Fear

Can you give me something new?

A freshness, a understanding, a sense of clarity.

I need something new.

Can you leave the old so simply behind?

The broken, the shamed, the tattered and torn.

The old, is loved and cherished. Used.

They say one is silver and the other, gold.

Faithful. Desire.

It’s a pitiful hole.

It bubbles, it spews...

It’s sabotage.

Too good to be true.

Too wrong to be right.

Too afraid to really feel or too afraid to be herself.

That’s me. Right there, you see.

Fear, it trickles down like water on a leaf.

Too afraid. Too unbrave.

Never, ever good enough. Tries so hard, it ain’t enough.

Never, ever good enough.

Never will. Never was.

Keep trying, keep running, keep singing, keep loving...

Keep being everything you think you can to earn somebody’s love.

It’ll never be enough.

It’s never enough.

Fear. That’s me, inside me. It lives and breathes.

Newness. Freshness. Clarity.

Find me. Give me. Love me. Save me.

Make me.

Show me the old and break me.

Show me the new and heal me.

Quickly, before the fear revives me.

chelsea.tea.

Here's my heart Lord...

Once upon a time...

I felt really, really hurt by people I cared about.

So much was going on in my life that I didn't want my heart anymore.

It hurt too much.

This is what I wrote at that time:

It’s come to a point where I’ve decided to just rip it out and hand it over to God. I just don’t want to be emotionally connected to anyone... Not until it is completely repaired, and I have come a better person and have come to more of a conclusion of who I am.

I'm not that person anymore... God changed me so much after that.

But... I still get hurt, and I will continue to get hurt. That's what happens when you love.

I think I had the right idea. Giving God my heart. I don't want it... I can't handle heartbreak and I don't really think God originally made our hearts for this. He deserves my heart.

I have a lot of issues to work through, everyday...

God's blessed me greatly, I have great people in my life that have walked through a lot of my issues with me and continue to. But they're not perfect, just like me, and I'm still let down and hurt by them at times. People hurt people.

I wish I could carry some of those people with me forever, and never lose them, but I can't and the only one who's going to carry and keep me... is God. So, here's a public declaration- I'm gonna try being dependent on Him, not people, not my best friends.

Besides... my heart is His.

Week of Prayer

I need to spend an "intense" week in prayer.

Basically, I just want to spend time writing to God. Love letters, prayers for family and friends, spend time in worship.

If you have prayer requests, please, please send them my way, I would love to pray for you.

God is always speaking to me... wether it is through friends or through music. I particularly love it when a random song comes into my head and that song... is exactly what I needed.

I may post my prayers from this week, not sure. We'll see what happens, but I will tell you the benefits of this week, because I know there will be. He is good.