Prayer

Today I learned that one can pray in different forms.
I'm reading Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel, which is basically about calling yourself a Christian but not living like one.
This past year, I have learned how important it is to walk your talk.
But, prayer.
It is not only done in speaking form, or putting down your head and thinking words to God. It can be done through dance and music and writing and painting, in the same way we worship, we can also pray.
As soon as I read that, I wanted to grab my guitar and start praying. Unfortunately, my guitar is waiting for my hands at school. Then, I realized I've prayed to God in that way numerous of times, without even realizing it. Many times when I do play my guitar and try to write songs, I just sit there and play some chords and hope for the best to come out of my mouth... and sometimes I sing a lot of damn and hell.
As I write this blog, I realized too that this is another form of prayer for me.

Prayer is communication with God.
But it is also coming to him, with honesty and where we bare our souls.
So... come to God in whatever form you can come before Him and bare your soul and be honest with Him.

So. Funny.

Jesus. You're such a funny... funny... man.
Always knowing how to get through to me.
I hate it.
I need it....

I've been in a very rough, dark spot the past few days... I'm not usually one to cry, but I've been crying constantly. It starts with self-pity.
It also begins with fear. Fear makes me cry the most.

It's clear to me what my struggles are... I've been in this same spot many times before. And I have to take an honest look at myself, and I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have people to encourage me. I'm lucky to have people that will be honest with me and I'm lucky to have people who will push me.

One of my friends likes to ask me about struggles that I seem to always come back to "Do you think you have learned anything from the last time, do you feel stronger, have you built upon it from last time?"
This time. Yes... I think I'm dealing with it in ways I haven't before. I'm also dealing with other things in a much more mature way than I have before.

I just can't get over this fact. That God made me, and thus He knows the best ways to get through to me. Wether it be lyrics playing in my head, friends who give me encouagement without knowledge of what's going on, friends who are intentional, or themes on repeat. He knows how to get my attention... and He wants it... but I'm too busy giving it away to my idols.
Abba, forgive me.

Julie

There's a young lady that was in my graduating class who passed away a couple days ago. I'm friends with her on facebook, but that's about as far as our relationship went. We had several friends in common... I saw her in school often, but I'm not sure we exchanged more than a hello.
Yet, for whatever reason... my thoughts keep coming back to her and the people she has left behind and the way she has left this world.
It could happen to any of us. So, why Julie?
People are writing on her wall now... with so much unrest. People are so confused. People were so touched by this young lady...
My heart is hurting so much for this community. For the unanswered questions and the unsaid goodbyes.
She was gone in an instant with no forewarning. I should probably stop thinking so much about this... it's not doing any good... I can't imagine what this is doing to my friends who were close to her.

Abba, we need so much peace.

Consolation Prize

This... is how I have felt, my whole life.
I'm not good enough to be first choice.
I see it from my childhood.
I see it in the relationships I have today.
It burdens me.
It hurts me.
It defines me.

It even warps who I really am. It warps how I see myself.
It destroys me.
Because I am overcome by negative emotions.

It disgusts me... because this... this is how I often treat God.

The things we often hate in others, is what we hate about ourselves.

I hate this feeling of loneliness, yet knowing... no one can console me, except my sweet Jesus. I need to cling to Him, so badly in times like these. But... I think I'm afraid, honestly. If I get to close to Jesus, He's not gonna want me either.
And even still... I know... I'm a smart girl... these are the lies I am buying into.

Bought.
I was bought... because God believes in me.
God doesn't buy consolation prizes... no, no, He buys the real thing.
Bought. thank you God.

5

Also. Just noticed. For that past few months all my new posts for the month have been on the 5th.
Huh.
5 is my favorite.

Pause

Things are finally coming to an end. Wow.
Cor is over in 2 days, but I have considered it over with since last Monday.
Although. I do still need to do something for it, but I feel no pressure to get it done by a certain time... just the end of the semester. Maybe this weekend.
I almost had nothing to do this weekend and didn't know what to do with myself.
So... I did start a puzzle. I'm like an old lady, I love them.
Now that things are finally settling down, I have time to do other things. I've been picking up my guitar and playing it again, but my creative fire that I had earlier this semester that made me say "I love music" has gone away and now I am sitting here crying "I hate music"
Music is beautiful, but it can be so frustrating at times.

My problem is balance. I put almost everything I had into academics this semester. It payed off, extremely well... but I just don't really know where my semester went. I kind of shut everything off to deal with academics.
A girl that I worked with this summer asked what I had been learning about God lately... and I struggled to answer her. I've been reading these books... good Christian, life, living books like Crazy Love and now I'm reading The Christian Atheist. I've been reading how to talk the walk in a sense. I've been taking Bible classes where I'm learning to be more analytical of the Bible and questioning things I've never questioned and learning so much and... I love it. But... God?

I'm just continuing to struggle with the same things... and ignoring the things I don't want to deal with. But... I'm gonna have to wake up.
I just pray I continue to seek out God as my best friend. I hope I take enough time out of my day and pause and think about how exactly amazing He is.

Hypocrite Writer

I don't want to write things to show you who I am.
I want my actions to speak loud enough.
I don't want to make a show of what I believe and not live it.
I want the things I say to match up with what I do.
I pray that my character is not misconceived.
I pray that what I say on here, matches up with what you, the reader sees.
I apologize, if I have been a hypocrite.
I hope in the future that you will call me out.

Redemption

This has been on my mind a lot lately. I’m not sure why. But, it is a story of God’s redemption in my life.

When I was 14, my aunt fought and died of ovarian cancer. 

This kind of set a lot of emotions off inside of me.

I became numb to a lot of things going on around me... I was miserable. 

It will be two years in January since the last time I cut myself. 

It has been over five years since I made a conscious decision to stop cutting myself. 

Through the years, my mind would still connect my emotions to cutting. I would cut myself inconsistently hoping it would relieve my pain. Thinking that somehow when I was a young teenager that it helped and that it could help again. It never did, I would instantly be in remorse over my decision. 

I have been throughly redeemed over the past two years. I have not had any desire to cut myself. I stopped in 2005, and the summer before I went back into public school God interceded in my life by using a music ministry that I became involved with. That summer I gave up some of my control over to God. I remember how hard it was; not only giving to God this idea of control, but healing... God used that summer to make sure that I knew He forgave me, but it took much longer to forgive myself. 

An analogy that I like to use is that God gave His son, Jesus, to die and suffer and bleed on a cross for me... so that I wouldn’t have to. So that I wouldn’t cut myself. 

I eventually forgave myself. Cutting myself no longer controls me. I have been freed from that kind of thinking.

I still struggle with depression. I still struggle with giving God my trust and my control. But I do not let these things conquer me. My Savior is so much bigger than these things. 

Masterpieces

For the past few days nothing has turned out the way I have planned. But... they have all been orchestrated by God and they have turned out to be exactly what I need. 

People. Wonderful people that God has placed in my life... people to reconnect with. People that I haven't connected with before.

One girl imparticular... sees people as the masterpieces God has made them to be... it's beautiful. The things I take for granted... she illuminates them and makes them the most exciting things... I think that's exactly how God sees us. God gets so excited about us, we are his masterpieces. 

I love people who inspire me to be better. Who challenge me to live out my faith. Who encourage me. 

I love that God has a plan. 

Ephesians 2:10 For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

401

Last night, my cor group put on a movie night for our project.
Basically... we wanted to hand out surveys and get a discussion out of it.
We put a lot of work into it though, and I was very impressed with our turn out; it surpassed our expectations. I'm also very proud and humbled with my group. I loved the unity and teamwork we put into this.
I also really enjoyed handing out our surveys and informing people of what was going on and what we've been researching this semester.
We [as in all the seniors] have put a lot of work into this... and I know we all dread it, but the presentation is good for us, it gives us a chance to exhibit our hard work and I think it should be honored.

I've really enjoyed this whole thing... okay... not all of it. But, there has been a lot of good things to come out of it. [I also know my grade is secure in the hands of our advisor...]
I've had the opportunity to interview people and hear their stories, and see how God has orchestrated and implemented things in their lives, and see the potential they have to influence others lives.
I've had the opportunity to work with two of my good friends that I've known since freshman year, which I had my hestancies, but it worked out very well. I also worked with two people that pleasantly surprised me.
My group has a lot of strengths and I was very blessed this semester.

Plan A

Maybe it's not the right thing.
But, one thing has become crystal clear.
I have the passions I have for a reason.
I will be applying to work with a ministry full-time next year.
Full-time ministry.
This is hugely over-whelming.
This is a giganto commitment.
But... I can't imagine serving God any other way...

I've been so worried about making this desicion based on my wants and not God's. This has frustrated and discouraged me. I have a year to raise support for this. People have encouraged me... "If it's God's will He will make a way." I argue, "But, that's not how this works. I can do this and if I don't raise enough money at the end... I owe the organization money." The way I've been looking at it is... when it's all said and done, when I come to the end of my year of ministry and I don't earn the support... "This was all me, this was me chasing after my own selfish desires."And the idea of that upsets me so much... that once again, I am putting myself before my Jesus, who gave his life for me.

I don't know... that doubt will probably rest in my heart for some time.
But, I do have hope.

Personal Day

It's been too long since I stepped off the Greenville campus. Oh my goodness....
Today was so wonderful and needed. I almost started forgetting there's a world outside of the greenville bubble.
I took this morning to do whatever I wanted. No worries. Listening to Lori Mckenna.
Being by myself in a sense, and seeing human beings I've never seen before for 3 hours was a reminder to get outside of myself. To see how I act when people don't know how I act. Whenever we enter into something new, we have this opportunity to almost be whoever we want. I think it's a lot harder to change ourselves than we would like though. I know there are things about me that will inherently be who I am and what I do. And yepp... those things may be... "predictable" but... I also think those are the things I want to be known for.
I tend to get lost in myself at school. I tend to get comfortable. I stick with what I know. I let people read me... and I try to fall into what I think they expect from me; instead of giving them what I want them to know me as. Does that make sense?
My family is a great example. They've always known me as this quiet little turtle. That's what they expect from me... and when I say something and speak up, they're surprised and think it's out of character for me. Sometimes the quiet turtle works out to my advantage... but honestly I can't sit here and complain about how people put stereotypes on people and ask them to do the changing. If I want to be known for something, then I have to work to be known for it. I have to give people a reason to rethink what they have thought.
Anyway. Getting out of Greenville today helped me re-evaluate and gave me time to be with me. Even though I'm basically rooming by myself this semester, I never have time to quiet my mind, I'm always thinking about this, that and the other and things I need to get done and what's next in my week and my day and my life.

Skinny

I'm pissed.
I'm pissed that I put my self-worth in how skinny or not skinny I am.
I look in a mirror and when I see these rolls... I don't think I'm good enough.
After losing weight... and gaining some of it back... I think... I'm losing my beauty.
And. that is so messed up.

I see pictures online that tell me, if I'm not working out, if I'm not running. Than I must be lazy, I must not care about my health, I must not be determined enough.
What I see in those pictures and what I see in some people... is that unless I have a flat stomach, I will not be desirable. I will not be anything. That I don't have a place in this world. That I'm not beautiful. That if I don't literally work my ass off... I will be alone.

And when I do work out... I think people must think I am a poser. That it's some sort of joke. I think if I walk instead of run on the treadmill... people are going to think that I can't do it, that I'm not trying hard enough.

I'm pissed that I think this way. I'm pissed that our society has made numerous people think this way. I want so much to be okay with who I am... with whatever number is on the scale, at any given time.

Just One More...

My priorities are so jacked up right now.
Of course... my mother would probably think they are great right now.
I no longer stay up late having sleepover talk.... with anybody.
Nope. I stay up late doing homework.
I've been putting school as my number one this semester because... I'm so determined to graduate on time.
It's not even right...
Because something that has been so inherent in me is a focus on relationships. That hasn't been happening. Most importantly... my relationship with God is stale. And just like my friendships, I know that deep-down, nothing is wrong, God will not shun me, my friends still want to hang out with me, even though I've been absent.
Grades School. Is. Important.
But here's the deal. I know. I've always known. Relationships at the end of the day, that's what matters.
So... why have I been screwing this up?
Not sure... I'm working that out.

Until then... I'm going to listen to Lori Mckenna. She's my singer/songwriter heroine I've decided. She has so much soul... and simply listening to her soul... brings me to tears. I want to write like that. I also. Would love to see her in concert/meet her.

Set Free

concentrate.

feel the beat.

listen up.

focus now.

breathe.

take some time.

don’t hesitate.

aim your arrow.

steady.

calm your mind.

one thing, at a time.

put away distractions.

leave the perturbation.

go. and do.

live your life.

search and question.

try. and be.

finally. love. and set free.

Desperation

Desperation.
See. I was calling out your name.
And. I didn't think you heard me.
So. I ran.
I ran... as fast as I could and as fast as I can.
I ran.

Desperation.
Not wanting to withstand, what really sits in my soul.
It wasn't you that didn't hear me.
I didn't want to face up. I didn't want you to see how much I screwed up.
I didn't want to admit that I'm not enough.

Desperation.
Woke up in loneliness.
Drowning in my sorrows.
My soul, crying out for freedom.
My heart, feeling heavier than it's ever been.


I didn't know what was wrong. The sun was still shining down, shining strong.
I was so desperate for love. affection. satisfaction.
But I couldn't own up to what was holding me back.
I couldn't face the facts.
I couldn't really look at the bottom of the cup and see the reflections of all the ugliness.

Desperation.
To fix everything.
But. Not the problem.
To be everything for everyone.
But. Not my true self.

Desperation.
To appear unbroken.
To please the world with a smile.

Desperation.
To really be seen for exactly who you are.

Thoughts with Jane

I continue to struggle with the same things, all the time.
Sometimes, I am secure in my Abba, He is my Father and I am His child. Then, some time goes by and I forget. I forget how precious I am to Him.
I start relying on people... for the things I NEED to rely on Him for.
It can become so bad, and so messy, and so sad...
I start relying on my friends, for my happines, my security. I was catching up with a summer staffer tonight and she was sharing some of her thoughts about the same thing, she said "it's unfair for me to put that expectation on my friends."
My completeness should be coming from God.
Sometimes, I am do really well with my completeness in God. Other times... I feel so foolish, for always coming back to this. I feel like... I can't move on until I deal with this. I want to be grounded in God, I won't be able to get anywhere else if I'm not.

Slightly change of subject, but my conversation with my summer staffer was fantastic and on point. I have felt distant from God, but not really, because in this perfect [on paper] Christian setting, I am surrounded by God and His Word. I don't feel like something is wrong in my relation with God, but I don't feel good about it either. We talked about how a Christian atmosphere can be nurturing or stifling. I said to her... in Guatemala, it was nurturing, then I realized it was because usually... I was outside of my comfort zone.
Once again. We are not called to be comfortable and I have challenges in front of my face that first of all, I should bring to Jesus and second of all, will push me out of my comfort zone. Because... I don't want to be nice to someone who's being a jerk to me.  But... that's what Jesus' wants and where He goes, I'll go.

Yeah... Abba used that girl tonight to speak to me (thank you to both)... and He got through pretty clear.

Abba, thank you for your Holy Spirit, that intercedes on my behalf, even when I'm not intentional. Thank you, for speaking to me through people and patiently waiting for my response. You are so gracious, Abba.

Light

The symbolism of light is pretty... intense.
If you sit there and think about it enough.
I did... I'm taking a class that is studying the Gospel of John. 9 times. It is mentioned at least 9 times in the book of John, chapters 1-12.
I've only scratched the surface of it too...
I mean... light... is so dynamic. As I came on here deciding what to write about and named this post, I wondered what kind of picture I could use. Then, I thought about how photographers play with light.
Now... I'm thinking how important light is.... photographers need it... without it... well, their pictures would probably come out pretty crappy, unless they know exactly what they are doing.
And, we need it. I love it. I love well lit areas.
I cried the first day I went to Nyack because there were no ceiling lights in my dorm room. Yeah. I love light that much.
I can't stand (granted, I can tolerate them much better) dim lit areas. It depends on what I'm doing.

But... okay... getting side-tracked here. Light in the Bible. Jesus is the light of the world. (John 8:12) God is light (1 John 1:5). And... then all the other times (that I've studied) Jesus continually talks about stumbling in the darkness and then 1 John (2:9-11) tells us that in order to live in the light we need to love our fellow believers. And, get this... if we hate our fellow believers, we're living in the dark.

Here's another aspect of light. You know the saying... "I've seen the light!" Where did that come from?!
God is truth. God is light. truth=light.
When people say that... they've recognized the folly of their ways, haven't they?

Light. It shows all the flaws, it is not deceitful. In the dark... it's dangerous and secretive... it's scary.
Granted... darkness does have its place. But... when we're in the light, we're showing the world who we are and we're living in truth. And truth... that results in community.

That. was a tangent. But... I got excited about it and wanted to share my thoughts.

Live in Light, friends.

Could

My mind is unsettled, for all the things I did not do today.
The squandered opportunities.
The chances I could have taken to make a difference.
The work that could have been accomplished.

I can't go back and change what I did and did not do.
I can only look forward and move ahead.
Yet, here I am... twidling my thumbs, hoping that if I worry about it enough... something will change.
It will not. It never does.
I've stayed awake countless nights, hoping that somehow, in the morning... it will go away.

Here I am again... staying awake, hoping the world will disappear.
I bring these things upon myself, I know.
I could do so much better with the things I've been given.
So much good could be accomplished.

I could be a better friend. a better daughter. a better granddaughter. a better cousin. a better christian.
I could be thinner. healthier. more studious. more artistic. more outgoing. more fearless.
I could be striving to be perfect.... because I am.... I am striving for perfection. But... I'm not and I will never make it there.
I could stop beating myself up. I could stop trying to do this on my own.
I could start giving it up to Abba, giving Him control.
I could start listening, start seeing, start being.... whatever Abba is calling me.

Today... was a waste. Tomorrow... is a new day. His mercies are new.

Grace, Security, Rest and Struggles

God's grace.... that is all I have in this life, and currently it is all I can rest in to give myself peace of mind. I've had a case of the crazies this week. Every little thing, ripping my mind apart.
I always stake my identity in the wrong things. Labels, music, friends, sickness even. Anything that I think gives me a clear idea of who and what I am and how to live.
And I've been challenged. Always, always challenged... the more I learn and the more I experience, the more I can relate to others. The more I see the pain other people are dealing with.
It breaks my heart to think about the things that some people go through. I am so thankful for the faith some of my friends have in Jesus, and the security they have in Him as well.
Yeah. They'll be the first to admit they are just as scared as I am. But they haven't given up.

I don't know where my journey is leading me... I don't know if or how my life will change drastically in the next year. I'm scared... I'm so afraid of the repercussions of my choices. But, nothing separates me from the love of my Abba. Nothing.

THAT is ALL I can rest in. THAT is my security.

Here ya go world. I struggle with my identity in God. I can't comprehend His love for me. I've always struggled with it, and I probably always will. But, I do want to be complete in Him.
I am struggling. I am not as strong as I pretend to be... please, pray for me if you will.

Purpose

Some things never change and some things, thank God, do.

As I have begun my senior year of college, and wondered where it went, I look back at all the changes. I look back through all the friends I have made, I look back at each year and know I was in a different place each time. I look back and I see the Constant.
These thoughts brought me to tears today during worship. So thankful for every individual that Abba has brought into my life. So thankful for the dear friends that have stuck with me since we began this journey.
So overwhelmed with Abba's love for me... to take the care into forming this world and giving me a place in it.
This summer God spoke to me a lot about community and gave me an idea of what that looks like. He's given me a somewhat clear picture of how I am suppose to live my life, according to His will. Of course, I'm not sure how it's going to look, exactly. But, I know it's something I can't do on my own, and I keep getting hung up on that part... I keep looking at it independently. I bring this up, because taking that risk is scary!! And as I told a friend- "I know, Jesus takes care of the birds. But... I'm not a bird!" And, he gently reminded me- "you're right, you're not a bird, you are more important to God than the birds. So, if God takes care of them, He's going to take care of you."

Honestly... God has given me no reason to doubt Him. But my head and heart knowledge are not on the same page. And as a human; I want control. But, as I have also recently read in Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" I need to get over myself; like I said earlier, God gave me a place in HIS world, I don't call the shots.

Ha... I started this post on a completely different topic.
I guess... senior year is for this; to figure out what's next.

God is not a Man

So, the other night in Vespers our speaker prayed, "Mother, God..." and... then, of course people started freaking out... well, from what I've seen via media outlets. Which is fine, I understand the tension of calling God a woman. I'm not calling God a woman. I'm also not going to call him a man. Yes, dominantly, the character traits we put on God are masculine. 

But, there are beautiful characteristics that come from our mothers. I want to think of God with those characteristics as well, not just strong and protective. Yes, those are wonderful characteristics of God. And I do not want to be without those, but... I want to think of God as nurturing and gentle as well. I want to think of God holding me closely and being kind, and attentive.
I just wish people would look at this other side of God. Because God is not a man. There is a song, by Michael Gungor entitled "God is Not a White Man"
These are some of his lyrics:
God is not a man
God is not a white man
God is not a man sitting on a cloud

God cannot be bought
God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion


God is love. 

Really, meditate on those lyrics. I think we're all guilty of putting God in a box, and part of that box is giving him a gender. 

This is it

"If it's still in your mind, it is worth taking the risk."

I've had this plan, in my head since 2009. After college, I was going to do this.
After college... that's eight months or so away. EIGHT.
It felt like... I thought... college, doesn't last forever. The wonderful friends that turned into my family, some of them practically overnight... we're all gonna split ways... oh my gosh. hello college nostalgia.

College. What a crazy adventure this has been... I'm not at all the person I was coming into this place. No, I am, I am the same person, but Abba has done, mighty, mighty things in me. My views on life have changed.

I've also left some things on this journey, and have been returning to these things recently. That is where my heart has always been... I am so passionate about these things. And to not be involved where my passions lie, that would be for naught, I want to use my passions and I want to use my abilities to futher God's kingdom.
These things are instilled within me, and to deny them would be for shame.
After college. A huge step. A risk and a commitment that I want to make.
I need to do my best and I need to go where I feel Abba calling me.

How exciting is this life I have been given.

Humble Oneself

So... I just wrote this "Learning Statement" - what my Prof. calls them, about the Gospel of John... although I talked almost more about 1 John, but I brought it back to the gospel and I brought it to John 13 where Jesus washes his disciples feet.
See... feet are dirty and filthy, and Jesus humbled himself to wash that mess, and he told the disciples too, "follow my example." Because, there's this wonderfulness behind that dirty mess, there's potential in everyone to do good things.
So, basically I want to see that potential in others, and I think that is my way to humble myself.

Like I said in my last post, I struggled this summer when I got home. And, I don't give my parents enough credit. They are my biggest supporters, and they probably believe the most in me (I guess that's kinda what parents do though). I tell my mom that I have an idea, and she is more than willing to put some fire into my heart for it and give me the tools to achieve my passions. My dad... is trying. When I speak out about what's wrong, he wants to fix it... he wants to change it.

"Everybody needs compassion." right? Yeah, even the parents. They can't be perfect, just like their offspring can't either.

Summer vs Life

So... my summer wasn't over when I came home from Guatemala.

But, I let a lot of bitterness and resentment creep in my heart. I always imagine vines growing and then completely covering up a heart and choking it and squeezing it, taking out the life.

Because that's what those things do. I lost sight of everything I had learned because of one thing that didn't go the way I wanted it to.

I'm completely selfish... I still have so much to work on.

My prayer for this summer, as I posted on facebook was this :

for an open heart, a tender heart, a willing heart.
for new eyes, a fresh mind, and a pure soul.
for strength, to be vulnerable, to be humble, to be love.

But. Here's the thing. That should not be my prayer only for this past summer. It should be for my life. His mercies are new every morning. Why shouldn't the way I view the world be new too? Why did I find it so important to live this way this summer, in Guatemala, but am not finding it as important here?

Things to chew on my friends, things to chew on...

and trust me, I'm chewing.

Stuck

I wrote this a couple weeks ago, and didn't finish it. Finished it this afternoon. Just the last five lines though. Sometimes... I like to pretend I'm a writer.

Thinking. Believing. Hopeing. Praying.

Remembering. Wanting. Needing.

Becoming lost... in thought, in mind. Everything unwinds.

When it comes to your heart, people are worse than robbers in your house.

Taking chances. Trusting. Circumstances.

Breaking. Crying. Hurting. Lying.

All these things cave in, sink in, make your body shake.

There's never a break.

Once you take that break, it's over, it's complete.

There's nothing to return to.

Nothing stays the same.

You don't change now, you don't begin now. You NEVER WILL.

So, you sit there, you mope, you whine, you complain.

But you never GET UP, you never SHAPE UP, you never look outside of yourself to see the differences. You wait. For a silver platter and a silver spoon.

Shut up. Just shut up. Don't give up. Don't let those lies spill inside your head. You're better than that, you were made for more than that. There is nothing in this world that can stop you from accomplishing your dreams. There is no one in this world that can have power over your soul, your spirits.

You know better.

Don't let them defeat you. They will come at you.

With evils, far beyond your control.

Be everything that lives inside you.

Breathe the breath that God has given you.

Rise above and put the past behind you.

New things are ahead of you. New things to conquer and behold.

New things that God wants to unfold.

Your eyes won't deceive you. Your heart won't leave you.

Learn to fall in love. Become unstuck.

Learn to trust, again.

God is Masterful

Actually... I call Him that a lot.

He astounds me.

The plans He comes up with, the things He puts together, the things He creates...

What an amazing God I serve.

I wander around this earth, literally, and half the time not knowing what the heck I'm doing... taking opportunities as I see them, as I see fit for my life... and God takes my wanderings and directs them. [Okay... I was not going there when I began, but that is a Pslam, pretty sure, and there's more proof of how God directs my paths.]

I have been so blessed because of His Masterfulness.

I have been to Central America, three times now and... only once had I made a plan to go there, and God takes this little mess of a life and transforms it there... I meet God in Central America and I experience Him in new ways, everytime...

I have met wonderful people, who inspire me, who love me, and only through God's planning have I been blessed with their presence in my life.

It is only through Him, my life is orchestrated in some eloquent order. Because... I don't know what I'm doing. I'm as flighty as a bird. That's actually not true... belief is one of my top strengths... I hold pretty tightly to them. For the things I know to be true.

God being a Master designer and planner and creator. That is true.

Jesus is Present

Today, I sat in a court house.

I saw convicts... I saw young people, I saw hurt and pain, I saw brokenness.

I saw professionals, I saw justice-makers.

I was afraid. I felt uncomfortable as men looked at me. I was angry. I wanted the right thing to be done. I was present. I was there for family.

Jesus, was also there with me. As my chest tightened over the constant rising of tension, as my hands shook over the decisions and discussions being made... I felt the necklace I constantly wear around my neck, impressing into my chest. I was reminded of His presence.

I was reminded that Jesus died so that I didn't have to be fearful, I was reminded that Jesus was beside me the whole time. I was reminded that Jesus was holding me and slaying the dragon [jj heller- keep you safe].

I was reminded... that where ever I am. Guatemala. School. Home. Here. Jesus is always and has always been there to be my best friend. To always stand beside me and comfort me in my times of loneliness, in my times of fearfulness, and in my times of desperateness. He has never, ever deserted me.

Jesus is present.

Dear Guatemala

Dear Guatemala,

I'm going to be honest with you. I was really resistent to you when I got here. I have a huge heart for Honduras... and well, basically you aren't Honduras. I didn't want to fall in love with you. But, now that I'm leaving and saying goodbye after goodbye. I have a special place in my heart for you as well.

Your people are the most gracious, young and old alike. Their smiles make me smile, just thinking about them. Your landscape is beautiful and I will miss waking up to your mountains every morning. The memories I have here will always be with me.

I thank God for bringing me here, Guatemala.

Your struggles are endless, and I thank you for sharing them with me, so openly. Thank you for letting me in to your homes and being vulnerable with your lives. Thank you for changing me, Guatemala. Thank you for giving me the inspiration and courage to live out my faith in the way that I know I have been called to.

Guatemala, I will miss you and I will be praying for you.

Hasta Pronto, Guatemala, Hasta Pronto.

God is Alive

Today is our day off, soon enough though... I'll have many days off.

The new summer staff arrived last week, and this week the current (I refuse to call us old) summer staff will be showing them the ropes.

Saturday was a long emotional and quite stressful day, all the teams left and so did one of our own. I have been so overwhelmed with emotions this past week over the realization that my time here is coming to an end.

I'm happy to go home and I think it would be good for me to be home right now as well, due to a stressful situation brewing.

I don't think it is going to be easy though. I think God is going to keep growing me at home. I pray that I continue to fellowship with God as much as I have been here. I'm so worried that this adventure will turn into a spiritual-summer-high, and I'm just not okay with that.

2 months. I spent two entire months in another country. I have learned so much. I am so grateful for this opportunity. I'm also very grateful for my family for supporting me as much as they have and do.

I came here, first and foremost for school, and relationships were the last thing on my mind. It was suppose to be work and a job, but God brought me here for something entirely different.

The full-time staff here are the most inspiring people I have met. Nic and Maurine are an amazing couple who has always lived their lives radically for Jesus. Jose resonates God's joyfulness and goodness. Nivia and Nineth are full-time students as well as full-time staff, the work load they are under astounds me. Those are only a few.... they all serve here with the most dedication and love for Christ that I have ever been surrounded by.

I think you can see... with this positive atmosphere, why it is going to be so hard to leave.

Not to mention summer staff, who have been a very supportive clan. But... luckily, I get to take one home with me, cause we attend the same school. (GC represents)

God is fully present and alive here. But, God is also fully alive in me.

All I Want

All I want is to see the best in everybody.

I want to look past the things that irritate me and continue to love them.

All I want is to suck up my pride and humble myself.

I want to reflect Jesus, not myself, because I know when it comes down to it, I'm pretty ugly.

All I want is to trust.

I want to believe that when the chair is sweeped from underneath me, Jesus will catch me.

I want to be okay with having nothing at all.

All I want is to have enough courage to live out my life radically.

Regardless of the consequences.

Regardless of the preconceived notions.

Regardless of myself.

Regardless of the future.

All I want is to give up myself and my wants and to look at what's best for others.

I want to live like and I want to live for - Jesus.

God is Patient

I am like a little snot-nosed kid that stomps her feet until she gets her way.

Those kids are obnoxious! I don't know why God puts up with it.

I'm kind of exaggerating, and kind of not... I feel like some people would have things to say about my first statement... that honestly, I don't want to hear!

So, I came here this summer knowing that God was asking for my whole life, not bits and pieces. Also, wanting to know the outcome of my life.

I came here feeling completely inadequate, and in my weaknesses, God was my strength.

Giving up myself to Jesus' will is a choice I need to make everyday, every morning. Last Thursday, when I gave my testimony, one of the summer staffers prayed that I was so willing to do God's will... and when she prayed that, I thought to myself, that's not true. Well, okay, it is. I just haven't completely acquired the courage to do it. God's working on me though and the great thing about God is that He is patient.

He's been sitting around in Heaven this whole time (aka summer, year, life) being all clever on me. Putting things in my way to WAKE me up. Guiding me, the entire time. No experience is a mistake. Each experience in my life has led me to the exact place at the exact time.

Pouring out His Joy

Not completely sure where I'm going with this post.

But, yesterday I switched sites and went to the Child Sponsorship site, which was fine until our house visit in the afternoon.

It wasn't the poor conditions of the house. It was this woman's story, as she poured out to us all the crappy things that has happened to her in the past and the trial she is currently going through. But I saw the joy she received from her three daughters and I saw her strength in her recently refounded faith.

As I listened to her story, I realized that she's probably seen more sorrowful days than joyful, and that breaks my heart because, I on the other hand have had my share of sorrowful days, but my joyful ones are overflowing. With that... I have honestly felt guilty. Of course, I know that I shouldn't feel that way, I have no reason to... God has blessed me and there is nothing wrong with that.

Yesterday, I also shared my testimony during the summer staff meeting (it was my turn!) and then we traditionally pray for the person who just shared. Common denominator: I am filled with joy and it is contagious. (not trying to be conceited here)

I think joy is one of the gifts God has given me and one that I need to use for His glory. There's been numerous times this summer that I have recognized my ability to bring a smile to someone's face, wether it be through the acknowledment of the elderly at the nursing home or the children I have played with, through the people I have hugged or through my conversations with friends. And this, fills me with more joy.

I also realized yesterday that Romans 12:15 needs to be lived out.

Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.

I stopped myself from crying, but Jesus wept with those who are weeping.

It was good for me to see and meet that family, to be faced with that reality of Guatemala. I've been running around with Media, loving it every bit, but missing the facts.

Today, I did my "job" differently, I poured out my joy as much as I could, because it is something God has given me and it is something I want to share. Because it's God's.

Children

I love how children are so unashamedly, unafraid to approach people.

I've been having a rough couple days with some personal things and I went on site today after reading a sucky email, and just wanted to cry. So, I spill out what's up to one of my summer staffers and he gives me a hug and he tells me to leave that behind and concentrate on the task at hand.

These beautiful children that I can love on and be loved on in return.

And as soon as I took my last sorry-for-myself breath, I turn around and this little guy is standing behind me and asks me to take a picture.

Then of course he wanted to see the picture... and then he wanted to use the fancy camera. So at first I kept the strap around my neck as I let him play and he took numerous pictures of the most random things, but then he wanted to take a picture of me, so I let him. Then he also proceeded in telling me to take pictures of random things, and I obliged.

And, then I wanted a picture of the two of us, so I asked the same encouraging summer staffer that I mentioned above to take it. And... just like that, this child made all those worries go away, because it isn't about grades or school or home or time or me and my wants. It's about God. It's about love. And God is love. And without love, life is pointless and everything is dead.

Thank you little children. Thank you Abba.

Lay 'em down

I'm pretty ridiculous.

We are the masters of keeping ourselves, our facades in place and showing the world that we are GREAT. That we're just a bucket of sunshine and freakin roses.

Lies.... it's all lies. Nobody, nobody has it all together. And... I'm no exception.

I constantly let my pride get in the way of my vulnerability.

And... I feel like I write a post about this too much. Seemingly, always struggling with the same thing... I've heard two things recently about this. 1) "Even after 20 years... this is still affecting her." 2) "maybe those are the things we're suppose to lean on Jesus with."

This is part of who I am, I suppose... and I suppose I do need to learn to give it to Jesus, because.. I don't want it to still affect me in 20 years, at least... not in the same way, not as powerful as it does today.

I'm so afraid of being a burden to others. Which is stupid, because as Christians, we are there for each others burdens.... but our society, just doesn't approve of that and unfortunately I've let our society get the best of me in this area.

I don't want to get hurt. None of us do. Personally, I just feel like I've been through the ringer on this getting hurt thing enough times... and I realize, it's going to happen, and I need to just get over this, because people are here to help and a Christian community should be more than willing to carry each others burdens... and if they're not... then it's probably time to find a new community.

So... I'm going to try. To lay these burdens down. Sort through the muck in my head that desperately needs to be dealt with. Lean on Jesus and lean on the community God has given me.

God is Rest

It's been two long weeks.

High schoolers came in, and they are exhausting! Okay... here's the thing. These were not ordinary high schoolers... they were upper class californian prep high schoolers. And. I think it would be fair to say Guatemala probably blew their minds.

I know when I went to Nicaragua in high school it blew mine, I also was young and more immature; that I really did not understand everything I was taking in.

So... I can put myself in their shoes... but that still didn't make it much easier.

I was blessed with a good group at my site... overall, hit a little speed bump with one member, but I spoke to that person and they apologized, and we moved on.

What to say... my heart was probably not in the right place these past two weeks. I didn't try as hard as I could have... as I should have. Honestly, feel worn out...

Continually feel inadequate about a variety of things, but I keep asking God to humble me... so maybe that's my answered prayer.

And... I feel lost. I feel like maybe I'm not cut out for missions after all, because I miss home. I caught myself saying "I cannot imagine..." not being able to enjoy certain things that the United States offers me. I'm not sure what I'm doing with my life, or where I'm going.

I was talking to one of the leaders from one of the groups and I told her that "I was just leaving it up to God, I don't know where He wants me... but I'm willing to go wherever." She told me she completely agreed, that she never really had a plan, which really bothers some people, but she is happy and the Lord is leading her. I really appreciated my talks with her... they were probably the most uplifting of my two weeks.

And... that's all the Lord asks of me, is a willing heart. But... if I'm being honest there are some things I'm not being willing about, because... it's too complicated to change now. Lord, please deal with me.

Summer Staff

I've been in Guate too long... not really, but as I typed the title of this post I said it with an accent in my head like the Guatemalans do. Too cute... haha....

But. Seriously. I am so blessed by these crazies. So, unexpectedly blessed. I love how real they each are and I love being in communion with them. We each are very unique and bring something completely different and needed to the table of summer staff.

So, Abba, I lift up my friends to you- Allie, Jamie, Sydney Jane, Mo-Mo, Timothy and Reba! Thank you for blessing me and putting us together in your masterful plan. Let us continue to grow together and learn from each other. Thank you for giving us the time we have together, it is precious.

God is Giving

The graciousness of these people keep astounding me.

Yet again, another lesson that I have been learning here in Guatemala is that not only am I trying to be Jesus to these people, but these people are also Jesus.

To see Jesus in these people. God’s presence. Jose, my site leader, his goal is to always capture God’s presence in our photos.

Today we tagged along with the Art Site and made some home visits. One room living conditions... darkness, flies, dirty cement floor, and a loving family of 7.

The one boy goes to the art school, and he actually sells his paintings to help earn money for his family. I sat there observing, and I could see how proud his mother was of him, and I could feel the love of God resonating in that room.

His family proceeded in handing everyone a glass of orange juice. These people do not have much. One lesson I can learn from them; is to be more giving. If they can give to us, people who have done nothing for them, than I, who has a numerous amount of things can give to others as well.

God gives... with no expectation of receiving anything in return. This is what love is.

Inspiration

Oh, these women inspire me so much so.

To be as strong as a Guatemalan woman... I aspire to be a strong woman... in point blank, and in God. Guatemalans themselves are troopers... but these woman... carrying baskets on their heads up steep hills... living in awful conditions. I just don't understand how they do it.

I am so blessed!

These people work so hard for everything they have.

My host mom was telling my roommate and I (of course, I was retold what was being said by my roommate, but I did get a general idea of what they were talking about) about how she grew up. There are little girls in Antigua that work in Central Park and they come up and ask us to buy jewlery, gum, all sorts of things. That was Blanca's life growing up, but not only that, her other job/living situation she had to climb a mountain to work in order to be fed that day.

The fact that she so openly is hosting us amazes me, she just gives us food... and we haven't done anything to deserve it. She is so gracious.

So. My desire as an older lady is this: strength, graciousness, kindness, loving and godly.

And... the less important but important enough stuff to me: joyfulness and insaneness... because it comes with a cape and cookies.

This is What I do.

So, to be clear. This summer I'm spending 8 weeks in Guatemala working for Students International. I am on the media team; I visit all the other sites throughout the week and take pictures of what the students are doing, I also am able to help at these other sites as well. These are only a few pictures I have taken thus far (all from today actually).

Appropriate Technology

El Gorrion

El Gorrion

God is Joy

Just one thing God has put on repeat this past week. JOY.

And... I just found John 15: 9-17 to sum that up.

Today was an emotionally hard day. We started with a pig crastration, and then fed children who are disabled.

This child... was a mess. God's beautiful mess. He would not eat for me at first and then soon enough, he did. Then as I continued to feed him, he started laughing and continued laughing for a good 5-10 minutes.

There were so many children who couldn't do anything for themselves. And so many questions started pouring into my mind as to why and how and what. I don't understand it...

But, this boy who solely depends on other people for survival, was laughing and smiling and he filled my heart with joy. I have no reason to not be as happy as that boy when things are going wrong in my life.

Joy and peace. This is what sets me apart from people who don't know Jesus. At least, it should- there should be this internal prescense of Abba in me, all the time.

Always. Trusting in the knowledge that everything belongs to Him- my talents, my body, my relationships, my things, my life.

He gives and takes away- nothing in mine in the first place. James 1:2-4

God is Sustaining

Tried to update this last night, but my computer died! Oh no!

I've been here about a week now and I cannot tell you how inadequate I have felt. Time and again- I didn't realize how important my spanish skills were...

It has been of the hardest things to deal with.

My host family doesn't know english at all, yet God has looked out for me and my roommate is pretty much a pro. My host family is also incredibly precious; with four little girls and the biggest hearts- they feed us every morning.

God is very good.

Even though I feel like I shouldn't be here, I am here and I know God has a reason for me being here, just like every other part of my life. I know, even though I don't at the time, He always has a plan. He has comforted me and has placed encouragement in my life exactly when I need it.

I'm working at the media site this summer with Jose and thankfully he speaks english. He also said he would love to help me learn.

Another "full-timer," Nick (who just turned 40) also encourage me just the other night. He said quite a bit that spoke into my life, but what's most important is that he told me to take risks and ask questions. I really just appreciated everything he had to say and he basically reiterated everything that has been swimming in my head lately.

It is not enough that I am here. I have to go out of my way. I have to give up myself to be everything God is asking of me.

And how silly of me... I just told a friend that God's refining process is not a painless thing. Let me eat my words.

"Put down your pride Chelsea Elizabeth, become a "fool." This is not about you, and it never has been. Be My hands, Be my feet. All for My Glory. Become uncomfortable, become vulnerable, become a vessel. Be unafraid."

Go-go-go!!

Oh no!

It's absolutely crazy. I've been running around, hardly catching a breath. Not true, I'm pretty good at procrastinating... but the whole time I'm procrastinating I'm worrying about what I'm procrastinating about- it even takes me away from sleeping peacefully during a nap.

Yeah.

Cause... that's important.

But.... I packed all weekend, got all of my stuff in the storage unit, and now I'm cramming out exams. Then tomorrow after my last exam I am crashing in my roommate's bed until I have to get up for my flight. Not true, I'm gonna get up two hours earlier so I can say goodbyes. Oh goodbyes... I'm so blessed to have people to say goodbye to.

Also... I'm really blessed to have so many good friends to give my stuff to, to take care of over the summer. I really don't like to ask for help and especially when I'm asking them to take on a responsibility, but... maybe I'm suppose to learn something from that, everyone tells me it's fine, but it's still pretty uncomfortable.

Uncomfortability. That should be what my summer is like. As soon as I'm done with school... yikes.

Guatemala

I can't believe I'm going to be back in Central America in 2 weeks... I haven't really felt like I've been given time to think about it too much. In fact, I'll be heading straight from school to Guatemala, which is insane.

I'm starting to get pretty excited about it though, God will do great things. I "secretely" hope that I will be able to work at an orphanage while I'm down there at least for a little time.

I fall more and more in love with Central America everytime I'm there... my Honduras/ El Salvador experience was amazing and life-changing... I can't even imagine what God will do this summer... and honestly, that scares me a bit.

I really need to pull up my pants though and be open and prepared for whatever... WHATEVER He asks of me... after all, He's worth it.

I'm tiny

God- thank you for showing me recently how SMALL I am.

Here's the thing Lord, I know I've been a mess lately, and I'm still not so sure about what I'm doing... but I feel like I'm doing something, sort of right, but I'm doing it all wrong at the same time. That doesn't make any sense does it?

That's okay- it doesn't need to make sense to you. It makes sense to me.

I don't like myself very much, and it's not healthy and God's working on it with me... I know that the distortion I see of myself is not of Him, and it hurts Him.

But, I think it's been good to be knocked off my little pedestal and see the world from down here. God has really just torn me down, thankfully I still have His foundation, where His word rests. I'm starting from the bottom, relearning how to be a Christian. No... a Jesus Follower.

There is so many negative connotations with church and christian... and it's so sad. I don't want to be that to someone.

But... God is changing me, and I'm still struggling to be at peace with myself and with Him and giving up my will... but it's happening and it's good, and I know He is good, and I just want to let Him work in me, I just don't want to take His credit anymore and I want to love people for who they are.

And, it's not something that will happen overnight, it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. But, God's going to be right beside me and this is all Him, He will take over me.

Failure

I'm gonna try to be an open book right now.

I'm filled with a lot of shame, fear, doubt and confusion.

I suppose the confusion wouldn't be a problem if I gave myself some time to stop and think things through... and maybe even actually pray.

I don't want to pray though... I don't want to talk to God about all these things going through my head. I'm afraid. Not of what He will say or do, because it's nothing like that, I'm more afraid of myself really. It's not like I don't consider myself a believer right now, I do, I'm just lost.

I don't know how to come before God right now... because of my shame.

It's breaking me, but not in a good way.

It's pulling me away from everything and everyone good in my life, I don't feel able to pray for my dear friends and loved ones because I can't go to God.

How messed up is that? I love my friends... and I love God and I want to serve Him with everything, but how can I when I won't even talk to Him. How can I serve and love others if I'm not in communion with my Heavenly Father? I just feel so much shame that I don't know how to talk to my friends about what's going on either.

I'm letting everyone down, and I'm hurting my Abba, and I'm hurting myself... and ignoring my issues isn't doing any good, I know this, I know that they're going to fall right on top of me and I'm going to hit the bottom like the ton of bricks that I feel inside my chest.

I can't even be in the same room with people praying. I feel like the biggest hypocrite of them all.

I am a failure... I am.

My Heart

God, thank you for opening my heart.

Thank you for HOLDING my heart.

I am not capable of much without you in it.

God, thank you for holding my friends in your hands, and wrapping them in your arms. Abba, they need You, I need You.

Thank you for my best friends, who have gone through so much. Thank you for my new floor mates and their hearts and stories and lives. Thank you for my amazing roommate and her heart and friendship and for placing her in my life at the exact right timing.

Thank you for my family... each and every one of them, my parents, my grandparents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. Lord... they need you, please use me.

God... most of all thank you for blessing my life. Please help me not to take it for granted. I owe you so much. Oh, Abba, thank you for giving your Son for my life, for my sins. I do not deserve your love, but Abba... I desire to pour out your love from my heart.

Abba, please be with the broken, the burdened... there are so many people searching for You.

My heart has been heavy lately for the people that surround me... even at a Christian school there is so much brokenness... people you assume know God, recognize what He has done for them... and so many of these people are broken and suffering, just like the rest. Even my friends... my friends who I know love and trust God; who are doing the best they can with what they've got.

Nobody's got it together... and everybody has something going on, everyone has a past they are dragging like the heaviest weight on their shoulders.

I came to a discussion, twice this night about being real. If everyone was open, real and honest... oh to be so unafraid. My heart is too unbrave. But that's what God is calling us to be, real. Real lovers, real forgivers, real peacemakers, real givers, real tryers, real people.

The Ugly Truth...

This is where I am at:

I've been miserable. I have not been the Christian I ought to be...

I've let lies into my head and completely consume me.

I have not been slow to anger.

I have not shown my friends the love they deserve.

I've been destroying myself and my relationships.

I've been selfish. Really, selfish.

I have been putting other gods before God.

I've been trying to be someone that I cannot ever be.

I am broken.

I do not live up to the expectations I put on myself and I tear myself down.

God says I am beautiful... and wonderful and worthwhile.

God says I am worth all the time in the world, and that I have something to offer.

God, give me a clean heart and a clean mind. I want to be pure in Your sight.

I want to put away the things of this world.

I want to stop listening to all the lies... please, Lord speak to me truth when lies enter my mind. Humble me... simply humble me.