I'm not Alright

This song has been playing through my head all day today.

I haven’t listened to it in quite some time either, so it dawned on me that maybe God was trying to tell me something by the 100th time it was stuck in my head.

It’s Sanctus Real- I’m Not Alright

“I’m not alright, I’m broken inside, and all I go through, it leads me to you

Burn away the pride, bring me to my weakness

Until everything I hide behind is gone

And when I’m open wide with nothing left to cling to, only You are there to lead me on

Honestly.... I’m not that strong”

I do this way more then I should... I depend on myself more then I depend on God. Except, I thought I had gotten rid of that this summer, I really gave God my all this summer... I let God fall in love with me and it was amazing to experience that love.

[for background for those who don’t know: I had been holding back a lot from God for years now, especially trust, I loved God and I served God with my whole heart, and I was trying so hard, on my own, to follow His will for my life. But a lot of me did the things I did because I felt like I had to be better so that God would love me, I didn’t fully understand that God loved me just as I am. This summer I gave up a lot of my insecurities to Him, and I really became a new person inside, I felt the peace and happiness that I’ve heard so many people talk about, but didn’t understand for myself.]

I’ve been trusting [or trying to trust] God with a lot lately... except I still kept one thing away from Him. Basically, slowly this one thing was tearing me down. How many times are we broken inside?

The pastor at the church I have been faithfully attending here at school said this the first week all the college students were back. This was about running the race, “ All we have to say is ‘God, I can’t do this anymore, I don’t have any more faith today.... I’ve run out’ and God says ‘It’s okay... I’ve got you the rest of the way’.”

There’s a list of Bible verses and songs going through my head to get my thoughts about this and my true feelings out and understandable, but I don’t want to make this a long, exhausting post to read then it already is.

And the Answer is...

What can I say... I’m a pretty stupid girl.

I feel like I deserve certain things in life, when I probably don’t.

Like the truth.

That’s not even the issue.

I also feel like I have been cheated and missed out on something

But the thing with that, is that I didn’t realize it until recently, and when I figured out what was missing, I was so angry and part of me still is, and it hurts so much, when people aren’t willing to fix it.

That’s not even the issue.

I hate the way I act when I don’t get what I want.

It’s not like I throw a temper tantrum like a five year old, it’s the emotions that go through me that are so immature and wrong.

Why am I so materialistic and high maintenance?

I’m not even THAT high maintenance.

A few months ago, I was so ready to drop everything and go back to a country where I couldn’t speak the language, to serve God by serving others; and trust me, if I was given the opportunity right now, I would take it.

If money wasn’t an issue, if I spoke the language fluently.

If I trusted God enough.

I would do it.

Funny... I thought I was doing a pretty good job, trusting God. Come to discover....

I’m not any better then I was.

Well, I’m a pretty stupid girl, trusting in myself, putting my hope in others.

God is the answer, I know this...

Laughing Until My Tooth Hurts

I’ve been blessed by the friendships I have here at Greenville. It makes me sad to leave, but it’s inevitable that eventually we would all be leaving and parting paths.

I have been constantly reminded of how lucky I am; and I will continue to be, so don’t be surprised if you hear about how blessed I feel again.

I’m not a perfect person, I’ve screwed up a lot, and I’m ashamed of those mess ups. Which makes God so awesome, because He erases those mistakes and let’s us start fresh. And it’s awesome that we can learn from those mistakes. I don’t always treat my good friends the way I should, and I hate to know that I’ve hurt them, I hate myself for hurting them, I tell myself, I should have known better, this person has been nothing but nice to me, and I was stupid and put that knife in their side, what is wrong with me?

Usually, I ask for forgiveness too, or it just naturally blows off because I just made a big deal out of nothing. Thankfully, my friends are kind enough to continue being friends with me. Life is all about learning.

Friends make you laugh, tell you what you want or don’t want to hear. Friends always have a shoulder and an ear. Friends stand by you when you’re too insecure to stand by yourself. Friends don’t hold mistakes over heads. Friends repeatedly hear the same stories over, and over again.

My friends, are good friends.

My friends, they make me laugh until my “tooth” hurts. They repeatedly hear me talk about myself. My friends forgive and love me.

Something Different

I've decided to somewhat put up the other blog, and start fresh.

Just because my life is bigger then college. Granted I'm still in college.

That blog was a good motivation and start, and I'm happy to still have that blog, I enjoy looking back on it.

But, I just want to post whatever strikes me.

Write the lessons God is teaching me. Something I've been reminded lately is that our life is not only a question of what we are going to do with it, but what are we going to do with it to honor God. All the glory goes back to Him.

That's what my life story is about... how my life intersects God's story.