Grace, Security, Rest and Struggles

God's grace.... that is all I have in this life, and currently it is all I can rest in to give myself peace of mind. I've had a case of the crazies this week. Every little thing, ripping my mind apart.
I always stake my identity in the wrong things. Labels, music, friends, sickness even. Anything that I think gives me a clear idea of who and what I am and how to live.
And I've been challenged. Always, always challenged... the more I learn and the more I experience, the more I can relate to others. The more I see the pain other people are dealing with.
It breaks my heart to think about the things that some people go through. I am so thankful for the faith some of my friends have in Jesus, and the security they have in Him as well.
Yeah. They'll be the first to admit they are just as scared as I am. But they haven't given up.

I don't know where my journey is leading me... I don't know if or how my life will change drastically in the next year. I'm scared... I'm so afraid of the repercussions of my choices. But, nothing separates me from the love of my Abba. Nothing.

THAT is ALL I can rest in. THAT is my security.

Here ya go world. I struggle with my identity in God. I can't comprehend His love for me. I've always struggled with it, and I probably always will. But, I do want to be complete in Him.
I am struggling. I am not as strong as I pretend to be... please, pray for me if you will.

Purpose

Some things never change and some things, thank God, do.

As I have begun my senior year of college, and wondered where it went, I look back at all the changes. I look back through all the friends I have made, I look back at each year and know I was in a different place each time. I look back and I see the Constant.
These thoughts brought me to tears today during worship. So thankful for every individual that Abba has brought into my life. So thankful for the dear friends that have stuck with me since we began this journey.
So overwhelmed with Abba's love for me... to take the care into forming this world and giving me a place in it.
This summer God spoke to me a lot about community and gave me an idea of what that looks like. He's given me a somewhat clear picture of how I am suppose to live my life, according to His will. Of course, I'm not sure how it's going to look, exactly. But, I know it's something I can't do on my own, and I keep getting hung up on that part... I keep looking at it independently. I bring this up, because taking that risk is scary!! And as I told a friend- "I know, Jesus takes care of the birds. But... I'm not a bird!" And, he gently reminded me- "you're right, you're not a bird, you are more important to God than the birds. So, if God takes care of them, He's going to take care of you."

Honestly... God has given me no reason to doubt Him. But my head and heart knowledge are not on the same page. And as a human; I want control. But, as I have also recently read in Francis Chan's "Crazy Love" I need to get over myself; like I said earlier, God gave me a place in HIS world, I don't call the shots.

Ha... I started this post on a completely different topic.
I guess... senior year is for this; to figure out what's next.

God is not a Man

So, the other night in Vespers our speaker prayed, "Mother, God..." and... then, of course people started freaking out... well, from what I've seen via media outlets. Which is fine, I understand the tension of calling God a woman. I'm not calling God a woman. I'm also not going to call him a man. Yes, dominantly, the character traits we put on God are masculine. 

But, there are beautiful characteristics that come from our mothers. I want to think of God with those characteristics as well, not just strong and protective. Yes, those are wonderful characteristics of God. And I do not want to be without those, but... I want to think of God as nurturing and gentle as well. I want to think of God holding me closely and being kind, and attentive.
I just wish people would look at this other side of God. Because God is not a man. There is a song, by Michael Gungor entitled "God is Not a White Man"
These are some of his lyrics:
God is not a man
God is not a white man
God is not a man sitting on a cloud

God cannot be bought
God will not be boxed in
God will not be owned by religion


God is love. 

Really, meditate on those lyrics. I think we're all guilty of putting God in a box, and part of that box is giving him a gender. 

This is it

"If it's still in your mind, it is worth taking the risk."

I've had this plan, in my head since 2009. After college, I was going to do this.
After college... that's eight months or so away. EIGHT.
It felt like... I thought... college, doesn't last forever. The wonderful friends that turned into my family, some of them practically overnight... we're all gonna split ways... oh my gosh. hello college nostalgia.

College. What a crazy adventure this has been... I'm not at all the person I was coming into this place. No, I am, I am the same person, but Abba has done, mighty, mighty things in me. My views on life have changed.

I've also left some things on this journey, and have been returning to these things recently. That is where my heart has always been... I am so passionate about these things. And to not be involved where my passions lie, that would be for naught, I want to use my passions and I want to use my abilities to futher God's kingdom.
These things are instilled within me, and to deny them would be for shame.
After college. A huge step. A risk and a commitment that I want to make.
I need to do my best and I need to go where I feel Abba calling me.

How exciting is this life I have been given.

Humble Oneself

So... I just wrote this "Learning Statement" - what my Prof. calls them, about the Gospel of John... although I talked almost more about 1 John, but I brought it back to the gospel and I brought it to John 13 where Jesus washes his disciples feet.
See... feet are dirty and filthy, and Jesus humbled himself to wash that mess, and he told the disciples too, "follow my example." Because, there's this wonderfulness behind that dirty mess, there's potential in everyone to do good things.
So, basically I want to see that potential in others, and I think that is my way to humble myself.

Like I said in my last post, I struggled this summer when I got home. And, I don't give my parents enough credit. They are my biggest supporters, and they probably believe the most in me (I guess that's kinda what parents do though). I tell my mom that I have an idea, and she is more than willing to put some fire into my heart for it and give me the tools to achieve my passions. My dad... is trying. When I speak out about what's wrong, he wants to fix it... he wants to change it.

"Everybody needs compassion." right? Yeah, even the parents. They can't be perfect, just like their offspring can't either.

Summer vs Life

So... my summer wasn't over when I came home from Guatemala.

But, I let a lot of bitterness and resentment creep in my heart. I always imagine vines growing and then completely covering up a heart and choking it and squeezing it, taking out the life.

Because that's what those things do. I lost sight of everything I had learned because of one thing that didn't go the way I wanted it to.

I'm completely selfish... I still have so much to work on.

My prayer for this summer, as I posted on facebook was this :

for an open heart, a tender heart, a willing heart.
for new eyes, a fresh mind, and a pure soul.
for strength, to be vulnerable, to be humble, to be love.

But. Here's the thing. That should not be my prayer only for this past summer. It should be for my life. His mercies are new every morning. Why shouldn't the way I view the world be new too? Why did I find it so important to live this way this summer, in Guatemala, but am not finding it as important here?

Things to chew on my friends, things to chew on...

and trust me, I'm chewing.

Stuck

I wrote this a couple weeks ago, and didn't finish it. Finished it this afternoon. Just the last five lines though. Sometimes... I like to pretend I'm a writer.

Thinking. Believing. Hopeing. Praying.

Remembering. Wanting. Needing.

Becoming lost... in thought, in mind. Everything unwinds.

When it comes to your heart, people are worse than robbers in your house.

Taking chances. Trusting. Circumstances.

Breaking. Crying. Hurting. Lying.

All these things cave in, sink in, make your body shake.

There's never a break.

Once you take that break, it's over, it's complete.

There's nothing to return to.

Nothing stays the same.

You don't change now, you don't begin now. You NEVER WILL.

So, you sit there, you mope, you whine, you complain.

But you never GET UP, you never SHAPE UP, you never look outside of yourself to see the differences. You wait. For a silver platter and a silver spoon.

Shut up. Just shut up. Don't give up. Don't let those lies spill inside your head. You're better than that, you were made for more than that. There is nothing in this world that can stop you from accomplishing your dreams. There is no one in this world that can have power over your soul, your spirits.

You know better.

Don't let them defeat you. They will come at you.

With evils, far beyond your control.

Be everything that lives inside you.

Breathe the breath that God has given you.

Rise above and put the past behind you.

New things are ahead of you. New things to conquer and behold.

New things that God wants to unfold.

Your eyes won't deceive you. Your heart won't leave you.

Learn to fall in love. Become unstuck.

Learn to trust, again.