I'll be a Future Transfer Student...

I’ve sent my application to Nyack today.That’s where I’ve decided to transfer... it’s hard for me to say for certain that that is where I know I’m suppose to be... and the advice everyone gives is pray about it and God will make it clear. I’ve prayed about it, and the only thing I am clear about, is that I’m not suppose to be here. Which makes it really hard for me to leave, because I want to be here. I don’t want to leave, but I know I have to.

I shouldn’t have come back in the first place, I came back because I was being selfish. I came back because it was easiest. I came back because I was afraid. I am afraid of losing my good friends here; and now, I am afraid of transferring in the middle of the year... I know that I have to be involved, and it’s going to be a lot of work on my part; and I know that God will be there by my side through it all.

My reasons for choosing Nyack:

1- Closer to home

2- Great abroad programs

3- Close to NYC, so many ministry opportunities

If I am not accepted [which... is unlikely] I still won’t be returning to Greenville. Last year, I blamed my problems on being homesick... but I never was, so, I’m just saying that the distance is not the issue. My family has been having health issues in general. Specifically, my mother was battling breast cancer this summer but beat it in August. The doctors have found something on her ovaries now. As much as I want to say I’m stronger then this... I’m not, I’m just good at pretending. But, if anything happened to any of my family members, I want to be there for them, and being so far away, I can’t.

So... I regretfully say goodbye greenville...

-If you’re from GC reading this, please help me make the best of my last month and a half here, thanks.

Lessons from the Rain

This past Thursday, it rained quite a bit. Actually... for the past month it has rained every Thursday, it's getting a bit predictable I say.

But, God taught me something new about the rain.

Let me say this, last year rain was a sign to me of God's love. Because I imagined being drenched in His love, like rain.

This year, it's His reminder to me that He is there, and to not forget about Him.

Matthew 11:29

Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Bible Study

I know... this is my third post today... things happen -don’t you know!

So, I took up the responsibility to lead a Bible study at the church I’ve been going to for the college group. Tonight we dove in for the first time as a group... we got a late start and missed a couple weeks [better late then never!] I’m pretty content with how it went.

I think it’s something that 1- I will get better at in due time and 2- more discussion will go on as we all get to know each other better

I’m glad I’m doing this though, it’s really great to see how God can use me. I also realized tonight that I should ask my friends more often if there is anything I can pray for them about... praying for people doesn’t just have to be done in a special setting, it should be done whenever. Also, I think it’s another way to make our personal relationship with corporate. It’s the same thing as three people going out to lunch, God can be our lunch companion too.

indeed!

God taught me...

... that I'm a control freak. I really am, I knew this. I just have to be in control all the time. I can't just let things go, and see how they work out on their own. I always have to step in and try to force something to go the way I want.

Sometimes, I don't think that's always a bad thing. At this present time, it is. All I have to do is give it up to God, but for whatever reason, I just don't think He's got my back... when, obviously, He does.

Seek

Please pray for me, I'm not very good at seeking God for everything that goes on in my life; and let's be honest... He knows what's best for me.

Princesa

Oh my goodness, I miss this woman so much. She is wonderful.

Brenda is from Honduras, and she cooked for me and my team this summer. It was really difficult to speak to her because I knew no spanish, and she knows very limited english, but somehow, we connected! [We also had Jeriel our translator, who did translate for us.] We have tried to talk since we parted, it’s very difficult, and usually just ends up being “hello, how are you, God Bless You, I love you.” She really touched my heart, and it’s something I struggle with because I want to talk to her! In all honesty, she is one of the reasons why I want to learn spanish so bad, I want to be able to talk to her, I want to get to know her as a person, and I hate that I can’t. We get by, but I feel as if I am missing out on something, or rather someone.

She continually called and calls me princesa.

The beauty in that word isn’t something I had really thought about until today. I’m God’s princess.... I’m really worth something. That was something I used to struggle with a lot. I’ve never thought I was worthy of God’s love... I’m not, but despite that God still calls me His own. Despite all my sin, God says I am worthy of His love... He is my King.

Gracias Brenda, Dios te bendiga mi amo!

One Song = Frustration?

This is really... rather random, and somewhat of a tangent... feel free to not read...

You know what I find rather annoying... I have so many words and thoughts to write down somewhere. And they all have potential to be profound and poetic... and just beautiful... but they aren’t because they are so smushed up together and don’t make any sense.

Then... I have songs... song after song, incomplete, or completed and not “documented” [in any shape or form of that word].

I’m such a perfectionist when it comes down to my “art” can I call it that?

Pictures that I take, songs that I write, my voice... I critique my voice like crazy! Everything has to be the best it can be.

I’ve been working on this one song for the past couple months. Well, here’s the thing, it’s the same emotion, and I keep coming back to it, and I have built up quite a document of pages on my computer about this one song. I’m starting to despise it, but I know it has so much potential... and my emotional pull to it keeps bringing me back to it, that I can’t stop myself.

That’s where all my thoughts collide and just make a mess of things. It’s ruining what it originally set out to be. Does that make sense?

Actually... it makes sense to me, why the song is such a confusing mess... it’s because my emotion is such a confusing mess... maybe I should label my emotion, emotions. There’s definitely more concurring then just one.

So, I’m hoping, that one day, this one song will actually become one song... and everything will come together like it should.

Honduras Reunion

This weekend I got to see four people that I met this summer and whom went to Honduras with me. Except one of them went to Hong Kong, but I knew her pretty well because I stayed at the same host home with her!

It was so nice to see them again and be with them, and sort of in a way be re-acquainted with them. It was different, because last time we all saw each other we were in a different element and setting, it was kind of like... welcome to my life! The cool thing of that was, “I’m the same person you met this summer.” But... also changed for the better, because of this summer.

This summer, God all taught each of us something, that even though He taught us each something different or similar, we still can connect because of it.

It was odd for me to be off campus though, and with them.. I felt like I was missing out on something in my life by not being on campus. Then when I got back on campus, I realized I missed nothing, no one was here, and I was thankful that I spent my fall break in a productive way.

I’m far too blessed.

This picture would make up 1/3 of the CTI Honduras 2009 Team.

Bruise

I don't really know... I guess I'm just tired and exhuasted and just sick of the bull that goes around. So, I just wrote something, nothing great. It's short and there's a cuss word in it, it's just what it is.

Throw me the punches, one, two, three

Give ‘em to me baby, one more time please

I can take the hurts, the pains

I don’t want you’re pity, you’re sanity

I want justification and liberty.

Bruise me, inside and out

Go ahead and tempt me to cry

I’m so full of lies.

I’m only so strong

And trust me... I’m not...

I know I sound like a hypocrite.

I know that sometimes... I can be a bitch

I know I’m not nearly as Godly as I hope to be.

Really, all I want is freedom and liberty.

Dreams

Life goals, agendas, aspirations...

So, the state I’m currently residing in for school, is debating wether or not to take away this huge grant that helps fund a lot of kids tuition for school. I don’t have it because I’m from out of state. I just finished watching this video that many of the students at my school made. They held up signs “Future: _____”

Then at the end, they portrayed responses if the grant is taken away... going to the worst extreme: they can’t finish their education. Thus, they can’t accomplish their dreams.

It’s really stupid of me, but the video made me a little sad. Just to think, someone not getting that opportunity. It happens everyday though. I thought of my dreams... and not being able to accomplish them. But I also thought about how my dreams have changed in the past year.

I wanted to sing, for the rest of my life. But you know why I originally wanted to sing, I wanted to sing to reach people and I was going to be so involved with ministries to encourage others to get involved. By the time I went to college though, I had forgotten about those reasons, I wanted to do it because I wanted to be the best. But, God reminded me to put people first. So finally I did that, and things came together and this summer, God completed the transformation of my dreams. Not to say that my dreams won’t change again and again, but I know now what God wants me to do, and that’s what I’m shooting for.

My dreams as of today:

To serve God, love people, learn spanish, and to be wherever God wants me... [Central America? maybe. possibly. hopefully.]

Things are Looking uP

Okay, part of me is just writing because I feel a responsibility too. When, in all actuality, I shouldn't be writing because I should be going to bed and/or doing homework.

But, I am in a very positive and happy mood.

Things are going pretty smoothly right now.

Where to begin. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, a dear friend of mine is going to be visiting me and we will probably also visit a few other people. I'm so excited! There will be more about that later in life. =]

For the most part, I can't complain about what's going on in my life, there's a few complications just like anyone else. But most of "the complications" are things that I just need to give to God. I was talking to a close friend the other night about how conflicted I was feeling and she gently reminded me that I need to just let God in on the decisions I'm trying to make on my own, He won't steer me wrong.

I was just like. CRAP. I did it again, I forgot to let God in on my life. It's pretty lame of me, I'm just so afraid to give that one part of my life over to him.. when He knows me better then anyone else. He knows what to choose for me, and He really will choose the right thing. oh trust.

Lastly, it's something I'm pretty excited about. I've finally come to a decision of what I will be doing [sort of]. I found a college to transfer to that seems great, and I'm pretty sure it's the place God wants me to go. Okay, I don't really know, but things have been happening that just seem right, and the idea of going to this school keeps growing on me more and more, and I get really excited thinking about being there in the future.

The only thing I need to figure out now is when to transfer. Right now, I just want to be at the place where I can finish the most credits. Unfortunately the school I'm thinking about transferring to does not have interterm or summer courses. So finishing in 3 years with a double major... definitely not going to happen. Which is okay, I think that this school is going to be a good fit for me. It's a small school located in a big place [20min from the city].

Diversity is calling my name.

God and I time...

I’ve been putting God off for a few days now... kinda just because of my busyness and frustrations, I was just simply not spending my daily time with Him. I said to myself last night, it was late and I go.. “I know God, I’ve been ditching you... but it’s late and I’m tired and I’ll just do it tomorrow, okay?”

“You keep putting off tomorrow, and you’re never gonna come back to Me.”

Hmmmph. I didn’t like those words too much.

“Fine. But... I’m taking you to the bathroom.” So, I grabbed my devotional book, and took it while I sat on the pot.

2 Chronicles 6:15-

“You have kept your promise to your servant David my father; with your mouth you have promised and with your hand you have fulfilled it- as it is today.”

If you didn’t get that, it was about making promises and not fulfilling them.

Can you say... slap in the face?

But you know what I really realized, I realized that all God wants to do is spend time with us... yeah, even in the bathroom. But... uhm.. well, I’m kind of ashamed that I belittled Him to that. God deserves a lot more then a potty-break.