Bruise

I don't really know... I guess I'm just tired and exhuasted and just sick of the bull that goes around. So, I just wrote something, nothing great. It's short and there's a cuss word in it, it's just what it is.

Throw me the punches, one, two, three

Give ‘em to me baby, one more time please

I can take the hurts, the pains

I don’t want you’re pity, you’re sanity

I want justification and liberty.

Bruise me, inside and out

Go ahead and tempt me to cry

I’m so full of lies.

I’m only so strong

And trust me... I’m not...

I know I sound like a hypocrite.

I know that sometimes... I can be a bitch

I know I’m not nearly as Godly as I hope to be.

Really, all I want is freedom and liberty.

Dreams

Life goals, agendas, aspirations...

So, the state I’m currently residing in for school, is debating wether or not to take away this huge grant that helps fund a lot of kids tuition for school. I don’t have it because I’m from out of state. I just finished watching this video that many of the students at my school made. They held up signs “Future: _____”

Then at the end, they portrayed responses if the grant is taken away... going to the worst extreme: they can’t finish their education. Thus, they can’t accomplish their dreams.

It’s really stupid of me, but the video made me a little sad. Just to think, someone not getting that opportunity. It happens everyday though. I thought of my dreams... and not being able to accomplish them. But I also thought about how my dreams have changed in the past year.

I wanted to sing, for the rest of my life. But you know why I originally wanted to sing, I wanted to sing to reach people and I was going to be so involved with ministries to encourage others to get involved. By the time I went to college though, I had forgotten about those reasons, I wanted to do it because I wanted to be the best. But, God reminded me to put people first. So finally I did that, and things came together and this summer, God completed the transformation of my dreams. Not to say that my dreams won’t change again and again, but I know now what God wants me to do, and that’s what I’m shooting for.

My dreams as of today:

To serve God, love people, learn spanish, and to be wherever God wants me... [Central America? maybe. possibly. hopefully.]

Things are Looking uP

Okay, part of me is just writing because I feel a responsibility too. When, in all actuality, I shouldn't be writing because I should be going to bed and/or doing homework.

But, I am in a very positive and happy mood.

Things are going pretty smoothly right now.

Where to begin. I'm really looking forward to this weekend, a dear friend of mine is going to be visiting me and we will probably also visit a few other people. I'm so excited! There will be more about that later in life. =]

For the most part, I can't complain about what's going on in my life, there's a few complications just like anyone else. But most of "the complications" are things that I just need to give to God. I was talking to a close friend the other night about how conflicted I was feeling and she gently reminded me that I need to just let God in on the decisions I'm trying to make on my own, He won't steer me wrong.

I was just like. CRAP. I did it again, I forgot to let God in on my life. It's pretty lame of me, I'm just so afraid to give that one part of my life over to him.. when He knows me better then anyone else. He knows what to choose for me, and He really will choose the right thing. oh trust.

Lastly, it's something I'm pretty excited about. I've finally come to a decision of what I will be doing [sort of]. I found a college to transfer to that seems great, and I'm pretty sure it's the place God wants me to go. Okay, I don't really know, but things have been happening that just seem right, and the idea of going to this school keeps growing on me more and more, and I get really excited thinking about being there in the future.

The only thing I need to figure out now is when to transfer. Right now, I just want to be at the place where I can finish the most credits. Unfortunately the school I'm thinking about transferring to does not have interterm or summer courses. So finishing in 3 years with a double major... definitely not going to happen. Which is okay, I think that this school is going to be a good fit for me. It's a small school located in a big place [20min from the city].

Diversity is calling my name.

God and I time...

I’ve been putting God off for a few days now... kinda just because of my busyness and frustrations, I was just simply not spending my daily time with Him. I said to myself last night, it was late and I go.. “I know God, I’ve been ditching you... but it’s late and I’m tired and I’ll just do it tomorrow, okay?”

“You keep putting off tomorrow, and you’re never gonna come back to Me.”

Hmmmph. I didn’t like those words too much.

“Fine. But... I’m taking you to the bathroom.” So, I grabbed my devotional book, and took it while I sat on the pot.

2 Chronicles 6:15-

“You have kept your promise to your servant David my father; with your mouth you have promised and with your hand you have fulfilled it- as it is today.”

If you didn’t get that, it was about making promises and not fulfilling them.

Can you say... slap in the face?

But you know what I really realized, I realized that all God wants to do is spend time with us... yeah, even in the bathroom. But... uhm.. well, I’m kind of ashamed that I belittled Him to that. God deserves a lot more then a potty-break.

Adrenaline Rush

A bad one. Not a good one, not the kind that helps you do good in races, or become the hulk to save a child trapped under a bulldozer. The kind where you experience so many emotions at once... that I like to label as multiple emotion-analysis [which is more or less an inside joke, and me being hyper]. The kind that gives you a nervous break-down.

I hate it. Absolutely hate the feelings.

That’s how I began this post... then as I wrapped up the meaning of the title, I realized that was not what this post was suppose to be about so I deleted the ending kept the middle which is as follows:

A friend came to me the other day, in tears, and my heart broke for them, absolutely broke; but not only for them, for so many people... even for myself. It’s amazing what the Holy Spirit does inside of us. My whole self understood in that moment, where I was on my hands and knees praying for this friend, what it means to love like He has loved us. What it really meant to have you're heart break for what breaks His. [To see His beloved children in suffering... it hurts] It’s something I have been trying to instill in my life for quite some time.

It’s funny, I actually had a conversation with God during worship one day at church about this. I summarize that conversation like this, but not word for word because I feel like it is too personal... “God, why would you do this for me, why would you send you’re beloved son to die for me?” and God said “Because I love you, and I want to be with you forever.” And I said “Okay God... but what am I suppose to do in the meantime? You did something so great for me, how can I repay this debt... I don’t know what to do from here.” “Love, I want you to love as much as you can, I want you to live in the moment and put all you’re energy into that moment. Loving others is loving Me.”

This was my final prayer that night of praying and crying for my friend. Which... reads as a poem... I do that at times... go figure.

“Live through me Lord, live through me and never ever let my light go out.

Stay with me Lord, stay with me and remind me constantly how to love.

Love me Lord, like you always have... and never will ever stop.

Take me Lord, take my entire life and let it glorify You.

Rebirth me, Transform me, Break me.

Make me more like You.”

An adrenaline rush of God’s love perhaps? Perhaps that is what this post was suppose to be about. When I was writing about the betrayal I felt tonight and the adrenaline that rushed all around me, I knew what I was writing was wrong in the sense that... I was making this about myself once again, and this isn’t about me, it’s about God and what He’s doing in me.

God is a God of second chances.

Outside my Window

This is the view from my dorm window... not the prettiest... the lower roof is the commonly called DC, which stands for dining commons.

I used to find it funny... how I could smell the cafeteria food. But today, today I find it revolting.

I used to try and figure it out... what they we're making for whatever time of the day it was... but not anymore, it all smells the exact same. Except, for tator tots... those have a distinct smell, I can tell when they make tater tots.

Ugh... but I must go and eat this smelly food, my stomach is growling for it...

September Life Update

I figured I should do something like this to keep true to the old blog [which you can't find because I blocked...] So, this is my summary of the first month of school.

I've had plenty of Wal-Mart runs. My floor does puzzles in the lounge. I've done laundry twice, will be three times by the end of today. Work in the cafeteria at 6:30-10:00 am MWF. I'm taking 5 classes that add up to 14 credit hours. I'm trying to figure out what I'll be doing with my life. Watched more movies then I ever did before. Reading more pleasure reading then I did last year. Not on Facebook as much. Have phone-dates with my summer friends. Work-out.

I've gotten my share of hispanic culture. This picture is from Latin Dance Night, which was just about the best thing ever. I love Latin dance, I love dressing up.

Although, this picture is not from the actual latin dance part, this was just afterwards doing our own thing. We had an instructor, who taught us the salsa, merengue, and the chacha.

I'm a slow learner... but I really adore the dance.

I also went to a Hispanic Cultural Festival in St. Louis, which was really awesome, just to be around that culture again. I sorta felt like I was in a Central American Market, but it didn't really compare to the real thing. There was a Honduran running a booth, it made me really happy, but I don't think she understood english very well... cause I told her I had just spent a summer there, and she didn't seem to care... maybe she didn't.

There was also an adorable Ecudorean lady running a booth, she was gorgeous and super friendly, I basically wanted to be her friend forever and ever.

And of course there was food! I had an Encantada, which is pretty much popular everywhere in Central America, a lot of food booths had them. Argentina seemed to be the hottest spot for them though [and yes, I know Argentina is in South America]. But one place had ran out of plantains, which was really disappointing.

I've been pretty anti-social in retrospect. Mostly because the most happening times are after dinner and I go to bed early so I can operate during the day because of work. But Saturday we had a brother/sister floor event, bowling, so that was fun... I've become better at left-hand bowling then right.. and I'm right handed, go figure...

I almost went bowling in El Salvador this summer, that would have been fun memories. But, I'm not complaining, I have a ton of memories to last me a lifetime from this sumer!