Summer vs Life

So... my summer wasn't over when I came home from Guatemala.

But, I let a lot of bitterness and resentment creep in my heart. I always imagine vines growing and then completely covering up a heart and choking it and squeezing it, taking out the life.

Because that's what those things do. I lost sight of everything I had learned because of one thing that didn't go the way I wanted it to.

I'm completely selfish... I still have so much to work on.

My prayer for this summer, as I posted on facebook was this :

for an open heart, a tender heart, a willing heart.
for new eyes, a fresh mind, and a pure soul.
for strength, to be vulnerable, to be humble, to be love.

But. Here's the thing. That should not be my prayer only for this past summer. It should be for my life. His mercies are new every morning. Why shouldn't the way I view the world be new too? Why did I find it so important to live this way this summer, in Guatemala, but am not finding it as important here?

Things to chew on my friends, things to chew on...

and trust me, I'm chewing.

Stuck

I wrote this a couple weeks ago, and didn't finish it. Finished it this afternoon. Just the last five lines though. Sometimes... I like to pretend I'm a writer.

Thinking. Believing. Hopeing. Praying.

Remembering. Wanting. Needing.

Becoming lost... in thought, in mind. Everything unwinds.

When it comes to your heart, people are worse than robbers in your house.

Taking chances. Trusting. Circumstances.

Breaking. Crying. Hurting. Lying.

All these things cave in, sink in, make your body shake.

There's never a break.

Once you take that break, it's over, it's complete.

There's nothing to return to.

Nothing stays the same.

You don't change now, you don't begin now. You NEVER WILL.

So, you sit there, you mope, you whine, you complain.

But you never GET UP, you never SHAPE UP, you never look outside of yourself to see the differences. You wait. For a silver platter and a silver spoon.

Shut up. Just shut up. Don't give up. Don't let those lies spill inside your head. You're better than that, you were made for more than that. There is nothing in this world that can stop you from accomplishing your dreams. There is no one in this world that can have power over your soul, your spirits.

You know better.

Don't let them defeat you. They will come at you.

With evils, far beyond your control.

Be everything that lives inside you.

Breathe the breath that God has given you.

Rise above and put the past behind you.

New things are ahead of you. New things to conquer and behold.

New things that God wants to unfold.

Your eyes won't deceive you. Your heart won't leave you.

Learn to fall in love. Become unstuck.

Learn to trust, again.

God is Masterful

Actually... I call Him that a lot.

He astounds me.

The plans He comes up with, the things He puts together, the things He creates...

What an amazing God I serve.

I wander around this earth, literally, and half the time not knowing what the heck I'm doing... taking opportunities as I see them, as I see fit for my life... and God takes my wanderings and directs them. [Okay... I was not going there when I began, but that is a Pslam, pretty sure, and there's more proof of how God directs my paths.]

I have been so blessed because of His Masterfulness.

I have been to Central America, three times now and... only once had I made a plan to go there, and God takes this little mess of a life and transforms it there... I meet God in Central America and I experience Him in new ways, everytime...

I have met wonderful people, who inspire me, who love me, and only through God's planning have I been blessed with their presence in my life.

It is only through Him, my life is orchestrated in some eloquent order. Because... I don't know what I'm doing. I'm as flighty as a bird. That's actually not true... belief is one of my top strengths... I hold pretty tightly to them. For the things I know to be true.

God being a Master designer and planner and creator. That is true.