The Ugly Truth...

This is where I am at:

I've been miserable. I have not been the Christian I ought to be...

I've let lies into my head and completely consume me.

I have not been slow to anger.

I have not shown my friends the love they deserve.

I've been destroying myself and my relationships.

I've been selfish. Really, selfish.

I have been putting other gods before God.

I've been trying to be someone that I cannot ever be.

I am broken.

I do not live up to the expectations I put on myself and I tear myself down.

God says I am beautiful... and wonderful and worthwhile.

God says I am worth all the time in the world, and that I have something to offer.

God, give me a clean heart and a clean mind. I want to be pure in Your sight.

I want to put away the things of this world.

I want to stop listening to all the lies... please, Lord speak to me truth when lies enter my mind. Humble me... simply humble me.

Freedom

We sing this song in Vespers all the time... about freedom.

Freedom.

Jesus died on a cross for my freedom.

Free to dance, Free to sing, Free to live without fear.

Jesus died on a cross to set the captives free...

I AM FREE.

I love that... I love Him for loving me that much...

I am free to live my life for Him without shame and I asked for a key necklace from my mom this Christmas as a symbol of that freedom, so that I won't forget. So that I won't live in fear.

"No more shackles, no more chains, no more bondage, I am free."

Hallelujah!

Fear

Can you give me something new?

A freshness, a understanding, a sense of clarity.

I need something new.

Can you leave the old so simply behind?

The broken, the shamed, the tattered and torn.

The old, is loved and cherished. Used.

They say one is silver and the other, gold.

Faithful. Desire.

It’s a pitiful hole.

It bubbles, it spews...

It’s sabotage.

Too good to be true.

Too wrong to be right.

Too afraid to really feel or too afraid to be herself.

That’s me. Right there, you see.

Fear, it trickles down like water on a leaf.

Too afraid. Too unbrave.

Never, ever good enough. Tries so hard, it ain’t enough.

Never, ever good enough.

Never will. Never was.

Keep trying, keep running, keep singing, keep loving...

Keep being everything you think you can to earn somebody’s love.

It’ll never be enough.

It’s never enough.

Fear. That’s me, inside me. It lives and breathes.

Newness. Freshness. Clarity.

Find me. Give me. Love me. Save me.

Make me.

Show me the old and break me.

Show me the new and heal me.

Quickly, before the fear revives me.

chelsea.tea.

Here's my heart Lord...

Once upon a time...

I felt really, really hurt by people I cared about.

So much was going on in my life that I didn't want my heart anymore.

It hurt too much.

This is what I wrote at that time:

It’s come to a point where I’ve decided to just rip it out and hand it over to God. I just don’t want to be emotionally connected to anyone... Not until it is completely repaired, and I have come a better person and have come to more of a conclusion of who I am.

I'm not that person anymore... God changed me so much after that.

But... I still get hurt, and I will continue to get hurt. That's what happens when you love.

I think I had the right idea. Giving God my heart. I don't want it... I can't handle heartbreak and I don't really think God originally made our hearts for this. He deserves my heart.

I have a lot of issues to work through, everyday...

God's blessed me greatly, I have great people in my life that have walked through a lot of my issues with me and continue to. But they're not perfect, just like me, and I'm still let down and hurt by them at times. People hurt people.

I wish I could carry some of those people with me forever, and never lose them, but I can't and the only one who's going to carry and keep me... is God. So, here's a public declaration- I'm gonna try being dependent on Him, not people, not my best friends.

Besides... my heart is His.

Week of Prayer

I need to spend an "intense" week in prayer.

Basically, I just want to spend time writing to God. Love letters, prayers for family and friends, spend time in worship.

If you have prayer requests, please, please send them my way, I would love to pray for you.

God is always speaking to me... wether it is through friends or through music. I particularly love it when a random song comes into my head and that song... is exactly what I needed.

I may post my prayers from this week, not sure. We'll see what happens, but I will tell you the benefits of this week, because I know there will be. He is good.

Explore

I went to a synagogue last night for my world religions class, my professor wants us to visit two places outside of our own religion.

I really enjoy going to the synagogue. It was my second time (different places).

This time, it was more independently, and I didn’t rely on other people to ask questions. I feel like I was more assertive because I wanted to take it all in and I wanted to be prepared to ask questions.

After the service, a woman talked to me and my two friends, and answered any questions we had. It was interesting.

I feel like she gave responses to some of our questions that were on cue with how a Christian would respond as well. Sometimes I felt like she pitied us in our “misled” beliefs.

She really knew what she was talking about though. Made me realize how I need to get a better handle on what I believe. Of course, she was older and she had probably been answering questions like that for years... but that doesn’t justify knowing (or perhaps nto knowing) my own beliefs.

She encouraged us all to keep “exploring.” Which I thought was neat, she said she learned a lot about our country after she lived in Switzerland for 2 years. She made me realize that all of my life experiences, especially the ones where I’m stepping out trying new things, exploring new places is where I learn the most, where I change the most. Without all those experiences... Mississippi, The Wilds, Christian school, Bacon, Nicaragua, Musicon, Greenville, Honduras, Nyack... I just wouldn’t be where I am.

Chess

Problem:

I’m extremely selfish and self-centered.

Why Jesus cared to die for me, I don’t know.

Problem:

I’ve been thinking that this was all me. The decision of coming back to Greenville was all my doing.

Wrong. I’ve been asking myself the wrong question- Did I make the right decision? If I was giving all of the credit to God, I would have been asking this question- What purpose does God have for me back at Greenville? It’s not like I threw Him for a loop- “Surprise God!”

Acts 17:26

“From one man He made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and He determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live.”

All I’m trying to say I suppose is that, I need to stop thinking about my chess moves, and think of God’s chess moves. He’s way bigger than this, His glory will be revealed, and I will not stand in His way.