Could

My mind is unsettled, for all the things I did not do today.
The squandered opportunities.
The chances I could have taken to make a difference.
The work that could have been accomplished.

I can't go back and change what I did and did not do.
I can only look forward and move ahead.
Yet, here I am... twidling my thumbs, hoping that if I worry about it enough... something will change.
It will not. It never does.
I've stayed awake countless nights, hoping that somehow, in the morning... it will go away.

Here I am again... staying awake, hoping the world will disappear.
I bring these things upon myself, I know.
I could do so much better with the things I've been given.
So much good could be accomplished.

I could be a better friend. a better daughter. a better granddaughter. a better cousin. a better christian.
I could be thinner. healthier. more studious. more artistic. more outgoing. more fearless.
I could be striving to be perfect.... because I am.... I am striving for perfection. But... I'm not and I will never make it there.
I could stop beating myself up. I could stop trying to do this on my own.
I could start giving it up to Abba, giving Him control.
I could start listening, start seeing, start being.... whatever Abba is calling me.

Today... was a waste. Tomorrow... is a new day. His mercies are new.