Well...

I used to write in this more casually...

Oh well.

I did something today that I really, really like! But... I want to keep it a secret for the time being... Don't I make some of you oh so curious?? Ha!

Sorry... everyone will know in the next two weeks, give or take.

I can't even post a picture yet!

I hate keeping secrets.

Yeah... I think that is more or less correct. Not to say I can't keep them, I can. I would never betray someone's trust knowingly.

I'm leaving Friday to head up to my friend's wedding. I'm pretty excited. I haven't seen all of the people I'm about to see since January or December. I'm excited to see my best friends from Greenville and see my friends tie the knot! I'm just plain excited. It's gonna be next Monday so soon.... and then... it'll be August 6 before I know it... and then... I'll be headed to school before I know it... and SUMMER IS OVER.

Ugh! That's what it feels like... I'm still not looking forward to school... I would like to just live in my parents basement forever... and cook and clean for them... yeah.... and work on my music. Yeah.... right....

That's not true either though, at this point I just want to graduate even though I feel like I just finished high school and college is gonna be over before I know it... and as much as I want to move on with my life, I know I'm gonna miss it. There's a lot of stuff I want to do after I graduate, that I just can't do right now.

But... I know God's got it covered. See... Jeremiah 29:11 has been imprinted in my life this past year. If you don't know it... go memorize it right now, it's important! I remember the first time I was encouraged with this verse- my friend from El Salvador shared it with me, bless his heart! He's been a really good friend to me since we've met, he encourages me quite a bit actually through out our correspondence. But anyway... I'm writing all this to remind myself in the future to look back on this past school year and remember that God is in control of it all.

God's really good... and He orchestrates things, a lot of things that we don't understand when we are in the midst of it, but it is always for our good.

Check out Kickball a Rob Bell/ Nooma video. This story Rob Bell tells about his son is an incredible analogy of how God is always looking out for our best interests.

I was shown this video first in 2005 with Musicon Ministries, and it held a very special place in my heart. In a month, God had again shown me this video to speak to me, not once but twice.

Loving a Person

"Loving a person just the way they are is no small thing..." Sara Groves.

I encourage you to look up this song in whole either by listening or reading the lyrics or both.

But this came on today as I picked up my parents from the airport and rolled my eyes in frustration towards them... made me bite my tongue.

And even right now... I'm frustrated with a few things.

I tried to do a "vlog" about it... but I just didn't care too much for it when all was said and done. I wasn't even going to continue posting up a blog at all. But, something in me is telling me to.

My "vlog" (I think that is a dumb word hence the quotations) wasn't even about my parents. It was about me and my stupid school decision... ONCE AGAIN.

I'm fine with my decision... it's the outcome that makes me nervous you know? That chess player in me I guess. I should stop blaming that.

It's not even that... it's people. It's always people! It's about the thoughts that people will have about me. Which shouldn't even matter....

I don't like loving and needing people more then they love or need me... it's such a vulnerable place to be in... it's a scary place to be in. All I want to want and to need is God. I need God. I love God.... and He loves me... but I don't show my love for Him nearly as much as I should... and I try to change and I do... for a day or two... but then I go back to my habits, my awful bad habits for another week before I feel sad and desperate again to spend time with Him.

I've been writing a song... the first line of the chorus goes like this "I know it's not easy to be everything that you don't want to be." When I first came up with that... I didn't even think it made sense, it just sounded good... it just came out of my mouth like so many other things do. But the more and more I digest that line... it means so much.

There are so many things I don't like about myself, that I want to change, some things I need to change because they're not God honoring. Some things... because other people don't like them.

To change these things... is so hard... I suppose it gets easier in time, sometimes.

And I keep finding myself so grateful that God knows about these things and chooses to look past them and love us in spite of them. Loving a person, just the way they are.

Another song from Sara Groves has the lyrics "I love because you loved me when I had nothing." Another reason why I am grateful... I have absolutely nothing to give Him in return (except my life) and He takes me... He takes me, with all of my imperfections...

Indecision

Remember how I wanted to talk about this topic?

Well... I can’t sleep, so I figured now was a good time to do this.

It doesn’t make me feel good about my decision though.

But... my decision, didn’t really have a right or wrong answer... and like I said as long as I’m honoring God with the little things... I’m golden.

Anyway... I’m not sure where to start.

When I first started studying this, I thought-- oh okay, indecisiveness isn’t a sin. But, the more I looked at it, it is. James 1:5-8 tells us to not be unwavering, to be steadfast and not double-minded. I guess some people say that this is talking more about “You can’t serve two masters, you will either hate the one and love the other.”

But it just doesn’t matter... indecisiveness draws you away from God, because instead of nurturing your gifts and growing in God... you put all of your focus on this decision you have to make. And... it sucks!

I don’t feel nearly as close to God as I did 6 months ago. In fact... a lot of the time I don’t feel like I know Him at all. I really let my relationship with God suffer this semester, and I’m not pleased with myself for it.

I like this definition of indecisiveness: “Indecisiveness is the inability to take a reasonable risk, to make a decision in a timely manner with limited information.”

Like I said in my last post... I really like to weigh out all my options. Make sure that the next move I make isn’t going to screw anything up... but anything can happen anywhere. I can’t expect anything... I need to stop expecting things... and just let life be.

And... I’m uncomfortable with my decision because I wonder if my heart isn’t in the right place. I believe it is in the right place... but I also know I’m not that selfless, and there are selfish motives behind my decision. I just don’t believe it to be at the core of my decision though.

I will leave you with two verses that I am finding to be very encouraging tonight:

-Isaiah 51:7

“Listen to me, you who know right from wrong, you who cherish my law in your hearts. Do not be afraid of people’s scorn, nor fear their insults.”

-Galatians 5:22-23

“When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Here there is no conflict with the law.”