The Pre-Game

Before I head to CTI, I have things that need to get done.
One of these things is fundraising. Luckily, I did some of this at school by sending out letters.
Fundraising is an experience in itself, nothing I imagined it to be.
When I went to Honduras.... I needed to raise 4,000. My church paid for half of that. I didn't even raise 1,000 of that money. I'm not sure what that says about what I was doing, but that trip changed my life and set the rest of my journey as I know it, into motion. That trip is what inspired this blog. My life is not my own, it has been given to me by my Savior and on that trip is where I found His arms of grace opened up to me and to hold me.
This has been my funraising experience so far: Before I even officially accepted my position with CTI, I had a friend that told me she would be supporting me, which blew me away. I didn't expect my friends... who are just like me, broke college students to help me out.
How humbling this has been.
Giving money is not something I was taught. My dad is all about saving and making sure nobody is screwing him over... everyone is a theif in his eyes. My mom... she actually loves showering gifts on people. And, they always gave on Sunday. But, I was never instructed to give to the church and to tithe. But, this is changing. I'm prepared to use my savings for what I don't raise, will this make my life more difficult... yes, possibly, but I think it's worth it.
People have been so generous, and they don't think twice about it. One of my friends from my Honduras trip gave me just enough to make my goal for when I begin in August. CTI requires 20%. I never expected our phone call to go like that... in one moment. She told me that people aren't really giving to me, they're giving this money to God and honestly... this money is God's anyway. In my fundraising packet, CTI even says this too, the funds have already been raised (Joshua 1:1-9).

I have just raised 20% of my funds. This is a benchmark. Granted, I have 80% still to go. That's about 10,000, and let me tell you, this number scares me. But, God has used so many people through that 20% and I am learning to trust in Him. I am asking people to pray and these people are fervent prayers, and their faith in God and in me is so encouraging.
My next step(s) is to host a fundraiser, a tag sale, and a bake sale. I began asking businesses in town if they would support me, I received some quick "no's" but I also talked with a woman who was very enthusiastic and I was able to leave my support letters with several businesses. So, this is what I would ask you to be prayerful about, that these businesses would be open to what I'm about to do and would be willing to support me. I also could use prayers as I talk to them, I get nervous and talk too fast and babble like a brook.
Thank you and blessings to you,
cee.tea.

Let me try this again...

So, I stopped blogging.
I lost hope.
I gave up.
I'm not really sure what happened...
I had a conflict in my life, a decision, which is what brings me back here. I will be blogging again. I sort of have to, but it probably will be good for me. It will bring to light the greatness of Jesus and what He is constantly doing... working and moving; not only in my life, but the lives of those around me.

So, what happened?
Well.... a lot of things happened... and usually, I live my life as openly as possible, but today I can't bring myself to do that. The basics... I struggled, I persevered, I turned 22, I laughed, I cried, I was angry and felt rejected, I ignored God, I avoided thinking about life, I lay in bed for hours on end and finally, I graduated college...

So, this is what is happening.
I'm going into full-time ministry next year. Actually. This August. I'm going to be a vocalist for CTI music ministries (http://ctimusic.org/) (go support me..... I would really appreciate it!).  I'm going to be stretched and refined a thousand ways possible. I need so much prayer; for funding, for strength and peace of body, mind and soul.
So, this blog, here's your go-to to hear about it all.
Peace and Blessings,
cee.tea.

Fear

Fear.
It is stifling.
It grows in our souls, and it chokes the life out of us.
I often surrender to it's control.
Fear itself, frightens me.
Brings me to tears, frequently.
The thought of it alone...
My mind goes back to the past and past events.
Fear.
It can destroy someone.
Need to learn to overcome.
To not let your emotions run you thin.
To count on the One, who can overcome.

New Year, New Attitude

Today, I had the opportunity to talk to a homeless man.
I went to the grocery store for my mom, and was surprised to see a man holding a sign that said he was homeless and that he would work for food, at the corner of the light, specifically... in my town.
I brought the groceries home, and decided that I needed to go to Mcdonalds and bring him a burger.
I wasn't really sure what I was doing, but my heart was tugged at and for once in my life, I didn't ignore it. Me and Fred ended up talking about theology. Funny how that works out. He said he was a Jehovah Witness and he talked away about his beliefs. I didn't bring Jesus up. I asked him how and why he got to where he was in life and Fred just talked away.
I really didn't know what to expect and I don't really know how much I did. I think he was grateful to talk to someone, he was an old man and I know a burger isn't much...

I just think... I need to be more willing and able to step out and step up to do things like that. To try and have an impact... but really... God is doing the impacting.
This year... I want to wake up every morning with the wonder and excitement of what God is going to do, how and where the Holy Spirit is going to lead me and experience Jesus in others.

Prayer

Today I learned that one can pray in different forms.
I'm reading Christian Atheist by Craig Groeschel, which is basically about calling yourself a Christian but not living like one.
This past year, I have learned how important it is to walk your talk.
But, prayer.
It is not only done in speaking form, or putting down your head and thinking words to God. It can be done through dance and music and writing and painting, in the same way we worship, we can also pray.
As soon as I read that, I wanted to grab my guitar and start praying. Unfortunately, my guitar is waiting for my hands at school. Then, I realized I've prayed to God in that way numerous of times, without even realizing it. Many times when I do play my guitar and try to write songs, I just sit there and play some chords and hope for the best to come out of my mouth... and sometimes I sing a lot of damn and hell.
As I write this blog, I realized too that this is another form of prayer for me.

Prayer is communication with God.
But it is also coming to him, with honesty and where we bare our souls.
So... come to God in whatever form you can come before Him and bare your soul and be honest with Him.

So. Funny.

Jesus. You're such a funny... funny... man.
Always knowing how to get through to me.
I hate it.
I need it....

I've been in a very rough, dark spot the past few days... I'm not usually one to cry, but I've been crying constantly. It starts with self-pity.
It also begins with fear. Fear makes me cry the most.

It's clear to me what my struggles are... I've been in this same spot many times before. And I have to take an honest look at myself, and I'm lucky. I'm lucky to have people to encourage me. I'm lucky to have people that will be honest with me and I'm lucky to have people who will push me.

One of my friends likes to ask me about struggles that I seem to always come back to "Do you think you have learned anything from the last time, do you feel stronger, have you built upon it from last time?"
This time. Yes... I think I'm dealing with it in ways I haven't before. I'm also dealing with other things in a much more mature way than I have before.

I just can't get over this fact. That God made me, and thus He knows the best ways to get through to me. Wether it be lyrics playing in my head, friends who give me encouagement without knowledge of what's going on, friends who are intentional, or themes on repeat. He knows how to get my attention... and He wants it... but I'm too busy giving it away to my idols.
Abba, forgive me.

Julie

There's a young lady that was in my graduating class who passed away a couple days ago. I'm friends with her on facebook, but that's about as far as our relationship went. We had several friends in common... I saw her in school often, but I'm not sure we exchanged more than a hello.
Yet, for whatever reason... my thoughts keep coming back to her and the people she has left behind and the way she has left this world.
It could happen to any of us. So, why Julie?
People are writing on her wall now... with so much unrest. People are so confused. People were so touched by this young lady...
My heart is hurting so much for this community. For the unanswered questions and the unsaid goodbyes.
She was gone in an instant with no forewarning. I should probably stop thinking so much about this... it's not doing any good... I can't imagine what this is doing to my friends who were close to her.

Abba, we need so much peace.