Personal Day

It's been too long since I stepped off the Greenville campus. Oh my goodness....
Today was so wonderful and needed. I almost started forgetting there's a world outside of the greenville bubble.
I took this morning to do whatever I wanted. No worries. Listening to Lori Mckenna.
Being by myself in a sense, and seeing human beings I've never seen before for 3 hours was a reminder to get outside of myself. To see how I act when people don't know how I act. Whenever we enter into something new, we have this opportunity to almost be whoever we want. I think it's a lot harder to change ourselves than we would like though. I know there are things about me that will inherently be who I am and what I do. And yepp... those things may be... "predictable" but... I also think those are the things I want to be known for.
I tend to get lost in myself at school. I tend to get comfortable. I stick with what I know. I let people read me... and I try to fall into what I think they expect from me; instead of giving them what I want them to know me as. Does that make sense?
My family is a great example. They've always known me as this quiet little turtle. That's what they expect from me... and when I say something and speak up, they're surprised and think it's out of character for me. Sometimes the quiet turtle works out to my advantage... but honestly I can't sit here and complain about how people put stereotypes on people and ask them to do the changing. If I want to be known for something, then I have to work to be known for it. I have to give people a reason to rethink what they have thought.
Anyway. Getting out of Greenville today helped me re-evaluate and gave me time to be with me. Even though I'm basically rooming by myself this semester, I never have time to quiet my mind, I'm always thinking about this, that and the other and things I need to get done and what's next in my week and my day and my life.

Skinny

I'm pissed.
I'm pissed that I put my self-worth in how skinny or not skinny I am.
I look in a mirror and when I see these rolls... I don't think I'm good enough.
After losing weight... and gaining some of it back... I think... I'm losing my beauty.
And. that is so messed up.

I see pictures online that tell me, if I'm not working out, if I'm not running. Than I must be lazy, I must not care about my health, I must not be determined enough.
What I see in those pictures and what I see in some people... is that unless I have a flat stomach, I will not be desirable. I will not be anything. That I don't have a place in this world. That I'm not beautiful. That if I don't literally work my ass off... I will be alone.

And when I do work out... I think people must think I am a poser. That it's some sort of joke. I think if I walk instead of run on the treadmill... people are going to think that I can't do it, that I'm not trying hard enough.

I'm pissed that I think this way. I'm pissed that our society has made numerous people think this way. I want so much to be okay with who I am... with whatever number is on the scale, at any given time.

Just One More...

My priorities are so jacked up right now.
Of course... my mother would probably think they are great right now.
I no longer stay up late having sleepover talk.... with anybody.
Nope. I stay up late doing homework.
I've been putting school as my number one this semester because... I'm so determined to graduate on time.
It's not even right...
Because something that has been so inherent in me is a focus on relationships. That hasn't been happening. Most importantly... my relationship with God is stale. And just like my friendships, I know that deep-down, nothing is wrong, God will not shun me, my friends still want to hang out with me, even though I've been absent.
Grades School. Is. Important.
But here's the deal. I know. I've always known. Relationships at the end of the day, that's what matters.
So... why have I been screwing this up?
Not sure... I'm working that out.

Until then... I'm going to listen to Lori Mckenna. She's my singer/songwriter heroine I've decided. She has so much soul... and simply listening to her soul... brings me to tears. I want to write like that. I also. Would love to see her in concert/meet her.

Set Free

concentrate.

feel the beat.

listen up.

focus now.

breathe.

take some time.

don’t hesitate.

aim your arrow.

steady.

calm your mind.

one thing, at a time.

put away distractions.

leave the perturbation.

go. and do.

live your life.

search and question.

try. and be.

finally. love. and set free.

Desperation

Desperation.
See. I was calling out your name.
And. I didn't think you heard me.
So. I ran.
I ran... as fast as I could and as fast as I can.
I ran.

Desperation.
Not wanting to withstand, what really sits in my soul.
It wasn't you that didn't hear me.
I didn't want to face up. I didn't want you to see how much I screwed up.
I didn't want to admit that I'm not enough.

Desperation.
Woke up in loneliness.
Drowning in my sorrows.
My soul, crying out for freedom.
My heart, feeling heavier than it's ever been.


I didn't know what was wrong. The sun was still shining down, shining strong.
I was so desperate for love. affection. satisfaction.
But I couldn't own up to what was holding me back.
I couldn't face the facts.
I couldn't really look at the bottom of the cup and see the reflections of all the ugliness.

Desperation.
To fix everything.
But. Not the problem.
To be everything for everyone.
But. Not my true self.

Desperation.
To appear unbroken.
To please the world with a smile.

Desperation.
To really be seen for exactly who you are.

Thoughts with Jane

I continue to struggle with the same things, all the time.
Sometimes, I am secure in my Abba, He is my Father and I am His child. Then, some time goes by and I forget. I forget how precious I am to Him.
I start relying on people... for the things I NEED to rely on Him for.
It can become so bad, and so messy, and so sad...
I start relying on my friends, for my happines, my security. I was catching up with a summer staffer tonight and she was sharing some of her thoughts about the same thing, she said "it's unfair for me to put that expectation on my friends."
My completeness should be coming from God.
Sometimes, I am do really well with my completeness in God. Other times... I feel so foolish, for always coming back to this. I feel like... I can't move on until I deal with this. I want to be grounded in God, I won't be able to get anywhere else if I'm not.

Slightly change of subject, but my conversation with my summer staffer was fantastic and on point. I have felt distant from God, but not really, because in this perfect [on paper] Christian setting, I am surrounded by God and His Word. I don't feel like something is wrong in my relation with God, but I don't feel good about it either. We talked about how a Christian atmosphere can be nurturing or stifling. I said to her... in Guatemala, it was nurturing, then I realized it was because usually... I was outside of my comfort zone.
Once again. We are not called to be comfortable and I have challenges in front of my face that first of all, I should bring to Jesus and second of all, will push me out of my comfort zone. Because... I don't want to be nice to someone who's being a jerk to me.  But... that's what Jesus' wants and where He goes, I'll go.

Yeah... Abba used that girl tonight to speak to me (thank you to both)... and He got through pretty clear.

Abba, thank you for your Holy Spirit, that intercedes on my behalf, even when I'm not intentional. Thank you, for speaking to me through people and patiently waiting for my response. You are so gracious, Abba.

Light

The symbolism of light is pretty... intense.
If you sit there and think about it enough.
I did... I'm taking a class that is studying the Gospel of John. 9 times. It is mentioned at least 9 times in the book of John, chapters 1-12.
I've only scratched the surface of it too...
I mean... light... is so dynamic. As I came on here deciding what to write about and named this post, I wondered what kind of picture I could use. Then, I thought about how photographers play with light.
Now... I'm thinking how important light is.... photographers need it... without it... well, their pictures would probably come out pretty crappy, unless they know exactly what they are doing.
And, we need it. I love it. I love well lit areas.
I cried the first day I went to Nyack because there were no ceiling lights in my dorm room. Yeah. I love light that much.
I can't stand (granted, I can tolerate them much better) dim lit areas. It depends on what I'm doing.

But... okay... getting side-tracked here. Light in the Bible. Jesus is the light of the world. (John 8:12) God is light (1 John 1:5). And... then all the other times (that I've studied) Jesus continually talks about stumbling in the darkness and then 1 John (2:9-11) tells us that in order to live in the light we need to love our fellow believers. And, get this... if we hate our fellow believers, we're living in the dark.

Here's another aspect of light. You know the saying... "I've seen the light!" Where did that come from?!
God is truth. God is light. truth=light.
When people say that... they've recognized the folly of their ways, haven't they?

Light. It shows all the flaws, it is not deceitful. In the dark... it's dangerous and secretive... it's scary.
Granted... darkness does have its place. But... when we're in the light, we're showing the world who we are and we're living in truth. And truth... that results in community.

That. was a tangent. But... I got excited about it and wanted to share my thoughts.

Live in Light, friends.

Could

My mind is unsettled, for all the things I did not do today.
The squandered opportunities.
The chances I could have taken to make a difference.
The work that could have been accomplished.

I can't go back and change what I did and did not do.
I can only look forward and move ahead.
Yet, here I am... twidling my thumbs, hoping that if I worry about it enough... something will change.
It will not. It never does.
I've stayed awake countless nights, hoping that somehow, in the morning... it will go away.

Here I am again... staying awake, hoping the world will disappear.
I bring these things upon myself, I know.
I could do so much better with the things I've been given.
So much good could be accomplished.

I could be a better friend. a better daughter. a better granddaughter. a better cousin. a better christian.
I could be thinner. healthier. more studious. more artistic. more outgoing. more fearless.
I could be striving to be perfect.... because I am.... I am striving for perfection. But... I'm not and I will never make it there.
I could stop beating myself up. I could stop trying to do this on my own.
I could start giving it up to Abba, giving Him control.
I could start listening, start seeing, start being.... whatever Abba is calling me.

Today... was a waste. Tomorrow... is a new day. His mercies are new.