Clean Slates

Every time I mess up, I want a clean slate.

In fact, I expect a clean slate... but I only get that clean slate with God’s grace and I have no right to expect God’s grace, He gives that freely, but I don’t really think it’s something we should treat as "free for the taking."

I messed up, I believe everything happens for a reason. So, I know the mess-ups happened to bring me where I am: flat on my face, humiliated, and searching. Although, I don’t think the search will be quite complete unless I get up from being on my face... so I plan on standing up.

I misused this blog these past couple months. Not all of my posts have held the mission I wanted to inflect. My posts were suppose to be about bringing glory to God and giving Him the credit for what goes on in my life. I know that my life is not my own. It belongs to Him, and I want to honor Him in my thoughts, words and actions.

But I haven’t been doing that; yeah... it’s harder to do when you’re falling apart and when you’re angry with God. But we’re suppose to praise God even through our sufferings. This is my challenge and that is what God has been teaching me lately.

Now listen, I’m not an open book... I don’t share every detail with every person, regardless of what you may think. So, you can take what I have written here as the full story, but it’s not, it’s what I want you to hear. You as in the person that I don’t exactly know who is reading. It’s not that what I write isn’t true, it’s just deep enough to be honest but not deep enough that you can penetrate my heart to the level of people whom I sincerely trust.

So, as much as I desire to delete all the ugly posts I have written in the past couple months.. I won’t. I can’t erase the past, but I can learn from it. If you want to hold my past and mistakes against me, then that is your will. Thankfully, God will always forgive me and thankfully I know I have friends that will always forgive me as well. I’m a work in progress... and I need all the work and help I can get.

This is my mission statement that I am asking anyone who reads my blog to keep me accountable to: This blog is to share what God is doing in me, what He is teaching me and showing me. This is to exclaim the joys of the life I’m given and the blessings He has inflicted upon me. This blog is for others to learn and understand who and what God is and what He desires from all of us.

And this is my public apology: I’m sorry for taking this blog out of context; in fact I’m sorry for allowing my other blog to do the same. Words are a dangerous weapon and I’m sorry that I used them against anyone. I want to be encouraging and uplifting, and I wasn’t. I’m asking forgiveness, but I will respect anyone’s choice in refusal.

Trust

Truth: the quality or state of being true

True: in accordance with fact and reality

The measurement of being in accordance with reality.

Honestly... I’ve been checking out for a while now. My head is filled with so many explanations. But, my words just aren’t enough.

I’ve been falling into depression. I don’t like to say that because I don’t think I know what true depression is. I’ve been falling apart though and I’m ashamed of my attitude, my actions, my words, but most of all I’m ashamed of myself. I want to hide under a rock and never come out...

I haven’t felt like myself since I’ve gotten to this school.

Change is hard...

We’re suppose to praise God at all times, even through our sufferings. I don’t ever praise God through my sufferings... I put Him in a corner until my life is the way I want it again.

I know... I should get on my hands and knees and cry out to God. I don’t trust Him nearly enough then I should...

I was talking to one of my oldest friends, she was telling me that she doesn’t trust anyone and I just couldn’t understand why, I wondered... what kind of life is one without trust? She asked me, do you trust anyone? I said, of course I do... I don’t share my life with people I don’t trust. I’ve been trying to live my life as an open book, as genuinely as I can and to be honest... it looked pretty nice, I looked like a smart, god-fearing, confident, independent woman. Lately... I look the complete opposite, when things don’t go the way I want... I throw a temper tantrum like a five year old, and I contort God’s will for my life to please me. I’m just as immature as I’ve ever been. I don’t trust anyone but myself... and it’s getting me in trouble.

I should trust the people who love me, who I love.

Trust: firm belief in the realiability, truth, ability, or strength of something or someone

Weekend Thoughts

I have experienced my first weekend at home as a college student. It was rather awesome. I really feel like it was a mini-vacation. It was nice to just get off campus, eat some edible food, and feel at home. The main purpose for going home was to see the Lion King on broadway, it was such an incredible show, and my friend from school came along, so it was a good bonding experience, it was fun to show someone my home.

I also went to my church that I have kind of given up on, but it was really nice to be there because the worship is what I longed for. I could open up my heart to God, and it has been so long. It made me miss that church, and it made me miss Greenville’s Chapel and Vespers.

That’s something that is really important to me... I can’t worship here the way I want to. And honestly, that is playing a huge part in my thinking processes of this place.

After this weekend and having the conversations I had, I believe that God will bless me with whatever I decide for my future, and I know that I am in His will. As long as I love people and seek after Him, stuff will and can go wrong, but... that’s life. And God wants me to be happy. Just like I know that is what my mom wants for me as well... to be happy. I believe that God wanted to see how much He could trust me, and just how much I would trust Him. I feel like I could have and should have done what I did with a better attitude, but I learned from this and I know I showed God that He can trust me.

But, like always, this is something I will continually pray about. In the end... I will be exactly where God wants me to be.

What you Sow, you Reap

The investment challenge is over.

That’s a lie. It will never officially be over. Investments need to be made everyday, if it’s schoolwork, relationships, or money. For me, it’s relationships and mainly my relationship with God.

So, as you know, if you keep up with this, God taught me about my identity and how it belongs to Him. Which of course is something I should have known all along, and I did know it, but... it clicked.

God also taught me to depend on Him, instead of being so dependent on my friends, I need to go to Him first, because He is the one that never changes. God wants us to go to Him, it makes Him happy to depend on Him. Dependency means we trust Him.

So, by the middle of the week, all I wanted to do was talk to my friends, and it’s not a bad thing to want to talk to your missed and beloved friends.... The first part of the week, it was cool because I was focusing on God, but then by the middle all I was doing was focusing on how I couldn’t talk to them. Which... lost the purpose of doing this in the first place.

That’s really all I’ve got...

[picture: what I reaped]

Identity

The theme of my semester, which every professor has incorporated within their classes is about our personal identity in God. Everything is about this, so of course, I know, this is why God has brought me here this semester.

Figuring out your identity is quite a confusing process, as a human our past makes us who we are, but we can’t let our past define us. We are encouraged to live in the moment, and that isn’t always the easiest thing to do either. Life is such a delicate process.

The things that keep going through my head about my identity in the Father are these:

-I am a product of grace

-I am God’s creation, made in His likeness

-God has made me with a purpose

Expanding on purpose- I suppose it is true, we touch peoples lives without ever understanding just how much. I don’t think I truly understand how much I have touched my friends lives, I think it’s more then I’m willing to admit. I think that the way they see me, which is something I don’t feel like I deserve, is how much I have impacted them.. that thought makes sense to me... sorry if it doesn’t for you.

I’ve been afraid to let others define me, but without others, I wouldn’t know who I am.

I’m Chelsea Elizabeth Tredor, God has created me to touch people’s lives, His purpose on my life is to be a blessing to others.

I’ve been wanting to figure out who I am as a person, but I am nothing without God, I can’t possibly be someone on my own.

My identity, belongs to God.

That is who I am...