Explore

I went to a synagogue last night for my world religions class, my professor wants us to visit two places outside of our own religion.

I really enjoy going to the synagogue. It was my second time (different places).

This time, it was more independently, and I didn’t rely on other people to ask questions. I feel like I was more assertive because I wanted to take it all in and I wanted to be prepared to ask questions.

After the service, a woman talked to me and my two friends, and answered any questions we had. It was interesting.

I feel like she gave responses to some of our questions that were on cue with how a Christian would respond as well. Sometimes I felt like she pitied us in our “misled” beliefs.

She really knew what she was talking about though. Made me realize how I need to get a better handle on what I believe. Of course, she was older and she had probably been answering questions like that for years... but that doesn’t justify knowing (or perhaps nto knowing) my own beliefs.

She encouraged us all to keep “exploring.” Which I thought was neat, she said she learned a lot about our country after she lived in Switzerland for 2 years. She made me realize that all of my life experiences, especially the ones where I’m stepping out trying new things, exploring new places is where I learn the most, where I change the most. Without all those experiences... Mississippi, The Wilds, Christian school, Bacon, Nicaragua, Musicon, Greenville, Honduras, Nyack... I just wouldn’t be where I am.

Chess

Problem:

I’m extremely selfish and self-centered.

Why Jesus cared to die for me, I don’t know.

Problem:

I’ve been thinking that this was all me. The decision of coming back to Greenville was all my doing.

Wrong. I’ve been asking myself the wrong question- Did I make the right decision? If I was giving all of the credit to God, I would have been asking this question- What purpose does God have for me back at Greenville? It’s not like I threw Him for a loop- “Surprise God!”

Acts 17:26

“From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.”

All I’m trying to say I suppose is that, I need to stop thinking about my chess moves, and think of God’s chess moves. He’s way bigger than this, His glory will be revealed, and I will not stand in His way.

Worthily Worthless

Sometimes, God drives me up a wall. In a good way. I know... that's usually a negative statement. He's just crazy... He knows exactly what I need... and He uses other people, when I don't even realize it, or even when I do, and they play this magnificent part in His magnificent design.

I struggled so much this week... and honestly, I still am with self-worth. God talked to me all week about it too.

I know the details, I know the facts... but knowing and believing these things are different, and I thought... I really thought I believed this... I did, but I let lies seep in my mind, and I choose to believe those things, because apparently they are so much more easier to believe.

I think I'm pretty good... I think that I've got it all figured out, more or less. I feel like... I don't stray off the path, I don't "really" sin. I've been thinking in this mindset for a while. It's like I forgot what God did for me, what Jesus did for me, because I AM SO FILTHY, I AM A DIRTY RAG.

I am worthless.... but I'm worthy because God does love me.

I know this, but all of these outside, I don't know if this is the right word, distractions, sorta screw that up for me. People... a lot of times, make me feel like I'm not worth their time.

But again... I say, I am worthless, but in God's sight I am worthy.

And God wants me. I am always wanted by God.

I just have to remind myself of this...

go copy and paste this into your browser: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7C2o0jHNRuU

He Cares

1 Peter 5:7

"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

Psalm 55:22

"Cast your cares on the LORD and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall."

God,

I am so worried about my body. Especially these days. My body hurts...

I don't want to worry, I know that this is in your control... but I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what I don't know.

I'm trying so hard to take care of myself. And honestly... I'm not sure that's something I can do on my own; or even if I'm suppose to.

God... my body is a temple. I want it to honor You.

Worries, are not honoring. Lord, help me believe that you will take care of me, that you will take care of my body, my heart, my lungs, my bones, my bruises.

God... this is what little faith I have, take it and carry me. Bless the people who will take care of me and look after me in my life. Bless their hands, their minds, their hearts.

Love/Hate

I know I shouldn't. But I really need to.... I feel deserted.

I feel like no one in my life is honest with me... and it hurts a lot.

I try to live my life as honestly as I can, and call me out if I'm not.

I'm sick of all the drama that comes along with technology.

It's stupid and... it just doesn't need to happen.

I believe people are always, always changing.

It doesn't matter how well you know anyone; God brings us through different stages in our life and we change; it's inevitable. It's not a bad thing.

I'm starting to believe all I can trust is myself, myself and God.

I love Greenville... but there's this constant spiritual high that goes on. It makes me slack off in my personal relationship with God... it makes me think that it's okay. It's not. If I don't spend personal time with my Savior, it makes me less authentic.

I miss home. A lot- especially during this season, and ever since I started college, I miss apple-picking with my mom. I would really love to go to the Big-E- the last time I went was with one of my best friends at the time, my senior year of highschool- I said I was going to keep in touch with her... I haven't done a very good job. I would love to go to pumpkintown with a group of friends and be as silly as possible. I miss cornmazes on youth group events.

Right now college is a love/hate relationship.

A Love Letter

I needed a reminder.

Chelsea,

I want more for us.

I want you to want me.

I want you to spend time with me.

I love you Chelsea, and you are good.

Look around you, those mountains, I created those, that amazing blue sky, I chose that color, just like I chose the color of your hair, and the color of your eyes. I chose you. And believe Me, I would choose you again, I will choose you over all those things you find beautiful.

Let me protect you, let me be your defender, let me be your comfort, let me be your desire. I want to be everything for you. I will be everything for you.

Chelsea, I love you more than you will ever understand. I have so much planned for you.

Just come to me, find shelter and strength in Me.

Seek me and you will find Me.

Your King- Abba.

Back to Greenville

So... I've been back at Greenville for over two weeks now.

It's been intense and wonderful all at the same time.

I knew instantly when I got here that... this was right. This is home right now.

I miss my parents, a lot. But, I can now recognize that and it's okay.

I declared my major today. I'm so excited about it. I'm excited about whatever God has in store for my future, good and bad, because I know He's going to be right by my side the entire time! I can take so much peace in that. So much happiness as well.

God is so good.

But, I'm just so pleased with my major, just the thought of it, the classes I'm taking... I'm so excited about them!

My roommate is pretty great. I don't know her very well yet, but she's amazing. She's in one of the Vesper bands, and she's also the RA of the floor. But, you can just see her heart for God, and I just think she's a beautiful person. She also likes ducks.... so... I just really feel like everything worked out so smoothly on transferring back. All my credits from Nyack transferred, which was much more than I expected!

What else.... well, this is a new thought, I really want to graduate on time... but I think it's going to be pretty tight, and I'd rather enjoy the ride than be stressed about it all the time, so I may pick up another major. Something God has been teaching me, is that I just can't make all these plans for my future.

We talked about the future in one of my classes, it's a philosophy/religion class and my professor was like "Does the future really exist? Does the past?" I couldn't even begin to wrap my head around this talk... it blew my mind.

All that to say, that maybe I should just cool it with the finish in two-years plan.

It's all going to be over before I know it anyways.

So. Picture explanation.

This is where the beginning of the end started for me last year...

This is a band called Fundamental Elements, they are really amazing. http://www.myspace.com/fundamentalsmusic

They played last year as well, at the same event- Back to School Bash. The night before classes, it's just a really nice community thing.

Sometimes... it feels pretty surreal to be back. But, like I said, I know it's right.