Adrenaline Rush

A bad one. Not a good one, not the kind that helps you do good in races, or become the hulk to save a child trapped under a bulldozer. The kind where you experience so many emotions at once... that I like to label as multiple emotion-analysis [which is more or less an inside joke, and me being hyper]. The kind that gives you a nervous break-down.

I hate it. Absolutely hate the feelings.

That’s how I began this post... then as I wrapped up the meaning of the title, I realized that was not what this post was suppose to be about so I deleted the ending kept the middle which is as follows:

A friend came to me the other day, in tears, and my heart broke for them, absolutely broke; but not only for them, for so many people... even for myself. It’s amazing what the Holy Spirit does inside of us. My whole self understood in that moment, where I was on my hands and knees praying for this friend, what it means to love like He has loved us. What it really meant to have you're heart break for what breaks His. [To see His beloved children in suffering... it hurts] It’s something I have been trying to instill in my life for quite some time.

It’s funny, I actually had a conversation with God during worship one day at church about this. I summarize that conversation like this, but not word for word because I feel like it is too personal... “God, why would you do this for me, why would you send you’re beloved son to die for me?” and God said “Because I love you, and I want to be with you forever.” And I said “Okay God... but what am I suppose to do in the meantime? You did something so great for me, how can I repay this debt... I don’t know what to do from here.” “Love, I want you to love as much as you can, I want you to live in the moment and put all you’re energy into that moment. Loving others is loving Me.”

This was my final prayer that night of praying and crying for my friend. Which... reads as a poem... I do that at times... go figure.

“Live through me Lord, live through me and never ever let my light go out.

Stay with me Lord, stay with me and remind me constantly how to love.

Love me Lord, like you always have... and never will ever stop.

Take me Lord, take my entire life and let it glorify You.

Rebirth me, Transform me, Break me.

Make me more like You.”

An adrenaline rush of God’s love perhaps? Perhaps that is what this post was suppose to be about. When I was writing about the betrayal I felt tonight and the adrenaline that rushed all around me, I knew what I was writing was wrong in the sense that... I was making this about myself once again, and this isn’t about me, it’s about God and what He’s doing in me.

God is a God of second chances.

Outside my Window

This is the view from my dorm window... not the prettiest... the lower roof is the commonly called DC, which stands for dining commons.

I used to find it funny... how I could smell the cafeteria food. But today, today I find it revolting.

I used to try and figure it out... what they we're making for whatever time of the day it was... but not anymore, it all smells the exact same. Except, for tator tots... those have a distinct smell, I can tell when they make tater tots.

Ugh... but I must go and eat this smelly food, my stomach is growling for it...

September Life Update

I figured I should do something like this to keep true to the old blog [which you can't find because I blocked...] So, this is my summary of the first month of school.

I've had plenty of Wal-Mart runs. My floor does puzzles in the lounge. I've done laundry twice, will be three times by the end of today. Work in the cafeteria at 6:30-10:00 am MWF. I'm taking 5 classes that add up to 14 credit hours. I'm trying to figure out what I'll be doing with my life. Watched more movies then I ever did before. Reading more pleasure reading then I did last year. Not on Facebook as much. Have phone-dates with my summer friends. Work-out.

I've gotten my share of hispanic culture. This picture is from Latin Dance Night, which was just about the best thing ever. I love Latin dance, I love dressing up.

Although, this picture is not from the actual latin dance part, this was just afterwards doing our own thing. We had an instructor, who taught us the salsa, merengue, and the chacha.

I'm a slow learner... but I really adore the dance.

I also went to a Hispanic Cultural Festival in St. Louis, which was really awesome, just to be around that culture again. I sorta felt like I was in a Central American Market, but it didn't really compare to the real thing. There was a Honduran running a booth, it made me really happy, but I don't think she understood english very well... cause I told her I had just spent a summer there, and she didn't seem to care... maybe she didn't.

There was also an adorable Ecudorean lady running a booth, she was gorgeous and super friendly, I basically wanted to be her friend forever and ever.

And of course there was food! I had an Encantada, which is pretty much popular everywhere in Central America, a lot of food booths had them. Argentina seemed to be the hottest spot for them though [and yes, I know Argentina is in South America]. But one place had ran out of plantains, which was really disappointing.

I've been pretty anti-social in retrospect. Mostly because the most happening times are after dinner and I go to bed early so I can operate during the day because of work. But Saturday we had a brother/sister floor event, bowling, so that was fun... I've become better at left-hand bowling then right.. and I'm right handed, go figure...

I almost went bowling in El Salvador this summer, that would have been fun memories. But, I'm not complaining, I have a ton of memories to last me a lifetime from this sumer!

I'm not Alright

This song has been playing through my head all day today.

I haven’t listened to it in quite some time either, so it dawned on me that maybe God was trying to tell me something by the 100th time it was stuck in my head.

It’s Sanctus Real- I’m Not Alright

“I’m not alright, I’m broken inside, and all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness

Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide with nothing left to cling to, only You are there to lead me on

Honestly.... I’m not that strong”

I do this way more then I should... I depend on myself more then I depend on God. Except, I thought I had gotten rid of that this summer, I really gave God my all this summer... I let God fall in love with me and it was amazing to experience that love.

[for background for those who don’t know: I had been holding back a lot from God for years now, especially trust, I loved God and I served God with my whole heart, and I was trying so hard, on my own, to follow His will for my life. But a lot of me did the things I did because I felt like I had to be better so that God would love me, I didn’t fully understand that God loved me just as I am. This summer I gave up a lot of my insecurities to Him, and I really became a new person inside, I felt the peace and happiness that I’ve heard so many people talk about, but didn’t understand for myself.]

I’ve been trusting [or trying to trust] God with a lot lately... except I still kept one thing away from Him. Basically, slowly this one thing was tearing me down. How many times are we broken inside?

The pastor at the church I have been faithfully attending here at school said this the first week all the college students were back. This was about running the race, “ All we have to say is ‘God, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t have any more faith today.... I’ve run out’ and God says ‘It’s okay... I’ve got you the rest of the way’.”

There’s a list of Bible verses and songs going through my head to get my thoughts about this and my true feelings out and understandable, but I don’t want to make this a long, exhausting post to read then it already is.

And the Answer is...

What can I say... I’m a pretty stupid girl.

I feel like I deserve certain things in life, when I probably don’t.

Like the truth.

That’s not even the issue.

I also feel like I have been cheated and missed out on something

But the thing with that, is that I didn’t realize it until recently, and when I figured out what was missing, I was so angry and part of me still is, and it hurts so much, when people aren’t willing to fix it.

That’s not even the issue.

I hate the way I act when I don’t get what I want.

It’s not like I throw a temper tantrum like a five year old, it’s the emotions that go through me that are so immature and wrong.

Why am I so materialistic and high maintenance?

I’m not even THAT high maintenance.

A few months ago, I was so ready to drop everything and go back to a country where I couldn’t speak the language, to serve God by serving others; and trust me, if I was given the opportunity right now, I would take it.

If money wasn’t an issue, if I spoke the language fluently.

If I trusted God enough.

I would do it.

Funny... I thought I was doing a pretty good job, trusting God. Come to discover....

I’m not any better then I was.

Well, I’m a pretty stupid girl, trusting in myself, putting my hope in others.

God is the answer, I know this...

Laughing Until My Tooth Hurts

I’ve been blessed by the friendships I have here at Greenville. It makes me sad to leave, but it’s inevitable that eventually we would all be leaving and parting paths.

I have been constantly reminded of how lucky I am; and I will continue to be, so don’t be surprised if you hear about how blessed I feel again.

I’m not a perfect person, I’ve screwed up a lot, and I’m ashamed of those mess ups. Which makes God so awesome, because He erases those mistakes and let’s us start fresh. And it’s awesome that we can learn from those mistakes. I don’t always treat my good friends the way I should, and I hate to know that I’ve hurt them, I hate myself for hurting them, I tell myself, I should have known better, this person has been nothing but nice to me, and I was stupid and put that knife in their side, what is wrong with me?

Usually, I ask for forgiveness too, or it just naturally blows off because I just made a big deal out of nothing. Thankfully, my friends are kind enough to continue being friends with me. Life is all about learning.

Friends make you laugh, tell you what you want or don’t want to hear. Friends always have a shoulder and an ear. Friends stand by you when you’re too insecure to stand by yourself. Friends don’t hold mistakes over heads. Friends repeatedly hear the same stories over, and over again.

My friends, are good friends.

My friends, they make me laugh until my “tooth” hurts. They repeatedly hear me talk about myself. My friends forgive and love me.

Something Different

I've decided to somewhat put up the other blog, and start fresh.

Just because my life is bigger then college. Granted I'm still in college.

That blog was a good motivation and start, and I'm happy to still have that blog, I enjoy looking back on it.

But, I just want to post whatever strikes me.

Write the lessons God is teaching me. Something I've been reminded lately is that our life is not only a question of what we are going to do with it, but what are we going to do with it to honor God. All the glory goes back to Him.

That's what my life story is about... how my life intersects God's story.