My Heart

God, thank you for opening my heart.

Thank you for HOLDING my heart.

I am not capable of much without you in it.

God, thank you for holding my friends in your hands, and wrapping them in your arms. Abba, they need You, I need You.

Thank you for my best friends, who have gone through so much. Thank you for my new floor mates and their hearts and stories and lives. Thank you for my amazing roommate and her heart and friendship and for placing her in my life at the exact right timing.

Thank you for my family... each and every one of them, my parents, my grandparents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. Lord... they need you, please use me.

God... most of all thank you for blessing my life. Please help me not to take it for granted. I owe you so much. Oh, Abba, thank you for giving your Son for my life, for my sins. I do not deserve your love, but Abba... I desire to pour out your love from my heart.

Abba, please be with the broken, the burdened... there are so many people searching for You.

My heart has been heavy lately for the people that surround me... even at a Christian school there is so much brokenness... people you assume know God, recognize what He has done for them... and so many of these people are broken and suffering, just like the rest. Even my friends... my friends who I know love and trust God; who are doing the best they can with what they've got.

Nobody's got it together... and everybody has something going on, everyone has a past they are dragging like the heaviest weight on their shoulders.

I came to a discussion, twice this night about being real. If everyone was open, real and honest... oh to be so unafraid. My heart is too unbrave. But that's what God is calling us to be, real. Real lovers, real forgivers, real peacemakers, real givers, real tryers, real people.

The Ugly Truth...

This is where I am at:

I've been miserable. I have not been the Christian I ought to be...

I've let lies into my head and completely consume me.

I have not been slow to anger.

I have not shown my friends the love they deserve.

I've been destroying myself and my relationships.

I've been selfish. Really, selfish.

I have been putting other gods before God.

I've been trying to be someone that I cannot ever be.

I am broken.

I do not live up to the expectations I put on myself and I tear myself down.

God says I am beautiful... and wonderful and worthwhile.

God says I am worth all the time in the world, and that I have something to offer.

God, give me a clean heart and a clean mind. I want to be pure in Your sight.

I want to put away the things of this world.

I want to stop listening to all the lies... please, Lord speak to me truth when lies enter my mind. Humble me... simply humble me.

Freedom

We sing this song in Vespers all the time... about freedom.

Freedom.

Jesus died on a cross for my freedom.

Free to dance, Free to sing, Free to live without fear.

Jesus died on a cross to set the captives free...

I AM FREE.

I love that... I love Him for loving me that much...

I am free to live my life for Him without shame and I asked for a key necklace from my mom this Christmas as a symbol of that freedom, so that I won't forget. So that I won't live in fear.

"No more shackles, no more chains, no more bondage, I am free."

Hallelujah!

Fear

Can you give me something new?

A freshness, a understanding, a sense of clarity.

I need something new.

Can you leave the old so simply behind?

The broken, the shamed, the tattered and torn.

The old, is loved and cherished. Used.

They say one is silver and the other, gold.

Faithful. Desire.

It’s a pitiful hole.

It bubbles, it spews...

It’s sabotage.

Too good to be true.

Too wrong to be right.

Too afraid to really feel or too afraid to be herself.

That’s me. Right there, you see.

Fear, it trickles down like water on a leaf.

Too afraid. Too unbrave.

Never, ever good enough. Tries so hard, it ain’t enough.

Never, ever good enough.

Never will. Never was.

Keep trying, keep running, keep singing, keep loving...

Keep being everything you think you can to earn somebody’s love.

It’ll never be enough.

It’s never enough.

Fear. That’s me, inside me. It lives and breathes.

Newness. Freshness. Clarity.

Find me. Give me. Love me. Save me.

Make me.

Show me the old and break me.

Show me the new and heal me.

Quickly, before the fear revives me.

chelsea.tea.

Here's my heart Lord...

Once upon a time...

I felt really, really hurt by people I cared about.

So much was going on in my life that I didn't want my heart anymore.

It hurt too much.

This is what I wrote at that time:

It’s come to a point where I’ve decided to just rip it out and hand it over to God. I just don’t want to be emotionally connected to anyone... Not until it is completely repaired, and I have come a better person and have come to more of a conclusion of who I am.

I'm not that person anymore... God changed me so much after that.

But... I still get hurt, and I will continue to get hurt. That's what happens when you love.

I think I had the right idea. Giving God my heart. I don't want it... I can't handle heartbreak and I don't really think God originally made our hearts for this. He deserves my heart.

I have a lot of issues to work through, everyday...

God's blessed me greatly, I have great people in my life that have walked through a lot of my issues with me and continue to. But they're not perfect, just like me, and I'm still let down and hurt by them at times. People hurt people.

I wish I could carry some of those people with me forever, and never lose them, but I can't and the only one who's going to carry and keep me... is God. So, here's a public declaration- I'm gonna try being dependent on Him, not people, not my best friends.

Besides... my heart is His.

Week of Prayer

I need to spend an "intense" week in prayer.

Basically, I just want to spend time writing to God. Love letters, prayers for family and friends, spend time in worship.

If you have prayer requests, please, please send them my way, I would love to pray for you.

God is always speaking to me... wether it is through friends or through music. I particularly love it when a random song comes into my head and that song... is exactly what I needed.

I may post my prayers from this week, not sure. We'll see what happens, but I will tell you the benefits of this week, because I know there will be. He is good.

Explore

I went to a synagogue last night for my world religions class, my professor wants us to visit two places outside of our own religion.

I really enjoy going to the synagogue. It was my second time (different places).

This time, it was more independently, and I didn’t rely on other people to ask questions. I feel like I was more assertive because I wanted to take it all in and I wanted to be prepared to ask questions.

After the service, a woman talked to me and my two friends, and answered any questions we had. It was interesting.

I feel like she gave responses to some of our questions that were on cue with how a Christian would respond as well. Sometimes I felt like she pitied us in our “misled” beliefs.

She really knew what she was talking about though. Made me realize how I need to get a better handle on what I believe. Of course, she was older and she had probably been answering questions like that for years... but that doesn’t justify knowing (or perhaps nto knowing) my own beliefs.

She encouraged us all to keep “exploring.” Which I thought was neat, she said she learned a lot about our country after she lived in Switzerland for 2 years. She made me realize that all of my life experiences, especially the ones where I’m stepping out trying new things, exploring new places is where I learn the most, where I change the most. Without all those experiences... Mississippi, The Wilds, Christian school, Bacon, Nicaragua, Musicon, Greenville, Honduras, Nyack... I just wouldn’t be where I am.