An Ending to a Beginning

I spent thanksgiving with my friend lauren and her family. it was good, but i really missed being home, this is one of those important holidays, but it’s okay. i like spending time with my college friend’s families because i feel like i get more of a sense of who they are as a person. when you are around their family you’re around what they have always been, that’s what makes them who they are and for whatever reason it makes me appreciate them even more.

There are only two more full weeks of classes left, then finals. then... I’m leaving, I’m transferring, I’m starting a new life... pretty much. Granted, it’s still a college life. granted the whole new life thing really won’t take place until i graduate. But, it’s really sad to me to leave, really sad.

I can’t believe i won’t see these faces again, at least not for a while, a long while. And at the very least, I won’t sit in classes with them again. I won’t have the same inside jokes, I won’t have someone to whisper to, I won’t have my friends to laugh at my obnoxious doodles that are the same pattern/basic idea that I do day in, day out. I won’t have the history, good or bad.

But, they will stay with me, forever and always.

Greenville had a large impact on my life, this is where God led me for this small part of my life. I learned a lot, but I believe I learned all I could here, and now it is time for me to move on. God opened me to change here, without Greenville, I wouldn’t have had my refocus on loving His people. I wouldn't have been acquainted with CTI, which thus led me to a decision of going into missions... something that in all actuality I always knew I was suppose to be apart of.

Reality

Reality: We all hurt

Unfortunality: My relationship with God is better then my parents relationship with Him

Truth: I love God, and I love my parents
Things are going to change... and it's scary but I know it's for the better.
I brought the situation with my dad to a few people's attention specifically, the ones that I trust and care about. Thank you for praying and your concern and love and patience.
I was letting this thing with my dad eat me up inside... and I knew I needed to deal with it because it was ruining the other relationships around me.

Three people had the most influence spiritually on this whole situation, this is what each one taught me:
1- By bringing this to the attention of my dad, he would hopefully have a wake-up call
2- I need to forgive him wether or not he changes. I thought to myself okay... I will but I want him to at least try before I do... but this time, I was given the wake-up call. Even though he's my dad, I still need to love him like I would anyone else in the name of Jesus
3- I was reminded to trust God with all of this, whatever the outcome, God is in control of this

I called my dad tonight. Throughout the conversation I realized that my dad has hurts too. We all have trust issues... we all need a Savior.
Reality: We're all trying to live in this world as best we can...

Friendly Faces and Encouragement

Tuesday, I drove up to visit some of the friends I met this summer. Mattie and Mike go to school at IC and Rachelle has joined a full-time team, and her team put on a concert. I got there around 4pm and just chilled with all of them, and Racehlle’s team was very nice, I enjoyed their company, I enjoy being around CTI people, they are amazing, it’s so awesome to me, even though I didn’t know them, like there’s just something inside all of us that is in sync with everyone else who has been apart of CTI.

I loved the concert... but I loved wrapping cords, and helping them pick up afterwards, it reminded me of all the fun times I had in Honduras wrapping cords, talking to Jeriel, watching Devlin fake trip so he could re-wrap a cord that someone didn’t do correctly, so that they wouldn’t feel bad [they were only trying to help].

But, one of the highlights, that made the most impact on me, was talking to Mattie, she was such a great encouragement to me that night. I told her my life updates, and then I told her that lately I was feeling very apathetic towards the things at GC, just that I didn’t see a point in getting involved with anything here at the school because I was leaving, and how I know it’s not the right attitude, but I still just can’t seem to get out of this funk.

She told me, well get involved, it will be good for you when you do leave and have to put yourself out there, for real! Use the opportunities that you have.

I love being with CTI people, I felt more real than I have in a while, I think part of it is because we all are open and honest with each other about God, we talk about our relationship with Him together; for me, when I talk to other people, it’s just theological stuff, it’s not about how God knows us personally... and what He’s teaching us personally.

CTI has been such a blessing. This is for Mattie “I’ve been changed for the better” because.... that’s from Wicked right? =]

[I'm sorry too]

I love you and miss you...

there is something I am holding back from you.

but, I hold it back to not hurt you, because I know it would

at the time I said this is my issue

an issue needed to be worked out by myself

you didn’t do anything wrong

but i took it out on you anyway

i stopped talking to you and i was aggravated and jealous of you

and now, when we are apart and separate

there is no need to bring it up

but i wish i could

i wish talking about it could fix the past- but it won’t

and i wish i addressed it sooner

so that the time that we did have, would have been better spent

but we have what we have to keep us going

and that will have to be enough

and you should know, I do forgive you

and I’m not holding a grudge.

Debriefing July 2009

Last week I got my debriefing papers from CTI. The day we returned from Honduras, we went through debriefing, which consisted of talking as a group about our experience, and answering some questions on paper about our experience. “The primary goal of our time together is to help you being [or continue] to process your experience as a CTI team member.”

These are some of the things that went through my mind as I read over my words from 3 months ago.

I closed my eyes, and I imagined myself back in those places, the places that were the humblest and smallest, the places where I felt God’s presence the most powerful.

I felt the same joy that I felt when I truly discovered God’s love for me, and was reminded of how much it hurt when I was slapped with the truth that I didn’t believe He could love me.

My breath was taken away thinking about the grandeur of the mountains.

I felt the jealousy to love on the people, my heart yearns to go back.

I was upset... I talked about the passion I felt to love people. I so desired to spread it to everyone.... and I tried, I remember trying very hard earlier in the semester... and when I read my passion... I was so upset with myself that I lost that. That I stopped putting others needs before mine, that I stopped loving on people.

The fire is still there, it’s something that warms my heart and won’t ever leave. Yet, I find myself still not entirely willing to change. I think it has something to do with my future as I know it right now, because I’m not returning, I am selfish and say to myself, “what does it matter.... in a matter of weeks, they won’t be apart of my life anymore.”
I feel sorry for myself. I do not want to leave, but I am also ready for the change, and ready to feel at peace about where I am.

A Prayer

God, this is my prayer tonight.

Be my strength in my weakness, let me be an example of your great love. Let my friends and family that don’t know you, see you in me through the storm that is coming. I am so small.... thank you for reminding me of this fact, because I know I cannot do these things without your will power. I need your love, your faithfulness, your protection.

My God, my Savior, my Lord, Jesus Christ. Thank you for saving my soul. I stand in awe of your power. I fall on my knees in your glory. I am speechless in your presence.