy beauty, ears to enjoy sounds and music, your nose and taste buds to enjoy smells and tastes, and the nerves under your skin to enjoy touch. Every act of enjoyment becomes an act of worship when you thank God for it. In fact, the Bible says, "God generously gives us everything for our enjoyment" (1 Timothy 6:17 TEV)."

God enjoys watching us enjoy His creation! That's why God chose us. How enjoyable would it be for the mountains for people to walk all over them? To slap pavement on their backs? And... even though our faith can move mountains.... those mountains aren't going anywhere, those mountains will never be able to enjoy what the rest of God offers us.

So, maybe it's slightly foolish of me to be focusing so much on this. But, it makes me smile. I love those mountains, they are gorgeous... and even still it takes my breath away to think that God would rather choose us, with all our imperfections.

Unsent

So, I recently wrote a letter... that I’m not going to send. It was for me to write and for me to let go of a lot of things I had been holding on to this semester.

I’m usually not one to write unsent letters... but when I was writing this one, I really thought I was going to, but I’ve been doing just fine keeping it to myself. There are questions in it that I asked, but I don’t need the answers.

All I needed was peace.

That is all I needed, all along... peace; and I was so against it this whole time.

Why, oh why can’t I just learn to trust God.

I love how the end of a semester makes you re-evaluate... life.

I’m not proud of my semester... there was a lot I could have done better. But, I think considering the circumstances, I did well. My relationship with God suffered, but we’re getting back on track and that’s what is important.

Even through all the lows I had... God still used me, which amazes me- Never doubt what God can do with your life.

And even through my distance in my relationship with God, I still learned a lot about my beliefs, and faith and God in my classes, which I really enjoyed.

I think though that the lessons that sums it up is that God knows what He’s doing, even when we don’t. Which is cool, because I know that that’s what God taught my friends at Greenville too; which is awesome, because through our community even with distance... we can still learn from each other and grow together! Those are one good friends and two a good community.

-the picture is not a letter, but a Christmas card I just received this week, to be honest- I enjoy Christmas cards in May... especially from my best friend =] but I felt like it fit with being unsent letters, because we both assumed it was lost in the mail, forever... nope just in my house!