God is Joy

Just one thing God has put on repeat this past week. JOY.

And... I just found John 15: 9-17 to sum that up.

Today was an emotionally hard day. We started with a pig crastration, and then fed children who are disabled.

This child... was a mess. God's beautiful mess. He would not eat for me at first and then soon enough, he did. Then as I continued to feed him, he started laughing and continued laughing for a good 5-10 minutes.

There were so many children who couldn't do anything for themselves. And so many questions started pouring into my mind as to why and how and what. I don't understand it...

But, this boy who solely depends on other people for survival, was laughing and smiling and he filled my heart with joy. I have no reason to not be as happy as that boy when things are going wrong in my life.

Joy and peace. This is what sets me apart from people who don't know Jesus. At least, it should- there should be this internal prescense of Abba in me, all the time.

Always. Trusting in the knowledge that everything belongs to Him- my talents, my body, my relationships, my things, my life.

He gives and takes away- nothing in mine in the first place. James 1:2-4

God is Sustaining

Tried to update this last night, but my computer died! Oh no!

I've been here about a week now and I cannot tell you how inadequate I have felt. Time and again- I didn't realize how important my spanish skills were...

It has been of the hardest things to deal with.

My host family doesn't know english at all, yet God has looked out for me and my roommate is pretty much a pro. My host family is also incredibly precious; with four little girls and the biggest hearts- they feed us every morning.

God is very good.

Even though I feel like I shouldn't be here, I am here and I know God has a reason for me being here, just like every other part of my life. I know, even though I don't at the time, He always has a plan. He has comforted me and has placed encouragement in my life exactly when I need it.

I'm working at the media site this summer with Jose and thankfully he speaks english. He also said he would love to help me learn.

Another "full-timer," Nick (who just turned 40) also encourage me just the other night. He said quite a bit that spoke into my life, but what's most important is that he told me to take risks and ask questions. I really just appreciated everything he had to say and he basically reiterated everything that has been swimming in my head lately.

It is not enough that I am here. I have to go out of my way. I have to give up myself to be everything God is asking of me.

And how silly of me... I just told a friend that God's refining process is not a painless thing. Let me eat my words.

"Put down your pride Chelsea Elizabeth, become a "fool." This is not about you, and it never has been. Be My hands, Be my feet. All for My Glory. Become uncomfortable, become vulnerable, become a vessel. Be unafraid."

Go-go-go!!

Oh no!

It's absolutely crazy. I've been running around, hardly catching a breath. Not true, I'm pretty good at procrastinating... but the whole time I'm procrastinating I'm worrying about what I'm procrastinating about- it even takes me away from sleeping peacefully during a nap.

Yeah.

Cause... that's important.

But.... I packed all weekend, got all of my stuff in the storage unit, and now I'm cramming out exams. Then tomorrow after my last exam I am crashing in my roommate's bed until I have to get up for my flight. Not true, I'm gonna get up two hours earlier so I can say goodbyes. Oh goodbyes... I'm so blessed to have people to say goodbye to.

Also... I'm really blessed to have so many good friends to give my stuff to, to take care of over the summer. I really don't like to ask for help and especially when I'm asking them to take on a responsibility, but... maybe I'm suppose to learn something from that, everyone tells me it's fine, but it's still pretty uncomfortable.

Uncomfortability. That should be what my summer is like. As soon as I'm done with school... yikes.

Guatemala

I can't believe I'm going to be back in Central America in 2 weeks... I haven't really felt like I've been given time to think about it too much. In fact, I'll be heading straight from school to Guatemala, which is insane.

I'm starting to get pretty excited about it though, God will do great things. I "secretely" hope that I will be able to work at an orphanage while I'm down there at least for a little time.

I fall more and more in love with Central America everytime I'm there... my Honduras/ El Salvador experience was amazing and life-changing... I can't even imagine what God will do this summer... and honestly, that scares me a bit.

I really need to pull up my pants though and be open and prepared for whatever... WHATEVER He asks of me... after all, He's worth it.

I'm tiny

God- thank you for showing me recently how SMALL I am.

Here's the thing Lord, I know I've been a mess lately, and I'm still not so sure about what I'm doing... but I feel like I'm doing something, sort of right, but I'm doing it all wrong at the same time. That doesn't make any sense does it?

That's okay- it doesn't need to make sense to you. It makes sense to me.

I don't like myself very much, and it's not healthy and God's working on it with me... I know that the distortion I see of myself is not of Him, and it hurts Him.

But, I think it's been good to be knocked off my little pedestal and see the world from down here. God has really just torn me down, thankfully I still have His foundation, where His word rests. I'm starting from the bottom, relearning how to be a Christian. No... a Jesus Follower.

There is so many negative connotations with church and christian... and it's so sad. I don't want to be that to someone.

But... God is changing me, and I'm still struggling to be at peace with myself and with Him and giving up my will... but it's happening and it's good, and I know He is good, and I just want to let Him work in me, I just don't want to take His credit anymore and I want to love people for who they are.

And, it's not something that will happen overnight, it's going to take a lot of time and a lot of work. But, God's going to be right beside me and this is all Him, He will take over me.

Failure

I'm gonna try to be an open book right now.

I'm filled with a lot of shame, fear, doubt and confusion.

I suppose the confusion wouldn't be a problem if I gave myself some time to stop and think things through... and maybe even actually pray.

I don't want to pray though... I don't want to talk to God about all these things going through my head. I'm afraid. Not of what He will say or do, because it's nothing like that, I'm more afraid of myself really. It's not like I don't consider myself a believer right now, I do, I'm just lost.

I don't know how to come before God right now... because of my shame.

It's breaking me, but not in a good way.

It's pulling me away from everything and everyone good in my life, I don't feel able to pray for my dear friends and loved ones because I can't go to God.

How messed up is that? I love my friends... and I love God and I want to serve Him with everything, but how can I when I won't even talk to Him. How can I serve and love others if I'm not in communion with my Heavenly Father? I just feel so much shame that I don't know how to talk to my friends about what's going on either.

I'm letting everyone down, and I'm hurting my Abba, and I'm hurting myself... and ignoring my issues isn't doing any good, I know this, I know that they're going to fall right on top of me and I'm going to hit the bottom like the ton of bricks that I feel inside my chest.

I can't even be in the same room with people praying. I feel like the biggest hypocrite of them all.

I am a failure... I am.

My Heart

God, thank you for opening my heart.

Thank you for HOLDING my heart.

I am not capable of much without you in it.

God, thank you for holding my friends in your hands, and wrapping them in your arms. Abba, they need You, I need You.

Thank you for my best friends, who have gone through so much. Thank you for my new floor mates and their hearts and stories and lives. Thank you for my amazing roommate and her heart and friendship and for placing her in my life at the exact right timing.

Thank you for my family... each and every one of them, my parents, my grandparents, my cousins, my aunts and uncles. Lord... they need you, please use me.

God... most of all thank you for blessing my life. Please help me not to take it for granted. I owe you so much. Oh, Abba, thank you for giving your Son for my life, for my sins. I do not deserve your love, but Abba... I desire to pour out your love from my heart.

Abba, please be with the broken, the burdened... there are so many people searching for You.

My heart has been heavy lately for the people that surround me... even at a Christian school there is so much brokenness... people you assume know God, recognize what He has done for them... and so many of these people are broken and suffering, just like the rest. Even my friends... my friends who I know love and trust God; who are doing the best they can with what they've got.

Nobody's got it together... and everybody has something going on, everyone has a past they are dragging like the heaviest weight on their shoulders.

I came to a discussion, twice this night about being real. If everyone was open, real and honest... oh to be so unafraid. My heart is too unbrave. But that's what God is calling us to be, real. Real lovers, real forgivers, real peacemakers, real givers, real tryers, real people.