Prayer

Today I learned that one can pray in different forms.
I'm reading Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel, which is basically about calling yourself a Christian but not living like one.
This past year, I have learned how important it is to walk your talk.
But, prayer.
It is not only done in speaking form, or putting down your head and thinking words to God. It can be done through dance and music and writing and painting, in the same way we worship, we can also pray.
As soon as I read that, I wanted to grab my guitar and start praying. Unfortunately, my guitar is waiting for my hands at school. Then, I realized I've prayed to God in that way numerous of times, without even realizing it. Many times when I do play my guitar and try to write songs, I just sit there and play some chords and hope for the best to come out of my mouth... and sometimes I sing a lot of damn and hell.
As I write this blog, I realized too that this is another form of prayer for me.

Prayer is communication with God.
But it is also coming to him, with honesty and where we bare our souls.
So... come to God in whatever form you can come before Him and bare your soul and be honest with Him.

So. Funny.

Jesus. You're such a funny... funny... man.
Always knowing how to get through to me.
I hate it.
I need it....

I've been in a very rough, dark spot the past few days... I'm not usually one to cry, but I've been crying constantly. It starts with self-pity.
It also begins with fear. Fear makes me cry the most.

It's clear to me what my struggles are... I've been in this same spot many times before. And I have to take an honest look at myself, and I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have people to encourage me. I'm lucky to have people that will be honest with me and I'm lucky to have people who will push me.

One of my friends likes to ask me about struggles that I seem to always come back to "Do you think you have learned anything from the last time, do you feel stronger, have you built upon it from last time?"
This time. Yes... I think I'm dealing with it in ways I haven't before. I'm also dealing with other things in a much more mature way than I have before.

I just can't get over this fact. That God made me, and thus He knows the best ways to get through to me. Wether it be lyrics playing in my head, friends who give me encouagement without knowledge of what's going on, friends who are intentional, or themes on repeat. He knows how to get my attention... and He wants it... but I'm too busy giving it away to my idols.
Abba, forgive me.

Julie

There's a young lady that was in my graduating class who passed away a couple days ago. I'm friends with her on facebook, but that's about as far as our relationship went. We had several friends in common... I saw her in school often, but I'm not sure we exchanged more than a hello.
Yet, for whatever reason... my thoughts keep coming back to her and the people she has left behind and the way she has left this world.
It could happen to any of us. So, why Julie?
People are writing on her wall now... with so much unrest. People are so confused. People were so touched by this young lady...
My heart is hurting so much for this community. For the unanswered questions and the unsaid goodbyes.
She was gone in an instant with no forewarning. I should probably stop thinking so much about this... it's not doing any good... I can't imagine what this is doing to my friends who were close to her.

Abba, we need so much peace.

Consolation Prize

This... is how I have felt, my whole life.
I'm not good enough to be first choice.
I see it from my childhood.
I see it in the relationships I have today.
It burdens me.
It hurts me.
It defines me.

It even warps who I really am. It warps how I see myself.
It destroys me.
Because I am overcome by negative emotions.

It disgusts me... because this... this is how I often treat God.

The things we often hate in others, is what we hate about ourselves.

I hate this feeling of loneliness, yet knowing... no one can console me, except my sweet Jesus. I need to cling to Him, so badly in times like these. But... I think I'm afraid, honestly. If I get to close to Jesus, He's not gonna want me either.
And even still... I know... I'm a smart girl... these are the lies I am buying into.

Bought.
I was bought... because God believes in me.
God doesn't buy consolation prizes... no, no, He buys the real thing.
Bought. thank you God.

5

Also. Just noticed. For that past few months all my new posts for the month have been on the 5th.
Huh.
5 is my favorite.

Pause

Things are finally coming to an end. Wow.
Cor is over in 2 days, but I have considered it over with since last Monday.
Although. I do still need to do something for it, but I feel no pressure to get it done by a certain time... just the end of the semester. Maybe this weekend.
I almost had nothing to do this weekend and didn't know what to do with myself.
So... I did start a puzzle. I'm like an old lady, I love them.
Now that things are finally settling down, I have time to do other things. I've been picking up my guitar and playing it again, but my creative fire that I had earlier this semester that made me say "I love music" has gone away and now I am sitting here crying "I hate music"
Music is beautiful, but it can be so frustrating at times.

My problem is balance. I put almost everything I had into academics this semester. It payed off, extremely well... but I just don't really know where my semester went. I kind of shut everything off to deal with academics.
A girl that I worked with this summer asked what I had been learning about God lately... and I struggled to answer her. I've been reading these books... good Christian, life, living books like Crazy Love and now I'm reading The Christian Atheist. I've been reading how to talk the walk in a sense. I've been taking Bible classes where I'm learning to be more analytical of the Bible and questioning things I've never questioned and learning so much and... I love it. But... God?

I'm just continuing to struggle with the same things... and ignoring the things I don't want to deal with. But... I'm gonna have to wake up.
I just pray I continue to seek out God as my best friend. I hope I take enough time out of my day and pause and think about how exactly amazing He is.