Consolation Prize

This... is how I have felt, my whole life.
I'm not good enough to be first choice.
I see it from my childhood.
I see it in the relationships I have today.
It burdens me.
It hurts me.
It defines me.

It even warps who I really am. It warps how I see myself.
It destroys me.
Because I am overcome by negative emotions.

It disgusts me... because this... this is how I often treat God.

The things we often hate in others, is what we hate about ourselves.

I hate this feeling of loneliness, yet knowing... no one can console me, except my sweet Jesus. I need to cling to Him, so badly in times like these. But... I think I'm afraid, honestly. If I get to close to Jesus, He's not gonna want me either.
And even still... I know... I'm a smart girl... these are the lies I am buying into.

Bought.
I was bought... because God believes in me.
God doesn't buy consolation prizes... no, no, He buys the real thing.
Bought. thank you God.