The Refiner

I recently found this letter addressed to myself. I’m pretty sure I remember where it came from, not entirely sure on the year. The note was “To my Refiner” and also inside this envelope was a match.

Lately I have been coming across things that I’ve written in the past. Things that mark my struggles, my beliefs, my dreams, my immaturity, my faith.

As simple as the letter was... I said wow. I said... why, why do I struggle with the same things that I did years ago. Yet, at the same time, I’ve grown from the things that I’ve struggled with.

I like this letter because I wrote “You [God] have shown me recently that, well, you know what’s best for me. Whatever, whomever is in my future, it’s in your control. But, it scares me to give You this control, and the worry. I am so anxious to know who I’m going to turn out to be.”

I like this letter because I wondered, “Who am I going to marry, will I ever fulfill my dream?”

I like this letter because I realized, “I’m learning slowly, it’s the refining process, I have to let go and when I read this... I will be stronger. Thank You my Refiner... mine.”

Who knows what the big issue in my life was when I wrote this. I don’t know, I know now that it wasn’t as big as I thought it was at the time. I know... that I was right. I’m learning, I’m being refined and I am and will continue to be stronger.

I know that God has known who and what I am, before I knew myself.

2010 New Year's Prayer

What will the New Year mean for me?

What will it be in terms of my walk with God?

2009 was one of the most trying years of my 19 years of life. A lot of painful things happened. But, a lot of good happened too from that painful stuff.

Through a fight with friends, I found someone I could really depend on.

Through my mom’s battle with cancer, God taught me the most valuable thing I had forgotten.

Through lessons of forgiveness, I was blessed.

I had to say goodbye, more then once this year.

Goodbyes leave scars.

I would be lying to say that I am not afraid of what this New Year holds... there will be more pain and suffering to come. There will be good as well. God will be my shelter through the storm... Proverbs 18:10 “The name of the Lord is a strong tower, the righteous run to it, and are safe.” I will go to new places, experience new things, meet new people. I will fall deeper in love with God. I will have different relationships with the people I have known.

I will grow.

I am so afraid. The unknown... is the scariest thing I have ever encountered. With all my heart, I want to hold on to the past, to the ones I love and never let go.

I don’t like change... I never have.

My prayer for 2010 is this: God, I pray for the people you have put in my life. I ask you to bless them with the love you have shown me. I ask you to use me to bless the people you have put in my life. I pray that through our sufferings, that we will turn to you for comfort. I pray that you put away our fears of the unknown, and that you remind us that your will is best.

I pray for the people I have not been in contact with for quite some time, they were once very dear to me, and to be honest... I don’t want to lose contact with the people that I care deeply for today, like I did then. Help me mend those relationships.

And God, I apologize for my bitterness towards you. Thank you for patiently waiting for me to put it aside... I’m ready God, I’m ready to be used by you. I’m ready for you to completely take my life and use it for your will, I’m ready to become completely new.

Purpose

Okay. I’m going to be honest. I am stressed out to the max. I have too many decisions to make in such a short little time. On top of that, I worry about college.

Okay, here’s the thing, I haven’t been worrying too much about college because I’ve been thinking about visiting my friends, and as unhealthy as that is because it’s not set in stone and will probably be extremely disappointed when I can’t go. It’s been a good distraction from worrying about making friends at Nyack. I guess, it hasn’t really sunk in yet that I’m going to be in a completely different place, without any of the people that I have come to care for and love.

But it’s gotta be beneficial as well... the biggest mistake I made freshman year was having my expectations way too high. I won’t be making that mistake again. Expect the worst right? Then, be pleasantly surprised. Yeah. Gluck with that one.

Gluck is my new word for good luck, anybody else use it?

So... I’m not going to bother writing the things I have to decide, I’m just going to say over the days I’ve spent pondering them and discussing with other people... well, let’s say.

I gave God my life this summer, completely. I told Him, You got the control. From then out, I should’ve known, I will never ever have control over my life ever again.

Thankfully... even though I don’t always realize and acknowledge it, my life is in the best hands.

Jeremiah 29:11

God knows what He’s doing...

More than Words...

There’s so much going on in my head. Every time I try to write something substantial about it, I write too much and it makes no sense in the long run. So, I’m going to try to say what I’m feeling and what has been going on with as little words as possible.

I’ve cried a lot. Leaving hurt more then I could have ever imagined.

I wasn’t ready to say goodbye.

But...

God has already been showing me that I am doing the right thing... through many people and through many ways.

My friends, have more faith in myself then I do. Which just adds to the difficulty of this situation.

My mom said to me today that if I feel any peace at all about this, that I am doing the right thing. That made me cry, and I said “I know, I do feel peace... but it doesn’t make it any easier.”

I know that this will all make sense in the end. But, I’m just stubborn and don’t want to believe it.

tough love

This hurts so much.

There are two people leaving tomorrow, and it’s really beginning to set in. One of them is a good friend of mine, and she also is not returning. I’m not the closest to her, but I’m gonna watch her say goodbye to her best friend here, and I know it’s going to make me hurt, because that’s what’s going to happen to me in a few days... only a few.

6 weeks ago, I was holding my breath because I knew this day was coming. I remember saying to several people, I know how fast six weeks go... that’s the same amount of time I had with CTI this summer. It goes by so incredibly fast.

6 weeks turned into a month, and a month turned into a couple weeks... and now... now we’re at days. And so soon, so soon, it’s all going to disappear. Just like that.

The thing is... I’m not just losing my best friend, I’m losing several of the closest friends that I’ve ever had. I’m leaving my second home. Greenville became my second home and now I have to say goodbye.

There is a line from a song by the Fray that has been running through my head for days, it goes “Sometimes the hardest and the right thing are the same.”

Why does this have to be hard? Why does loving people have to hurt so much?

The Lasts

And... the “lasts” have begun. They began a while ago. I mean heck... they began the day I got here. My last homecoming at Greenville, my last this... my last that. And now, my last classes, my last finals. My last weekend and my last days.

Which... let’s admit it. is DEPRESSING.

Right now, I would say, I would come back... I would stay if things were different, if things were to change. But, that would depend on who was here, when that time happened. I wouldn’t do it if my friends that I’m sitting with right now weren’t here. It wouldn’t be worth it, to leave friends that I’m hoping to make at Nyack.

I would be so happy and content if I could just sit here and hang out my friends all week long without worries of school and finals and just stress free, enjoying each others company.

That’s really all I have to say for this post. They are the reason why I haven’t been posting. My aim has been for 5 a month. I’ve done really decent with that. I’ll probably get them in, but I don’t care if I don’t. I wasn’t wasting time doing other things. I was doing important things.

Memories to Last

Last night, I asked my closest friends from Greenville to hang out with me... The ones that I made connections with that first semester. We went to a park that puts up all these decorations and were silly and took pictures. Man, I’m gonna miss them so much.

So, on the way something awfully stressful happened [besides getting slightly lost]. Well, this was my fault, my tire light was on, but I ignored it, because I knew I couldn’t do anything about it, besides not drive the car... Anyway, we believe this is what caused my car to pull. So, my car pulled, and then I started having a small anxiety attack, it’s not like it was a big deal, but after having an accident last year, my mind went to that and I just really worried about everyone else’s life in the car.

Lauren was amazing though, and I’m so glad she was there, she looked at my tires with me, and she drove a while for me. Then, gave me permission to cry it out. Which, I totally needed, I didn’t want to cry in the car, and was planning on once we got to the park to find somewhere semi-private and have a mini-freak-out session. Then she also taught me how to check my tire pressure when we got back to school. Which, by the way was indeed the problem.

I hate, hate, hate the fact that I have to leave this school. I don’t want to and the thought of leaving my best friends tares me up inside. Part of me feels like I’m letting them down, another part is afraid we won’t stay in touch. I don’t really care about anyone else except them from this school. Which isn’t entirely true, there are others I care about, and I will stay in contact with them as much as possible, but obviously these four girls are the ones I care to stay in contact with the most.

I’m afraid of forgetting the memories, and I wonder did I make enough this semester to last? I have one and a half weeks left to make memories. The whole reason why I came back this semester was to make it something to last.

So, I apologize in advance, I’m sure my posts for a while are going to be very repetitive over the fact that “I’m leaving Greenville and I don’t want to.”

I’m leaving Greenville..... and I really, don’t want to.