Breaks

This last week I was driving from the church we have rehearsals at to the ministry for lunch when an older man of 90 pulled out in front of me, trying to cross 4 lanes of traffic. I had just turned onto the road, and slammed on my brakes as soon as I saw him. Unfortunately, I was unable to stop in time and just grazed the back of his SUV; I drive a Toyota Camry and so, of course, my car had more damage done to it. I had two other passengers in the car with me and there were other people from CTI that were behind me in traffic that witnessed the accident. 

I was pretty upset about the accident, the man didn't even remember what happened. Luckily, the people I was with supported me and handled a lot of the logistics for me on the scene. My roommate stopped and prayed with the man and for the situation... I forgot about God in that moment... and I was so thankful for her speaking up and taking the courage to do that. My heart was softened. 

I felt very defeated that day. It felt like, I couldn't get a break. I've been in a number of accidents and to say the least... I'm probably really close to getting my liscense taken away. I'm really not an awful driver... I just have the worst luck. In those moments, I felt everything falling apart and I felt lost, I felt attacked for being in ministry. 

Things have turned into my favor. At first I struggled, because I wanted things done my way and in my time frame. But, there's a much bigger picture at hand and I need to work with those around me and their schedule. When I took that into account and understanding, I could breathe a little easier. Then, I was given time to get everything done. The man's insurance is paying for the damage and will be fixing it over tour. Originally, I was told not to expect to get it fixed until after October. But, everything has come together and I can begin tour with much less stress and more ministry minded. 

Praise be to God.

Renewed

Today was a rough one. I was in a irritable mood to begin with, everything everyone did and say I just wanted to sucker-punch them. I refrained... after all I just met these people.
But, my frustrations didn't go away when I had trouble with finding my harmonys to some of the songs.
I ended up acting like a real brat. Hopefully not to my team mates, but I was really upset with myself... I hate feeling like people are waiting on me to get something right. I hate using rehearsal time for vocal parts; it's about the whole band.
My team, and the girls on the other team were really great though and they tried making me feel better and they tried giving me hugs. But, I just wasn't having it. We ended up having some free time before dinner and I was able to take a short little nap, which really improved my mood.
On my drive back to my host home, I was reminded of what we've been discussing in seminars and teams times about personal devotions and time with God. How we will really need to be dependent on that to fill us back up, because sometimes that is the only thing that we are going to have to be renewed and rejuvenated.
So, I prayed and before I came home I found a parking lot to sit in and go over my songs.
Tomorrow is another day, and even today I was reminded that His mercies are new every morning.
Thank you, Jesus.

The Pre-Game

Before I head to CTI, I have things that need to get done.
One of these things is fundraising. Luckily, I did some of this at school by sending out letters.
Fundraising is an experience in itself, nothing I imagined it to be.
When I went to Honduras.... I needed to raise 4,000. My church paid for half of that. I didn't even raise 1,000 of that money. I'm not sure what that says about what I was doing, but that trip changed my life and set the rest of my journey as I know it, into motion. That trip is what inspired this blog. My life is not my own, it has been given to me by my Savior and on that trip is where I found His arms of grace opened up to me and to hold me.
This has been my funraising experience so far: Before I even officially accepted my position with CTI, I had a friend that told me she would be supporting me, which blew me away. I didn't expect my friends... who are just like me, broke college students to help me out.
How humbling this has been.
Giving money is not something I was taught. My dad is all about saving and making sure nobody is screwing him over... everyone is a theif in his eyes. My mom... she actually loves showering gifts on people. And, they always gave on Sunday. But, I was never instructed to give to the church and to tithe. But, this is changing. I'm prepared to use my savings for what I don't raise, will this make my life more difficult... yes, possibly, but I think it's worth it.
People have been so generous, and they don't think twice about it. One of my friends from my Honduras trip gave me just enough to make my goal for when I begin in August. CTI requires 20%. I never expected our phone call to go like that... in one moment. She told me that people aren't really giving to me, they're giving this money to God and honestly... this money is God's anyway. In my fundraising packet, CTI even says this too, the funds have already been raised (Joshua 1:1-9).

I have just raised 20% of my funds. This is a benchmark. Granted, I have 80% still to go. That's about 10,000, and let me tell you, this number scares me. But, God has used so many people through that 20% and I am learning to trust in Him. I am asking people to pray and these people are fervent prayers, and their faith in God and in me is so encouraging.
My next step(s) is to host a fundraiser, a tag sale, and a bake sale. I began asking businesses in town if they would support me, I received some quick "no's" but I also talked with a woman who was very enthusiastic and I was able to leave my support letters with several businesses. So, this is what I would ask you to be prayerful about, that these businesses would be open to what I'm about to do and would be willing to support me. I also could use prayers as I talk to them, I get nervous and talk too fast and babble like a brook.
Thank you and blessings to you,
cee.tea.

Let me try this again...

So, I stopped blogging.
I lost hope.
I gave up.
I'm not really sure what happened...
I had a conflict in my life, a decision, which is what brings me back here. I will be blogging again. I sort of have to, but it probably will be good for me. It will bring to light the greatness of Jesus and what He is constantly doing... working and moving; not only in my life, but the lives of those around me.

So, what happened?
Well.... a lot of things happened... and usually, I live my life as openly as possible, but today I can't bring myself to do that. The basics... I struggled, I persevered, I turned 22, I laughed, I cried, I was angry and felt rejected, I ignored God, I avoided thinking about life, I lay in bed for hours on end and finally, I graduated college...

So, this is what is happening.
I'm going into full-time ministry next year. Actually. This August. I'm going to be a vocalist for CTI music ministries (http://ctimusic.org/) (go support me..... I would really appreciate it!).  I'm going to be stretched and refined a thousand ways possible. I need so much prayer; for funding, for strength and peace of body, mind and soul.
So, this blog, here's your go-to to hear about it all.
Peace and Blessings,
cee.tea.

Fear

Fear.
It is stifling.
It grows in our souls, and it chokes the life out of us.
I often surrender to it's control.
Fear itself, frightens me.
Brings me to tears, frequently.
The thought of it alone...
My mind goes back to the past and past events.
Fear.
It can destroy someone.
Need to learn to overcome.
To not let your emotions run you thin.
To count on the One, who can overcome.

New Year, New Attitude

Today, I had the opportunity to talk to a homeless man.
I went to the grocery store for my mom, and was surprised to see a man holding a sign that said he was homeless and that he would work for food, at the corner of the light, specifically... in my town.
I brought the groceries home, and decided that I needed to go to Mcdonalds and bring him a burger.
I wasn't really sure what I was doing, but my heart was tugged at and for once in my life, I didn't ignore it. Me and Fred ended up talking about theology. Funny how that works out. He said he was a Jehovah Witness and he talked away about his beliefs. I didn't bring Jesus up. I asked him how and why he got to where he was in life and Fred just talked away.
I really didn't know what to expect and I don't really know how much I did. I think he was grateful to talk to someone, he was an old man and I know a burger isn't much...

I just think... I need to be more willing and able to step out and step up to do things like that. To try and have an impact... but really... God is doing the impacting.
This year... I want to wake up every morning with the wonder and excitement of what God is going to do, how and where the Holy Spirit is going to lead me and experience Jesus in others.

Prayer

Today I learned that one can pray in different forms.
I'm reading Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel, which is basically about calling yourself a Christian but not living like one.
This past year, I have learned how important it is to walk your talk.
But, prayer.
It is not only done in speaking form, or putting down your head and thinking words to God. It can be done through dance and music and writing and painting, in the same way we worship, we can also pray.
As soon as I read that, I wanted to grab my guitar and start praying. Unfortunately, my guitar is waiting for my hands at school. Then, I realized I've prayed to God in that way numerous of times, without even realizing it. Many times when I do play my guitar and try to write songs, I just sit there and play some chords and hope for the best to come out of my mouth... and sometimes I sing a lot of damn and hell.
As I write this blog, I realized too that this is another form of prayer for me.

Prayer is communication with God.
But it is also coming to him, with honesty and where we bare our souls.
So... come to God in whatever form you can come before Him and bare your soul and be honest with Him.

So. Funny.

Jesus. You're such a funny... funny... man.
Always knowing how to get through to me.
I hate it.
I need it....

I've been in a very rough, dark spot the past few days... I'm not usually one to cry, but I've been crying constantly. It starts with self-pity.
It also begins with fear. Fear makes me cry the most.

It's clear to me what my struggles are... I've been in this same spot many times before. And I have to take an honest look at myself, and I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have people to encourage me. I'm lucky to have people that will be honest with me and I'm lucky to have people who will push me.

One of my friends likes to ask me about struggles that I seem to always come back to "Do you think you have learned anything from the last time, do you feel stronger, have you built upon it from last time?"
This time. Yes... I think I'm dealing with it in ways I haven't before. I'm also dealing with other things in a much more mature way than I have before.

I just can't get over this fact. That God made me, and thus He knows the best ways to get through to me. Wether it be lyrics playing in my head, friends who give me encouagement without knowledge of what's going on, friends who are intentional, or themes on repeat. He knows how to get my attention... and He wants it... but I'm too busy giving it away to my idols.
Abba, forgive me.

Julie

There's a young lady that was in my graduating class who passed away a couple days ago. I'm friends with her on facebook, but that's about as far as our relationship went. We had several friends in common... I saw her in school often, but I'm not sure we exchanged more than a hello.
Yet, for whatever reason... my thoughts keep coming back to her and the people she has left behind and the way she has left this world.
It could happen to any of us. So, why Julie?
People are writing on her wall now... with so much unrest. People are so confused. People were so touched by this young lady...
My heart is hurting so much for this community. For the unanswered questions and the unsaid goodbyes.
She was gone in an instant with no forewarning. I should probably stop thinking so much about this... it's not doing any good... I can't imagine what this is doing to my friends who were close to her.

Abba, we need so much peace.

Consolation Prize

This... is how I have felt, my whole life.
I'm not good enough to be first choice.
I see it from my childhood.
I see it in the relationships I have today.
It burdens me.
It hurts me.
It defines me.

It even warps who I really am. It warps how I see myself.
It destroys me.
Because I am overcome by negative emotions.

It disgusts me... because this... this is how I often treat God.

The things we often hate in others, is what we hate about ourselves.

I hate this feeling of loneliness, yet knowing... no one can console me, except my sweet Jesus. I need to cling to Him, so badly in times like these. But... I think I'm afraid, honestly. If I get to close to Jesus, He's not gonna want me either.
And even still... I know... I'm a smart girl... these are the lies I am buying into.

Bought.
I was bought... because God believes in me.
God doesn't buy consolation prizes... no, no, He buys the real thing.
Bought. thank you God.

5

Also. Just noticed. For that past few months all my new posts for the month have been on the 5th.
Huh.
5 is my favorite.

Pause

Things are finally coming to an end. Wow.
Cor is over in 2 days, but I have considered it over with since last Monday.
Although. I do still need to do something for it, but I feel no pressure to get it done by a certain time... just the end of the semester. Maybe this weekend.
I almost had nothing to do this weekend and didn't know what to do with myself.
So... I did start a puzzle. I'm like an old lady, I love them.
Now that things are finally settling down, I have time to do other things. I've been picking up my guitar and playing it again, but my creative fire that I had earlier this semester that made me say "I love music" has gone away and now I am sitting here crying "I hate music"
Music is beautiful, but it can be so frustrating at times.

My problem is balance. I put almost everything I had into academics this semester. It payed off, extremely well... but I just don't really know where my semester went. I kind of shut everything off to deal with academics.
A girl that I worked with this summer asked what I had been learning about God lately... and I struggled to answer her. I've been reading these books... good Christian, life, living books like Crazy Love and now I'm reading The Christian Atheist. I've been reading how to talk the walk in a sense. I've been taking Bible classes where I'm learning to be more analytical of the Bible and questioning things I've never questioned and learning so much and... I love it. But... God?

I'm just continuing to struggle with the same things... and ignoring the things I don't want to deal with. But... I'm gonna have to wake up.
I just pray I continue to seek out God as my best friend. I hope I take enough time out of my day and pause and think about how exactly amazing He is.

Hypocrite Writer

I don't want to write things to show you who I am.
I want my actions to speak loud enough.
I don't want to make a show of what I believe and not live it.
I want the things I say to match up with what I do.
I pray that my character is not misconceived.
I pray that what I say on here, matches up with what you, the reader sees.
I apologize, if I have been a hypocrite.
I hope in the future that you will call me out.

Redemption

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I’m not sure why. But, it is a story of God’s redemption in my life.

When I was 14, my aunt fought and died of ovarian cancer. 

This kind of set a lot of emotions off inside of me.

I became numb to a lot of things going on around me... I was miserable. 

It will be two years in January since the last time I cut myself. 

It has been over five years since I made a conscious decision to stop cutting myself. 

Through the years, my mind would still connect my emotions to cutting. I would cut myself inconsistently hoping it would relieve my pain. Thinking that somehow when I was a young teenager that it helped and that it could help again. It never did, I would instantly be in remorse over my decision. 

I have been throughly redeemed over the past two years. I have not had any desire to cut myself. I stopped in 2005, and the summer before I went back into public school God interceded in my life by using a music ministry that I became involved with. That summer I gave up some of my control over to God. I remember how hard it was; not only giving to God this idea of control, but healing... God used that summer to make sure that I knew He forgave me, but it took much longer to forgive myself. 

An analogy that I like to use is that God gave His son, Jesus, to die and suffer and bleed on a cross for me... so that I wouldn’t have to. So that I wouldn’t cut myself. 

I eventually forgave myself. Cutting myself no longer controls me. I have been freed from that kind of thinking.

I still struggle with depression. I still struggle with giving God my trust and my control. But I do not let these things conquer me. My Savior is so much bigger than these things. 

Masterpieces

For the past few days nothing has turned out the way I have planned. But... they have all been orchestrated by God and they have turned out to be exactly what I need. 

People. Wonderful people that God has placed in my life... people to reconnect with. People that I haven't connected with before.

One girl imparticular... sees people as the masterpieces God has made them to be... it's beautiful. The things I take for granted... she illuminates them and makes them the most exciting things... I think that's exactly how God sees us. God gets so excited about us, we are his masterpieces. 

I love people who inspire me to be better. Who challenge me to live out my faith. Who encourage me. 

I love that God has a plan. 

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

401

Last night, my cor group put on a movie night for our project.
Basically... we wanted to hand out surveys and get a discussion out of it.
We put a lot of work into it though, and I was very impressed with our turn out; it surpassed our expectations. I'm also very proud and humbled with my group. I loved the unity and teamwork we put into this.
I also really enjoyed handing out our surveys and informing people of what was going on and what we've been researching this semester.
We [as in all the seniors] have put a lot of work into this... and I know we all dread it, but the presentation is good for us, it gives us a chance to exhibit our hard work and I think it should be honored.

I've really enjoyed this whole thing... okay... not all of it. But, there has been a lot of good things to come out of it. [I also know my grade is secure in the hands of our advisor...]
I've had the opportunity to interview people and hear their stories, and see how God has orchestrated and implemented things in their lives, and see the potential they have to influence others lives.
I've had the opportunity to work with two of my good friends that I've known since freshman year, which I had my hestancies, but it worked out very well. I also worked with two people that pleasantly surprised me.
My group has a lot of strengths and I was very blessed this semester.

Plan A

Maybe it's not the right thing.
But, one thing has become crystal clear.
I have the passions I have for a reason.
I will be applying to work with a ministry full-time next year.
Full-time ministry.
This is hugely over-whelming.
This is a giganto commitment.
But... I can't imagine serving God any other way...

I've been so worried about making this desicion based on my wants and not God's. This has frustrated and discouraged me. I have a year to raise support for this. People have encouraged me... "If it's God's will He will make a way." I argue, "But, that's not how this works. I can do this and if I don't raise enough money at the end... I owe the organization money." The way I've been looking at it is... when it's all said and done, when I come to the end of my year of ministry and I don't earn the support... "This was all me, this was me chasing after my own selfish desires."And the idea of that upsets me so much... that once again, I am putting myself before my Jesus, who gave his life for me.

I don't know... that doubt will probably rest in my heart for some time.
But, I do have hope.

Personal Day

It's been too long since I stepped off the Greenville campus. Oh my goodness....
Today was so wonderful and needed. I almost started forgetting there's a world outside of the greenville bubble.
I took this morning to do whatever I wanted. No worries. Listening to Lori Mckenna.
Being by myself in a sense, and seeing human beings I've never seen before for 3 hours was a reminder to get outside of myself. To see how I act when people don't know how I act. Whenever we enter into something new, we have this opportunity to almost be whoever we want. I think it's a lot harder to change ourselves than we would like though. I know there are things about me that will inherently be who I am and what I do. And yepp... those things may be... "predictable" but... I also think those are the things I want to be known for.
I tend to get lost in myself at school. I tend to get comfortable. I stick with what I know. I let people read me... and I try to fall into what I think they expect from me; instead of giving them what I want them to know me as. Does that make sense?
My family is a great example. They've always known me as this quiet little turtle. That's what they expect from me... and when I say something and speak up, they're surprised and think it's out of character for me. Sometimes the quiet turtle works out to my advantage... but honestly I can't sit here and complain about how people put stereotypes on people and ask them to do the changing. If I want to be known for something, then I have to work to be known for it. I have to give people a reason to rethink what they have thought.
Anyway. Getting out of Greenville today helped me re-evaluate and gave me time to be with me. Even though I'm basically rooming by myself this semester, I never have time to quiet my mind, I'm always thinking about this, that and the other and things I need to get done and what's next in my week and my day and my life.

Skinny

I'm pissed.
I'm pissed that I put my self-worth in how skinny or not skinny I am.
I look in a mirror and when I see these rolls... I don't think I'm good enough.
After losing weight... and gaining some of it back... I think... I'm losing my beauty.
And. that is so messed up.

I see pictures online that tell me, if I'm not working out, if I'm not running. Than I must be lazy, I must not care about my health, I must not be determined enough.
What I see in those pictures and what I see in some people... is that unless I have a flat stomach, I will not be desirable. I will not be anything. That I don't have a place in this world. That I'm not beautiful. That if I don't literally work my ass off... I will be alone.

And when I do work out... I think people must think I am a poser. That it's some sort of joke. I think if I walk instead of run on the treadmill... people are going to think that I can't do it, that I'm not trying hard enough.

I'm pissed that I think this way. I'm pissed that our society has made numerous people think this way. I want so much to be okay with who I am... with whatever number is on the scale, at any given time.

Just One More...

My priorities are so jacked up right now.
Of course... my mother would probably think they are great right now.
I no longer stay up late having sleepover talk.... with anybody.
Nope. I stay up late doing homework.
I've been putting school as my number one this semester because... I'm so determined to graduate on time.
It's not even right...
Because something that has been so inherent in me is a focus on relationships. That hasn't been happening. Most importantly... my relationship with God is stale. And just like my friendships, I know that deep-down, nothing is wrong, God will not shun me, my friends still want to hang out with me, even though I've been absent.
Grades School. Is. Important.
But here's the deal. I know. I've always known. Relationships at the end of the day, that's what matters.
So... why have I been screwing this up?
Not sure... I'm working that out.

Until then... I'm going to listen to Lori Mckenna. She's my singer/songwriter heroine I've decided. She has so much soul... and simply listening to her soul... brings me to tears. I want to write like that. I also. Would love to see her in concert/meet her.