Delayed

Day 1 has had an interference.

Wounds heal overtime. But, we need to mend them.

You wouldn’t do something purposely, risking it to be opened again. Risking it to more severe dangers... making it worse then before.

I wouldn’t.

Too important.

Even though my challenge has been delayed, I’ve already been in a lot of thought about this situation.

I realized how important my friends at Greenville are to me and in the way we connect. Some of the things that go through my head, I know that they are the only people in the world that would understand what I’m saying and where I’m coming from.

I realized, as I sat in the Wal-Mart parking lot listening to “One Time” by Justin Bieber, that it was time for me to make different traditions, that contain different memories. I’m learning to let go, but letting go doesn’t mean forgetting and it doesn’t mean goodbye.

The Investment Challenge

Tomorrow, I am going to start a fast... from my friends, at Greenville. It isn’t something that I necessarily want to do, but it is something that I think needs to be done, something that will be good for me.

A friend from Greenville, who has also transferred this semester has been a wonderful encouragement to me, gave me the challenge. She said “This is going to sound mean, and it will probably be hard, but I want you to consider not talking to anyone from Greenville for a week.”

The point instead, to invest myself in the people here at Nyack, to become more involved with this community. “If you do this, I would be surprised if you don’t feel differently about where you are.”

I have recognized, that my heart, is still in Greenville.

My expectations for this week are as follows: it’s going to be hard; I’m going to spend more time with God with the absence of talking to my friends; I’m going to learn more about my identity in God; I’m going to learn more about myself; I’m going to become involved.

I think that I’m hurting my friends more then I realize by telling them that I don’t want to talk to them for a week. That isn’t my intention, and it’s not like I don’t want to talk to them, and I hope they realize that.

When I told them what I was doing, I felt like I was saying goodbye to them on a different level, it hasn’t really been a goodbye because we talk so often, and this is definitive. But, it’s not forever.

I know they respect what I’m doing, just like they have respected everything I have done. I just hope this doesn’t hurt our relationships, but builds them up, when it is all done.

That’s all.

I just have to start treating Nyack like it is my home, or I will never feel comfortable here.

College Differences

Today I think I realized how much this place is different from anywhere I’ve ever been. I guess that’s a lie, Central America is quite different, but those trips were something I was more prepared for. I was prepared that it would be different.

I thought a college was a college, that they all were basically structured the same. There couldn’t be too many differences in the dorms, and the classes and the people. I was wrong.

Not to sound racist, because I’m not. There are a lot of black and hispanic people here; they out number the white people... and I love it, but I feel segregated from them, and I want to merge with them.

If I was going to be in a place of non-unification, I would stay at Greenville.

Today, I realized how differently the people around me have grown up. At Greenville, most of us were cookie-cutter kids, not the richest, not the poorest, just average american kids. Here, so many of these people have grown up in the midst of destruction, they’re city kids, so you can imagine.

There is a pre-judgment on me because I’m from Connecticut here. I didn’t get this assumption at Greenville, because no one really knew this stereotype. I’m a spoiled, rich kid. I’m not, but if you’re from Connecticut, you are.

This is my first weekend in Nyack. In Greenville, I’m so used to not doing anything, frankly because there’s not much to do. I’m 30 minutes from the city and 10 minutes from the mall and 2 hours from home. There are things to do here... but I’m afraid to actually do them. The only place I feel like myself lately, is in my room.

A.L.I.V.E

I've only had one class at Nyack so far. College Writing. It's going to be a lot of work, but she wants us to write in a journal about four times a week, mostly about what we are reading in class. Thankfully, I do enough writing on my own, and I don't want to write freely for a class.

She gave us a topic to write about today, something on the lines of new years resolutions.

The things that I want to get done this semester: I want to be okay with the fact that my best friends are over 1,000 miles away. I want to do things that will make God happy. I want to love on people and I want to be loved. I want to be with those friends that I left over a month ago.

This journal entry about goals and aspirations for the semester comes at a bad time. I know my head is not in the right place. I know that my heart is still in Greenville, Illinois. Eventually, my heart will come back to me. Yet, at the same time, I’m not sure I want it to. I’m not sure I want to stay. I just want this to be some sort of great lesson that God wanted to show me, and let me return to my friends. But, I know that in another 2-3 years, I would just have to leave again.

Today, God taught me that I need to look at the big picture, I need to be alive. “Always Live In View of Eternity.” I can’t make decisions based on what will make me happy today. I have to makes choices based on my future. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

Farewell Greenville

I’m in love with my friends. They are so good to me. My week in Greenville, was a trying one. Something I brought upon myself. Something that I did that hurt my friends in the process.

I’m sorry for hurting you. The last thing, I ever want to do is hurt you.

I struggled with facing my insecurities, and I didn’t go about it the right way. But, I know within me that it was worth it, because I believe that it forced us to be honest. It forced me to be honest. I am a fool. I am a doubter. I am a unbeliever.

I will be honest, once again... that I don’t know how many times I will need to hear it again. That you will be there for me. I will fear and doubt again, it’s part of my human nature.

I want to write about what amazes me so much about my friends. The way they see me.

Especially because I have not always treated them the way I should. I feel like the scum of the earth. I want to yell at them for not seeing my filthiness, for not seeing my fear and the rotten things I think and do.

They profess to have all the faith in me, for following God’s will, for being strong and sticking to my decision. Don’t you understand, that everything within me wants to take it back? Everything within me wants to laugh it off and say “Hey! Sorry about that, I was just kidding, can I have my key back?”

They believe in me... more then I believe in myself in this moment.

I want to thank them, for loving me like God does, unconditionally, looking past my flaws, for encouraging me. I want to thank them for never giving up on me. I don’t know how else to express just how important they are to me.

I don’t know what ever made me think that leaving was going to be easy...

It amazes me what a semester can do. You think you know who your friends are after a year, and you think you know them pretty well. But, I’m stunned by what I lost and what I gained. I lost good friends, but I secured many friendships as well; without this past semester, I don’t think I would have cared so much about staying in contact with the people that I care about today.

The Surprise

I pulled off the wonderful surprise I had been planning for weeks. I was so excited to be back in Greenville. I was so excited to surprise Lauren and Emily.

When I first planned this, my head was scheming with elaborate plans, but then I realized... being there and knocking on their door was more then enough.

My poor Lauren, teared up! And my lovely Emily still can’t believe that I’m actually here.

Now, they are calling me names for being such a schemer, but I know they are happy; and even if they aren’t well... I am. I can’t believe this day finally came!

The Refiner

I recently found this letter addressed to myself. I’m pretty sure I remember where it came from, not entirely sure on the year. The note was “To my Refiner” and also inside this envelope was a match.

Lately I have been coming across things that I’ve written in the past. Things that mark my struggles, my beliefs, my dreams, my immaturity, my faith.

As simple as the letter was... I said wow. I said... why, why do I struggle with the same things that I did years ago. Yet, at the same time, I’ve grown from the things that I’ve struggled with.

I like this letter because I wrote “You [God] have shown me recently that, well, you know what’s best for me. Whatever, whomever is in my future, it’s in your control. But, it scares me to give You this control, and the worry. I am so anxious to know who I’m going to turn out to be.”

I like this letter because I wondered, “Who am I going to marry, will I ever fulfill my dream?”

I like this letter because I realized, “I’m learning slowly, it’s the refining process, I have to let go and when I read this... I will be stronger. Thank You my Refiner... mine.”

Who knows what the big issue in my life was when I wrote this. I don’t know, I know now that it wasn’t as big as I thought it was at the time. I know... that I was right. I’m learning, I’m being refined and I am and will continue to be stronger.

I know that God has known who and what I am, before I knew myself.

2010 New Year's Prayer

What will the New Year mean for me?

What will it be in terms of my walk with God?

2009 was one of the most trying years of my 19 years of life. A lot of painful things happened. But, a lot of good happened too from that painful stuff.

Through a fight with friends, I found someone I could really depend on.

Through my mom’s battle with cancer, God taught me the most valuable thing I had forgotten.

Through lessons of forgiveness, I was blessed.

I had to say goodbye, more then once this year.

Goodbyes leave scars.

I would be lying to say that I am not afraid of what this New Year holds... there will be more pain and suffering to come. There will be good as well. God will be my shelter through the storm... Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it, and are safe.” I will go to new places, experience new things, meet new people. I will fall deeper in love with God. I will have different relationships with the people I have known.

I will grow.

I am so afraid. The unknown... is the scariest thing I have ever encountered. With all my heart, I want to hold on to the past, to the ones I love and never let go.

I don’t like change... I never have.

My prayer for 2010 is this: God, I pray for the people you have put in my life. I ask you to bless them with the love you have shown me. I ask you to use me to bless the people you have put in my life. I pray that through our sufferings, that we will turn to you for comfort. I pray that you put away our fears of the unknown, and that you remind us that your will is best.

I pray for the people I have not been in contact with for quite some time, they were once very dear to me, and to be honest... I don’t want to lose contact with the people that I care deeply for today, like I did then. Help me mend those relationships.

And God, I apologize for my bitterness towards you. Thank you for patiently waiting for me to put it aside... I’m ready God, I’m ready to be used by you. I’m ready for you to completely take my life and use it for your will, I’m ready to become completely new.